Duval Student Registration Still Sucks

Another year, another child having to enroll in DCPS from a private school. The website and process is so bad that it's laughable. So bad that I blocked it from my mind or it got worse from last year. Maybe some of both. But it should have been easier with one kid already in the system. It's just not. Dumb, stupid, bad. And I'm not even close to done as I write this.

If you don't have a kid already enrolled, then you can have the fun of creating your own focus account as you also try to navigate the student sign-up. I, however, had my own focus account with all the clunky information it provides, including a link to enrolling a new student, for some reason found under a documents tab.

I went through the 20+ web page document to sign my second child up. You're told at some point which documents to upload but not on the upload page, so I think I missed a couple. And I can't go back now, since I hit submit. I also don't have the auto-generated student ID because I hit submit and then navigated to my parent portal to link the account. But since I didn't copy the ID, it disappeared somewhere in the outer limits of the internet because the email confirmation did not include the ID. 

The form itself caused me to make this mistake because I had to physically choose "English" as my language three times rather than it be default. I even had to choose NA twice instead of the default N/A, which always resulted in an error. I was also told to toggle on the mailing address if it was the same as my home address, but toggling it on left it open to fill out the form. Poor instructions and a form designed by complete amateurs. And I forgot to upload a birth certificate, so I tried to add that later and was told I could not log back in and that i already had a student number associated with my kid. But I never got the number because that page disappeared. And the link to a page that might help in the email confirmation I received was a broken link. Obviously it was. So I think I'm stuck having to call an office that probably has to hand-write all the info I've already filled in the forms.

Normally, I can get something done when I finally get through to a human at DCPS, which is often better in person. But it's overall a terrible experience that probably cost us taxpayers an obscene amount of money.

[Update]

I received word that I'd have to finish the registration by going in to my child's school, which, of course, is wrong. If you're transferring in and listed as an applicant (maybe moreso if trying for an accelerated program), you actually have to link the parent to student accounts at the school choice office. And why? Are there dozens of St. John's County parents trying to fake their way into DCPS? 

Not surprisingly, the school choice office was closed over the Christmas break, just before the time to register for the new year. Or just when parents of transfer students would also have off. I mean, really, how much do people in this office really do most of the year? And then when they are actually needed, they're on vacation. When I showed after the holiday, I was told (for no reason other than to be bitchy) that I hadn't put the student's current grade on the form, which was technically impossible based on the aforementioned form. I also needed my password, which I didn't have readily available, and which was not offered by the employee, in order to use their coviddy community computer kiosk to finish the link between parent and student. Obviously, it took logging in and about eight clicks in order to get to the right place. The staff also forgot to return my license to me, which was just the icing to the cake that Duval schools let's us eat.

Chicago Bears Bar Jacksonville

I've met several Bears fans since I've moved to Jacksonville, and I've asked them if they have a bar to call home on game day. I know there were two Packers bars in Jax, now down to one, but fans of Smoking Jay Cutler need a local establishment in which to drown their sorrows. Even though I'm a Packers fan, I'm here to help.

Here's what you do. Drive your best BMW. The one that still has the Illinois vanity plate that reflects how refined you are. Head on over to Gates Gas Station on Moncrief Road. Be sure to drive like a FISH up Moncrief and never mind the railroad tracks. When you get to Gates Gas Station, pull in to ask for directions to the special Bears bar. Say, "So hey there do yous guys knows where da Bears bar is at?" Keep your doors unlocked because someone might want to get in and help guide you.

If that's a little too complicated for you, I've heard really good things about the Flight 747 Liquor Store & Lounge Bar up by the airport. Lots of jetsetters along with a tangy local flavor. Just like Chicago. Or maybe Rockford. And there's an adjacent motel, just in case you want to stick around and start over at 11am after yet another painful loss and too many Lovies Lemonades.

And remember that when your next ex-QB doesn't work out, Tim Tebow lives in Jacksonville. Just saying.

Logical Interstate Naming Alternative

I've lived in three major cities, always near interstates and bypasses. Milwaukee's I-94, Kansas City's I-35, and Jacksonville's I-95. The 894, 235, and 295 circled these cities, making travel faster. However, the directional naming of these roads often left folks from out of town confused. Honestly, even people who live in the locales probably get confused. But there's a simple fix that can apply to all interstate bypasses that go around a city, and it makes so much sense that I'm sure it's been proposed before. I have to wonder why this naming has never been adopted. 

