If You're Wearing the All Balls No Brains Shirt, You're Kind of Forced to be Like The Guy Who Would Wear That Shirt

While waiting for my own kids in the high school pick-up line, I've seen one student a couple of times. I notice the kid because he wears a shirt that reads, "All balls, no brains.” It's not as obviously ridiculous as the giant pickup with the obnoxious exhaust and "Don't tread on me" flag, but the young man is still making a claim he may not be able to back up when push comes to shove.

My dad used to wear a "Beach Bum" t-shirt. Once after a contentious baseball game, a kid from an opposing team said to my dad, "You've probably never been to the beach!" Touché. When several of my friends used to wear obligatory early-90s Big Johnson t-shirts, I probably told them, "You've never even seen a big Johnson." Basically, if you're trying to be awesome because of your ironic t-shirt, you've got to be ready to whip out your swimsuit. 

Just like the Big Johnson shirts, however, the All Balls shirts aren't meant to be literal. I'm sure a literal interpretation would be against dress code. It's also a silly visual because really old men with dimensia and sagging testicles represent a better literal interpretation of the moniker. But the meaning is the challenge of this message. This young man is saying he will do anything to demonstrate his coolness, and that's dangerous. Like, if you ask him to eat a stick of deodorant. Or bite the head off a small fish. Or jump down a flight of stairs. How can someone wearing such a bold message say that doing anything is just too stupid? 

I can only hope that his friends have the sense not to ask him to cook a NyQuil chicken or stuff marshmallows, nutmeg, or whey protein in his mouth. I hope they don't ask him to swim across local ponds or file his teeth to look like a vampire. The problem is that they are dumb teenagers (we've all been there), so if they can get someone to ride a bike blindfolded while wearing a tutu, they will.  Wouldn't you?

[UPDATE] 

I was watching an episode of MST3K from the early 90s when the host made fun of the No Fear t-shirts as a thing, and then I remembered this original version of the All Balls No Brains shirt. I guess No Fear is more unisex, at least. 

Coronavirus Family Activity: Themed Outings

When I saw the all-black Mercedes G Wagon, I thought to myself, "Now there's someone who likes black." I kind of get it with Dodge trucks, since you have to do something to try to make them more desirable, but I wasn't quite sure where Mercedes was going with a $100,000+ Jeep knockoff that also stole the idea of adding dirty-looking wheels to the mix. I digress, and I apologize to the black wheel owners, as you have legitimatized my all-black steel wheels from my 92 Chevy Cavalier, as if I was ahead of my time. This article is about a theme when you venture out during Covid-19, not about my thoughts on all-black wheels. However, your vehicle of choice probably plays a big role in your themed outing right now, as evidenced by this all-black beauty.

Male Fashion and Lifetstyle: Cute Kids at the Gun Show

I've always heard that women dig a man with kids. Since I was happily married when I had kids, I guess I wouldn't know. If you happen to be an uncle in search of a special lady, however, I'd recommend babysitting in order to show off the kids at a gun show.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle: $100 Shoes

If you've read some of my other blogs about male fashion and lifestyle, you're not impressed right now. $100 shoes! That's way too expensive, and I agree. But I'm not talking ONE pair of shoes, my friends. That's FOUR pairs of shoes. $25 each, on average.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle: Matching Hats

If you want to be really cool as a group, get you some matching hats. Most of us don't think about it ahead of time, and we often make the mistake of matching t-shirts or NASCAR jackets, but matching hats are really the way to go for guys. Let's take a look at how to decide on those hats so that you can look your best.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle: Sunny Boy Hair

I originally got the "Sunny Boy" wig when I was an extra in an independent film that was never finished. I had to wear a Polo shirt, a sweater over my shoulders, and the Sunny Boy blonde wig. I was the bad guy, and my Mercedes 300SD also fit the bill. We only finished one day of filming, at Lake Park Golf Course in Milwaukee. I was probably revealing my devious plans to co-conspirators while golfing. I don't recall. However, Sunny Boy stayed with me, and I put it to some use over the years.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle: The $12 Perfect Suit

I am not a suit kind of guy, but I learned after one of my only failed interviews that suits are expected. (I was told later that I won the job on three of five categories, but wearing a casual outfit lost the position. That was two decades ago.) It might seem ironic that a teacher, who will not wear a suit again for the next 20 or 30 years, needs to don the traditional male formal attire just to get that job. But I'm OK with irony, since I teach English. Besides, a perfect suit doesn't have to be expensive. This "perfect" Dillard's suit cost me $12.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle - Gray Hair

I just turned in a resume for consideration, and while I was researching the company, I saw a photo of the employees. They looked young. Honestly, that doesn't bother me all that much. After all, I was high school teacher, so everyone looked young at that job. My friend told me that he likes his gray hair because others seem to respect him more at work. Of course, he's a social worker at a hospital, so maybe the gray hair keeps the young doctors from messing with him. Since I'm not sure I want to look quite as old as I am if I actually get an interview somewhere, I guess I have to address the gray hair in this week's male fashion and lifestyle blog entry.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle Blogging

I wanted to see what other Jacksonville bloggers write about. It's mostly running, momming, and fashion/lifestyle. Real estate, art, and food are in there, too, but those end up being fashion and lifestyle, as well. Spellcheck doesn't think momming is a word, but mommying is really more of a helicopter mom thing. Another time we'll get into it. Also, almost all local bloggers are women. Men are too busy driving their big pickup trucks around town. I started to thinking that maybe what we need is a guy fashion and lifestyle blog. Or one about pickups. But I don't own a pickup. So fashion it is.