Hilarious 1970s Jax News Story

The Florida Times-Union was publishing old newspapers from 1975 and 1976 around New Years as a 50-years-ago-today kind of thing. There may have been some context or analysis, but I probably missed all that as I paged through Jacksonville's past. One story stood out from the mostly mundane, and I figured I'd toss it out there so everyone could get a chuckle at what might well have inspired The Dukes of Hazzard TV show. You'll know why as I describe the news article.

A vehicle left a gas station in St. Augustine without paying for gas. I think it was about $15. I guess that might be possible, based on fuel costs and tank sizes, if the car was maybe a Ford Torino (like in Starsky and Hutch) with it's massive 26-gallon fuel tank. Anyhow, think of it as a total fill-up gas-and-dash.

The three young men in their Ford Torino probably felt like they'd committed the perfect crime as they headed up US 1 towards Jacksonville. I'd like to think they were headed up to Jax to see Lynyrd Skynyrd perform, but that 1976 performance came a few weeks later. So they were probably just going to hang out at the Jug Saloon with good ol Linda Lou. 

To their surprise, however, the gas station attendant didn't just call the local authorities and hope for the best. Nope. We'll call him Cooter. Cooter jumped in the wrecker and gave chase. Maybe Cooter told his new bride Beverly to call the authorities, because St. Augustine were also eventually in hot pursuit along Highway 1. Cooter may have used his CB to alert the authorities, and it seems he eventually dropped out of the chase. But Cooter wasn't alone, since two of the three St. Augustine Police vehicles sustained flat tires, forcing them to tap out as well. 

The three young men, we'll call them Bo, Luke, and Jeb, they kept on cruising up Hwy 1 towards the I-95, reaching speeds of 120 mph. The lone remaining St. Aug officer, Rosco perhaps, was on 'em like white on rice. We learn later that Roscoe had just gotten new tires the previous day, but it seems the other St. Augustine patrol cars were also in need of new rubber. Now, Bo and Luke might have thought that crossing county lines would mean Roscoe would turn back, but it appears that the opposite happened, since both Florida Highway Patrol and JSO joined in the pursuit. 

Somewhere in Jacksonville, Bo and Luke tried to exit the freeway, probably to avoid getting in line to pay the bridge till. The problem is that their Torino couldn't quite handle the exit, and they crashed before they could sneakily turn down a dirt road to watch the cops fly past. Without the toll roads, they probably would have made it to Georgia.

JSO grabbed Bo while FHP took Luke, but somehow Jeb got away (and he's still running today). Presumably, Roscoe was not on him like white on rice. No doubt, the two rascals were turned over to Roscoe to face the judge in St. Augustine, and no doubt they escaped later that day with the help of their cousin Daisy and Uncle Jesse.

The moral of the story for the rest of us? Toll roads slow you down. Getting out of one county won't really save you from arrest. Don't skimp on tires. Misdemeanor theft probably warrants a 120mph chase by three police forces. Watch out if Cooter gets overstimulated.

Men Are Different From Women - If You're a Man, Play Baseball

I just finished reading an article that serendipitously was in my news feed about how men and women are different at making and interacting with friends. Basically, a researcher in England found that old men who volunteered together barely spoke to each other but were able to have important relationships with other men. The author compared it to men hanging out at the pub and then returning home with no information about the lives of his friends for his wife to learn. Sometimes, guys just want to hang out with other guys. Maybe it's watching a game with others who know the rules (or won't talk about how cute the uniforms are). Maybe it's working on classic cars. Maybe it's planting flowers or painting walls at church. Or maybe, it's returning to your youth and playing some baseball.

It takes some effort for men to get away from the family and do whatever, so it's obviously easier to just head out to the patio, yard, or garage. But when you're in the garage, you're still within whineshot, even if you crank the Nirvana up. 

If you live in the Jacksonville area, are over 40, and want to get the heck out of the house somewhere other than to Fernandina Beach to go shopping for home decor, then consider playing baseball. Even if you weren't great at it back in the day. Most of those guys are 300 pounds and dealing with real health issues. If you at least played high school baseball and aren't totally falling apart, you probably can play in an over-40 baseball league.

If you are from the East Coast, you'll feel right at home because I think half of each team I've been on in Jacksonville included guys from New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and New York. In fact, I'd like to issue a challenge to Flogrown men to join as well. I just saw Fred Durst in a recent movie wearing his iconic red baseball cap, so there's a local who ought to play. 

It doesn't cost a whole lot to play. Like $300 should get you by, which is what that new grill or lawn mower would cost, and you can wait another year on those. Sure, there's a chance you can sell your insurance policies to some of the guys, but it's not really about business connections or intimate friendships. It's about doing something you enjoy alongside other guys who also enjoy it, without the awkwardness of being at a gentlemen's club or cock fight. As a writer, I can appreciate you wanting to join a poetry Meetup, but then your wife would want to join. Baseball is so skill-specific and boring that she won't want to try to play or watch, at least not too often. 

If you're interested in being able to say, "I'd love to go out to Panera and then the art store with you, Honey, but I have baseball for the next four hours," then joining a baseball league is probably for you. And it's not like we don't actually talk to each other. The point is you don't really have to. No one will judge you if you're kind of quiet, if you swear too much, or if you don't really want to talk about your feelings.