My initial idea was to identify clockwise or counterclockwise. I think it would work after some time of people imagining themselves looking down on a map from above. For example, the 295 counterclockwise from the airport in Jacksonville would indicate you are going west and then south. These could also be called inside and outside, since clockwise would always be on the inside while counterclockwise would always be on the outside. 50 years ago or even 20 years ago, this naming scheme would have saved countless headaches and probably some lives. But most of us no longer think of a city from a north-up map or clocks with dials, and the time that people might need in order to imagine where they are in relation to being clockwise might prove excessive.

The key is identifying initial actual direction AND future directions. By adding three directions to the name of the bypass at any given point,  drivers will be able to know precisely where they are AND where they are headed (without thinking too hard).  The same 295 westbound (counterclockwise) near Jacksonville's airport as above would be called 295 wse.  In fact, the current naming calls one direction northbound and the other southbound near the airport (north side of town) and near Orange Park (south end of Jax). But both roads really go south from the airport and north from Orange Park. Circular roads need different naming than straight roads. So from Orange Park, you'd take 295 enw towards the Beaches or wne towards Baldwin. Along the 10 on the west side, you might take 295 nes towards the airport and 295 sen towards Orange Park. But on Atlantic Avenue further east, you'd take 295 nws towards the airport and 295 swn towards Orange Park. If you know generally where you are in relation to the center of the circle, this naming scheme is perfect. You'd still need to see signs for Daytona Beach or Savannah in order to understand which road you'd need to continue on the 95, but for people trying to use the bypass for local navigation the multi-directional system is best. 

In a perfect world with extra-large signs, I suppose you could combine both of my ideas, so the 295 crossing the Dames Point towards the airport in Jacksonville would be 295 nws out. Taking it even further, you could add 95 intersection with a bold or capitalized letter, so 295 nWs indicates the 95 intersects with the 295 as it heads west. If you were getting on the same road at Main Street, it would be 295 WsE, but getting on at Duval Rd (on the other side of the 95 interchange) would be 295 wsE because the 295 does not intersect with the 95 in this direction until Mandarin. I know, at some point maybe it's TMI, but the directional attributes could really be bolted on to existing signs, at least at decision-making points near ramps.

Even accidents should be reported more logically with my system. Instead of saying "accident w295 nb near Orange Park," you'd say "accident in295 wnE near Orange Park." That's the inside, clockwise road that heads west and then north but does not intersect the 95 until it heads back east. Knowing this information, a traveler could decide to take 95 north through downtown or go enW on the outside 295 to avoid the accident.

I'm sure that an idea like mine will probably never be implemented, especially with the prevalence of navigation devices, but I consider it a better system than currently exists, so it's just unfortunate I published the idea a few decades too late. Perhaps it can be used in naming the air roads for the flying cars we're all waiting to purchase.

Jacksonville Vehicle Pet Peeves: Overtint

I understand the need to be ultra cool, as well as the desire to protect the interior and exterior of your vehicle. However, there is a reason for the laws we have (or I hope we have) in Florida that limit the amount and locations of tint on vehicles. There's also common sense and aesthetics. Overtinting or All-Blacking your entire vehicle is annoying and dangerous.

Windows

Too many tinted windows are dangerous to both other drivers and pedestrians. I'm pretty much okay with tinted backseat windows even if they still limit visibility, but front windows especially for the driver need to remain clear to the outside. The driver should be able to be seen by other drivers as well as pedestrians. Whether at a four way stop, a pedestrian crosswalk, or while merging in traffic, tinted windows limit this interaction with other drivers and pedestrians. On a single day walking down by the beaches, I had two situations where the driver could not tell me whether to go or not go while in a crosswalk because of tinted windows. I ended up crossing both times, but if either driver had been distracted, I would not have known until it was too late. Making a left turn across from a driver who has tinted windows makes that maneuver much more difficult as well. Even if a vehicle has all other windows tinted, a dark windshield this simply insane. Yet I've seen tint all around. In fact, in a 20-minute drive at rush hour, roughly half of the cars I counted had obscured views of the driver from the side windows, while around 5% of the vehicles obscured the driver at the front windshield, as well. I have good vision, so when I say obscured, I mean a person with good vision cannot make out any discernable features from any distance. Age, sex, race, etc. Sure, tinted windows can eliminate racial profiling along with any kind of profiling or identification of the drivers or passengers. Seat belts? Texting? Who knows?

Lights

Clear light housings are annoying because they get cloudy. And they look kind of stupid in the back of the car. And when you buy a slightly different colored bulb, everyone can see your mistake. At the other extreme, we have tinted light housings, or covers, or tint film cut to cover. Whatever you use to darken your lights, it's just plain stupid, or at least dangerous, because it takes lights that have been approved for on-road use and lowers their efficacy. You as the driver might see less with tinted headlights, but just as importantly, others will not be able to see you at night. And during the day, suddenly your turn signals (I realize they are totally optional in Jax) sometimes can't be seen at all. If you must, use a black Sharpie and add a black border, or maybe a little smokey tint around the outside of the functional part of the light. Or add a ridiculous black spoiler and call it a day.

License Plates

My wallet has a slot for my license that is made out of some kind of dark mesh. You can't really see the license through the mesh, unlike the clear plastic in some wallets. However, police officers, bouncers, and other gatekeepers have always asked me to take my license out of the wallet, whether it was in clear plastic or dark mesh. The goal is to be able to fully inspect the identification. Tinted license plate covers attempt to obscure a vehicle's single most important identifier. 

License plates tell other drivers and authorities where you are from and whether the vehicle is being operated legally, as tags indicate a registration and proof of insurance. Police officers and governments have the right to access even more information based on the plates. Since operating a motor vehicle is a privilege rather than a right, and showing proof of that privilege is mandatory, obscuring the proof is illegal. I am surprised that I see several illegally-darkened license plates every day, yet I got pulled over in Florida for not having a light bulb over my plate. I recently saw a tinted plate with two bright bulbs surrounding it, and I couldn't even make out which state the plate was from. My plates were clearly visible during the day and with a little police work (a flashlight) at night. My opinion is that people with tinted plates need to be pulled over and forced to hand the covers over to law enforcement.

Wheels and Trim

When folks go all-black, they can't forget to cheapify the wheels and trim. Delete the chrome accents for black plastic, and turn those painted aluminum wheels into GM-spec steel wheels sans wheel covers. I was at a dealership recently when a couple asked about getting the nice- looking showroom vehicle but only if it had black rims. It wasn't even a black car, so they just wanted their new red car to have wheels that look as if they haven't been cleaned in five years. That's their choice, I guess, but it was a $300 upcharge per wheel. In other words, the couple wanted to pay an extra $1,200 for trendy wheels that will probably decrease resale value of the car once the trend wears off. (Like all those poor saps installing ridiculous barn doors in their remodels.) Listen to me people, you might think you want a white Ford Explorer SUV with black wheels now, but after realizing you just bought a police cruiser, you'll probably regret it. Or strap on a luggage rack cross beam to really mess with people. 

I do have to admit that there's nothing illegal about black rims or trim.  It's annoying to me because I apparently don't understand the aesthetic beauty in the combination of black tires with black wheels. Maybe if tires came in a rainbow of colors...but I digress even further. 

In the end, as long as your tint and black accents aren't illegal, all I can do is scoff at your lack of refinement. And even if your tinted add-ons ARE illegal, I can't do much about that, either, except write an article on this website and hope you click on one of the ads for tinted whatever so I can make fifty cents.

Cecil Commerce Center Parkway: CCCP?

I know folks in Jacksonville like to shorten long names of roads and bridges. For example, the James Turner Butler highway is the JTB to locals. 

I wonder if locals over on the west side like to call the Cecil Commerce Center Parkway the CCCP. If so, I wonder if those commrades remember why it's probably not an appropriate acronym in America. Or maybe it's OK at this point?

Anyhow, for those of you who don't remember rotary-dial telephones and magnetic audio cassettes, the CCCP was what the Soviet Union called itself. Or at least what Russia called itself when included in the Soviet Union, which it called the USSR, or CCCP in Russian.

 I'm not sure all of the member states ever bought into either name. Like Poland. I'm sure most people there thought they were still Polish and lived in Poland, even if Russia told them they lived in the USSR and the USA said they lived in the Soviet Union. But I'm not positive because I did not live in post-WWII Poland. CCCP is the Russian acronym for Union of Socialist Soviet Republics. I suppose it could be Communists, Criminals, and Corrupt Politicians. 

Also, it's kind of ironic that the European Union is basically a Union of Republics that are essentially Socialist. So I guess both Stalin and JFK are rolling over in their graves.

Back to the Cecil Commerce Center Parkway. It's a stupidly long name, even before shortened to CCCP, which is too long as an acronym. Why not Cecil Parkway? Or just call it First Coast Expressway / FCE (its other name)? If you're going to name a road after someone with an obcenely long name, I understand the dilemma, but the powers that be shortened the main name to Cecil, as in Cecil Airport. Not Strategic Civilian Air Command at Cecil Field. I guess CCCP is better than Commander Henry Barton Cecil Commerce Center Parkway (CHBCCCP).

To me, it's just the toll road that saves two minutes while heading down Middleburg-way. And I guess toll roads are more of a representation of capitalism than communism, so whether it's CCCP, FCE, or whatever else, it's an American expressway and an excuse to get a license plate "protector."

Billboard Wars in Sports

In my hometown, just before Game 6 of the NBA Finals, a 'Go Suns" billboard appeared. That's like the Buffalo Bills having a "Go Bills" billboard in Jacksonville just before Trevor Lawrence's rookie season AFC Championship game. Or if the Packers got a "Go Pack Go" along the Arlington Expressway just before the Superbowl. 

Except the Suns billboard isn't just fantasy. A law firm from Phoenix really did buy a "Go Suns" billboard in my hometown of Milwaukee to have it revealed just before Game 6 of the NBA Finals.

Clever? Yes. Acceptable? Not really. I'm not surprised someone from Phoenix needed to erect a sign to pump life into Chris Paul's flaccid Finals performance. However, the company that sells advertising space in my city should have more class. Then again, it's an advertising firm. And the company that bought the billboard? A law firm. Classy and more classy.

Gruber Law in Milwaukee has a One Call; That's All catchphrase. The figurehead lawyer is also a Bucks sponsor. No matter how many calls it takes, Gruber or someone else in Milwaukee needs to find a way to pay Phoenix back for the lack of respect. If nothing else, a "Bucks in six" billboard along the I-10.

I know sometimes Miller sends Milwaukee water to hurricane victims, so maybe send a semi trailer filled with Milwaukee Bucks water bottles and an exterior caption that reads, "Stay Thirsty, Phoenix." For a title and because it's the freakin desert.

I hope someone with deep pockets in Milwaukee gets on the horn and secures some sweet revenge, but the best revenge would be a Game 6 win and a title for a starved city (with plenty of water). And beer.

If you want to learn more about Milwaukee and Wisconsin, check out Real Wisconsin News.

Duval Schools Referendum: What it Means to Me

As someone who has not used the local public schools (for my kids) in the past, I didn't have much of an opinion about them. Even when I worked as a teacher in one of the not-so-great schools, the school district didn't matter all that much to me. This is because my kids weren't part of the school district. However, after researching options for local high schools, we decided to transition from a private K-8 school and into a Duval high school, so now funding for the schools DOES matter. Luckily, it mattered enough to other voters in order to pass a referendum in the 2020 election that will allow Jacksonville's schools to (finally) make some upgrades. 

Unfortunately, many of the upgrades will come in the form of tightened security and completing 

deferred maintenance. When a school district is underfunded for many years, that's kind of what happens, I guess. The security upgrades are obviously in response to the national rash of school shootings, and I also understand that expenditure, but it's still unfortunate that a percentage of the money allocated will have to be used for this. 

I also wanted to reiterate my opinion that a well-funded public school system is NOT a problem for private schools, since I'm sure some of those parents voted against the tax increase. If public schools are bad enough (and Duval was close to this tipping point), then families will continue to move to St. Johns or Clay, and your wonderful private school will be located in a less-desirable neighborhood. Your home, too. This is not to say that new or updated facilities will fix all of the problems in Duval schools. As a teacher at two different local middle schools, I can tell you that the behavior of the kids (always dictated by their parents) plays a much bigger role in the success of the schools than new classrooms. 

I am glad to see that new classrooms are a part of the equation. The school my kids will be attending is building (or has built) 32 classrooms. I hope. It's actually a testament to how poor the communication is in the district that parents of a student who will be attending a school that has $24 million to spend is not aware of how that money has been spent. But no one could tell me when volleyball season starts, either, so it's not a huge surprise. Anyhow, I am hopeful that 30-something classrooms will be added so that my kids won't be relegated to temporary portable trailer rooms. Of course, it's hard to believe we ever let that happen in the first place, but I'm hoping the sales tax money helps fix past wrongs so that I can funally benefit from the property taxes I've been paying since we've moved to Jax.

[UPDATE]

As of late June, 2021, no meaningful construction had begun at our kids' new school. That's pretty bad, as it was considered spendable money as soon as the measure passed. And all the schools had plans. I'll assume the construction will be starting any day now, but it's a disappointment that portables are still being used for summer activities rather than being recycled as tiny homes for the homeless.

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Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
McNewsy - Creative Writing
Educabana - Educational Resources
Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
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Secret Beach is for Everyone, Just Not Now - Think Garbage Barge

I recently spoke with a former mayor of Atlantic Beach who told me that Secret Beach IS for me. And you. And all taxpayers. But there are some problems. 

Leaving Passengers On Board Plane With Possible 'Device' Makes Sense?

I read that a Delta airlines plane coming into Jacksonville was diverted to a separate runway and then thoroughly searched for a 'device' of some kind. With all the passengers on the plane! I know the public isn't made aware of all the details in a case like this, but doesn't it seem like the opposite of the right way to search the plane?

I guess I'll have to assume someone sent a threat that maybe included the instructions that a bomb would go off if anyone was allowed to leave the plane. That's the only scenario that makes sense. It's like, "Send 50million crypto coins to this account or else I blow the plane. And if anyone tries to leave, I blow the plane."

However, in every other scenario under the friendly skies, I would say you get all the people off the damn plane FIRST. If it's a ticking time bomb somewhere on board or a passenger with a remote or something volatile in the cargo area, it seems to make sense to get the people out of there.

Imagine being one of the passengers stuck on a plane that has arrived without a problem, then being told by the pilot that there's a maintenance issue (which could obviously be fixed once everyone is off the plane), then being told the pilot lied and it's something else. You assume someone on board is a killer or drug czar. Or that there's a bomb. The last place you want to be is in your seat for three hours, just waiting to see if one of your fellow travelers finally cracks and takes the little kid in row 19 as a hostage. Or the whole plane blows up.

I'm sure this was all done by the book, but it seems to me the book has to be wrong. Since I don't have a background in law enforcement, I might be missing something. I just remember the time I was on the London Underground and saw an unattended bag sitting in the middle of the walkway for several stops, my anxiety skyrocketing until I (a total introvert) started asking every single passenger if the bag was theirs. I was floored by how others didn't seem to think a bag like this was a concern. I was considering picking the luggage up and throwing it (or myself) out the door at the next stop when someone several seats away grabbed it, but that was the most stressful ten minutes of my life because I was sure that bag was going to explode. That's not a feeling I wish on anyone, but many of the passengers in Jacksonville must have felt similarly. 

Call me a romantic, but I'd rather see everyone safely off an airplane that might explode even if there's a small chance the perp gets away. It's like a police car chase through a densely-populated part of town: I want the bad guy to get caught, but I don't want others to die just so that can happen. 

Anyhow, nothing was found, no one was arrested, and nobody died, so I guess it was "mission accomplished" for federal law enforcement.

Home Insurance Prices in Florida: What's Next?

I wrote about trying to find new insurance last year when I was dropped. This year, my new insurance guy (who I'd recommend over my last deadbeat and all the vultures I met last year), sent some rate comparisons out, along with an article I'd read about the soaring costs of Florida homeowners insurance. It's pretty bleak, and if you've been dropped, there may not be many options. 

Shooting, Archery, and Deadly Projectiles in Jacksonville

I received an email from a reader who had a question about bow shooting in Jacksonville. The reader had probably done research online before contacting me, and my own research led to likely the same conclusions, but I figured it was worth finding out. Here's the email:

"I live in a residential neighborhood in Jacksonville city limits. I found
out my neighbor has been target practicing with a compound bow in his back yard. I found this out when his target was missed and his arrow came thru my fence into my back yard. Is it legal to shoot a compound bow in the city limits?"

Dear Jacksonville Landlords: Sell NOW!

Full disclosure: I would rather live next to homeowner's than rental tenants. That's partially why I am writing this article, but it's also sound financial advice for landlords right now. Sell, sell, sell!

Why? I know a lot of Jacksonville Landlords got in to the real estate market after the 2008 fire sale. That was smart. You've made some good money. Now is your time to cash in and wait for your next conquest. In doing so, you will allow homeowners to live in my neighborhood with me rather than renters, which will make me happier.

Florida Sports Seasons

As our kids prepare for high school, it's time to consider which sports they might play. Florida has different sports seasons than some other states, including Wisconsin (where I played), so it's important to know which sports are available here for the kids. The offi official Florida site makes you click twice for the following list:

FALL

Bowling

Cross Country

Football

Golf

Swimming & Diving

Volleyball (G)

WINTER

Basketball (B)

Basketball (G)

Competitive Cheerleading

Soccer

Weightlifting (G)

Wrestling

SPRING

Baseball

Flag Football

Lacrosse

Softball

Tennis

Track & Field

Volleyball (B)

Water Polo

Weightlifting (B)

In case you were wondering, I know that Wisconsin had soccer in the fall because I recall watching Cheri R. run around the soccer field after football practice...and my dad always said football teams lost some of our best d-backs to soccer. Some Wisconsin high school baseball teams played in summer rather than spring, mainly because our first games were generally snowed or rained-out. As far as I can tell, there is no official summer high school sport in Florida. Also, I don't really understand why there are two separate weightlifting seasons, unless it has to do with steroids/transgender issues. Flag football was not an option when I was in high school, and I'm not sure if it's a girls only thing or if guys have teams, too. I'm also not sure why the state seems to delineate with a B or G in basketball but not soccer, both in the winter. But mostly I wonder how anyone plays water polo, unless it's just in the shallow end like Marco Polo.

Jax Local Ad of the Week: Jamie's Tree Service

Remember to support local businesses, not that anyone hires a national chain to cut down trees, but you get the point.

This week's ad seems pretty normal at first: a manly man up in a tree, holding part of the tree he's been cutting down, giving a thumbs up. He seems to be safely harnessed to the tree and adorned with proper attire to be cutting trees. I'd seen the ad several times before I noticed that it's all wrong. 

Where Should Our Tunnels Go, Jacksonville? Part 1 - St. Johns Town Center

I was reading that parts of South Florida are getting excited about Elon Musk's Boring Company and its promises of being able to build cheap tunnels. While I'm not sure I totally buy into the dream, I also wasn't sure about electric cars or sending millionaires to tour outer space, so perhaps Musk will come through and build tunnels on the cheap. Or else he'll promise that and then jack up the prices like the Tesla Roof fiasco. But let's just assume the Boring Company can build cheap tunnels. Where should ours be in Jacksonville?

St. Johns Town Center

As the recipient of New Jax Witty's Worst Design Award, the St. Johns Town Center could use some help, maybe using tunnels. St. Johns Bluff stupidly ends into Town Center Parkway, which stupidly ends into Gate Parkway, which stupidly meanders all around the Southside. In planning classes I took, the technical term is "clusterf***." And tunnels probably won't fix it because it was just so poorly designed. But why not try, right? 

Here's one idea: tunnel St. Johns Bluff into the Dick's Sporting Goods parking lot where it can meet up with Big Island Drive (where it stupidly meanders N/S after starting E/W). Now you have 25% of the traffic diverting right into the heart of the Town Center. Then, tunnel under the JTB and come up where the FBI building is at (big surprise) Gate Parkway. Instead of everyone playing around on Town Center Parkway and Gate Parkway, they just drive underground to get to Nordstrom and Dillard's and whatnot. That's the yellow tunnel in the image above.

If you really want the whole thing to make sense, you then build a road (call it St. Johns Bluff, perhaps) straight down from the tunnel along the high power lines until it hits Baymeadows. Wait, hit reverse for a second. Am I suggesting a North/South road should travel from the St. Johns River all the way down to Baymeadows (maybe even the 295) uninterrupted? Sacrilege! It should dead end or curve into oblivion, based on general rules for Jax right now. But really, building straight roads that go through to other straight roads actually works sometimes. Or all of the time. A double-tunnel could do what planners of the Town Center decided not to do (make sense). 

The next phase of tunneling, since the first one worked so well, would be dedicated exit (from the Town Center) tunnels, maybe along that same area near the Uptown Funk Apartments (which probably would get torn down for the greater good). Direct exits to the 295/9B and the JTB, tunneled under the interchange. So instead of being stuck in traffic for 30 minutes to get to the on ramp after stuffing yourself at Maggiano's, you just hop on over to the JTB East tunnel and head to your beachfront home in Ponte Vedra. Those are the pink and orange tunnels.

Another option is to tunnel from the St. Johns Town Center over to the new neighborhood that is stupidly planned to dead end Kernan (south of the JTB) rather than have it go through to (you guessed it) Gate Parkway where it becomes Baymeadows. I'm not lying, Gate Parkway goes East-Westish until it crosses the 295 and then hits Baymeadows which has turned from a solid East-West road into a solid North-South road for no other reason than to make me angry. Anyhow, if Kernan is not linked to Gatemeadows, someone seriously needs to go to jail. And when I say linked, I mean Kernan continues north-south along the edge of all civilization (yes, all the way to Hwy 1) and Gate comes east to meet it, not that Kernan just meanders over to Gate. Does anyone out there understand the purpose of roads? 

Sorry about the rant. We're talking tunnels here. Back to tunnels to fix bad road decisions. Maybe a tunnel from Town Center Parkway where it ends into Gate Parkway over to Southside Boulevard.  That's the blue tunnel in the photo. 

Just some ideas, folks, but not bad ideas if tunneling does end up being cheaper than building new roads. I'd prefer tunnels with conveyor belts and built-in carwashes. That way, no one breaks down and gets stuck, and your car gets washed. But I bet Elon Musk hasn't even thought of the tunnel carwash yet. 

As an added bonus, let's look at the way the Town Center should have been designed when it comes to (major) roads. The image includes several new main roads that connect to one another, and then there would also be other roads that connect to those roads, kind of like an old downtown, which I'm pretty sure was the idea behind a town center, right? Go ahead and call all four of the East-West roads Gate Parkway if you want. They all would have connected Kernan to St. Johns Bluff to Southside, just like Beach does and Baymeadows should. I know someone out there made this exact design when the Town Center was being considered, but curves and dead-ends somehow won the day.

Search New Jax Witty

Related Stories

Thanks for reading. See more of my content:

Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
McNewsy - Creative Writing
Educabana - Educational Resources
Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

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Should I Drive for Lyft in Jacksonville? Uber?

I know you're not looking for a job until all your unemployment runs out, but just in case you want a gig once that happens, give Lyft a month. $1500 is a good guarantee from Lyft because many of the rides will be crappy $3.19 rides from McDonald's to a seedy apartment complex. So if you focus on crappy, short rides, you'll make maybe $500 or $750 for your first 100 rides. Signing up with the link gives you maybe double your normal pay for your first month, as long as most rides are short.

I Earned Wisconsin's Version of Bright Futures: Here's My View of Florida's System and The Fight to Keep it Bright

A quarter-century ago, I was ranked 2nd in my class and 95th percentile in the ACT, so I earned Wisconsin's version of Florida's Bright Futures award. Since Florida is considering changing how Bright Futures is distributed, I thought I'd weigh in based on my own experiences.

Using Walgreens For Covid Vaccine Semi-Fail

I was recently deemed eligible For a Covid-19 vaccine. Gateway Mall was a good site when my wife went, but I decided I'd save some time driving and choose a local Walgreens. Kind of a mistake, though I am vaccinated.

JAXEX Craig: Loud Sunday in East Arlington Probably New Norm

I know some folks from Holly Oaks contacted me about the noise from JAXEX Craig Airport a while back they had video of planes continuously circling, reminiscent of something I'd see months later over my own neighborhood. Maybe complaints from Holly Oaks moved some of the routes. Maybe airport traffic means everyone in East Arlington must suffer. 

Jax Local Ad of the Week: Those Krazy Kids

First off, support local businesses, whether they use kids, animals, or inanimate objects in advertising. 

Let's take a look at some of the local ads that use kids, who obviously say the darndest things. We'll look at five local Jacksonville ads that use kids as part of their pitches in order to see if it's effective as it is cute. 

The first ad uses a slightly older kid than the rest, and we'll assume it's a daughter (heir) to the Air to Air company. She suggests, "Let's give away a $350 WIFI Thermostat with every Carrier 15 Seer Replacement Heat Pump." Even if this kid was raised in a household of HVAC folk, it's very unlikely she'd make this statement. Most kids would be like, "Buy a new Carrier system from my dad so he can get me a PS5." Maybe, if it's a really altruistic kid, she'd say, "Buy a new Carrier so that our company can donate food to homeless people or something." The latest ad for Air to Air features a teenage girl (not sure if it's the same girl), and she also suggests the same giveaway. Whereas I can almost buy that a little kid wants to give stuff away to customers, I'd think a teenager would be like, "Just buy a Carrier from my dad already so I can get a Jeep Wrangler for my Sweet Sixteen. Or don't. Whatever."

The next ad for Southern Home Additions features Erich, who says, "Don't wait til I take over...CALL NOW!" He's dressed in a tuxedo and seemingly dancing, perhaps at a family wedding. While he looks like he might be saying, "A cha cha, I love Kool Aid!" it's entirely possible that he was just told at the wedding that he would one day take over the family construction business, perhaps because his aunt just married some guy from a rival construction company. Still, I can't imagine he'd have the foresight to suggest people should invest in home additions now rather than in twenty years when he's the boss. He'd probably really say something like, "I love trucks and mac n cheese and puppies!" when asked what he wants to tell potential customers. And, honestly, who doesn't love those things?

The next ad from Elite AC features another cute kid who is looking shyly away from the camera and saying, "Kids like Clean Air, Trust us!" This is an interesting statement, coming from a kid. First off, kids are very self-centered, and it's unlikely this child would say that all kids like clean air if he's really talking about himself. Also, most kids don't use the royal we in a sentence or consider themselves to be part of the company. So a kid, when prodded to do so, MIGHT say, "I like clean air; trust me!" You notice how I also don't capitalize random words and use a semi-colon properly? If this wasn't a speech bubble that's quite obviously coming from a kid, I'd say it was the disembodied voice of the owner of Elite AC saying it, with "us" representing the employees of the company. If you really want to go out there, you could say that the eyes rolled to the side are more creepy and the possessed child is speaking as Legion, but most people wouldn't trust a child who's in need of an exorcism. 

Precision Carpet features a little boy and a pit bull, two of the most destructive entities known to suburbia. The boy has a smudge of dirt on his face and maybe in his hair while wearing overalls (reminiscent of Dennis the Menace). He's not really saying anything or even doing anything, but I suppose he will make a mess, given the chance. However, the irony in this photo is that neither the boy nor the dog are on carpet. The vans are. I have not yet seen a carpeted garage or driveway in Jacksonville, but I guess Precision Carpet will clean em if you got em. 

Side note: I did see a carpeted driveway while walking through Winnipeg (of all places), and I have seen some ratty carpet in enclosed patios here in Jacksonville, though I'm not really sure carpet cleaners can handle engine oil or grease from a grill. 

Credible AC uses a baby with his/her family to sell UV light filtering and duct cleaning. While neither will actually protect anyone from Covid, my wife definitely made me get the ducts cleaned in our house when our first baby was born, so I get it: the billion-year-old dust just sitting in your ducts is better off aging in a vacuum or a landfill in Georgia. Guys, just humor your wives and get the ducts cleaned the one time you have a firstborn. 

There is one other detail that might need some explaining: the extremely appealing model-parents both sport thick and dark hair, while the cute baby seems to be totally blonde or completely bald. I'm sure the kid will look like dad eventually, but that's one father who might be doing the math of his deployment and when his wife scheduled the construction work, carpet cleaning, and AC installation.  I'm kidding. The real question is why the dad's dressed like a lumberjack when the family lives in Florida and has a working HVAC system. 

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Thanks for reading. See more of my content:

Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
McNewsy - Creative Writing
Educabana - Educational Resources
Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

Contact Me