New Jax Witty

Tuesday, May 11

Shooting, Archery, and Deadly Projectiles in Jacksonville

I received an email from a reader who had a question about bow shooting in Jacksonville. The reader had probably done research online before contacting me, and my own research led to likely the same conclusions, but I figured it was worth finding out. Here's the email:

"I live in a residential neighborhood in Jacksonville city limits. I found
out my neighbor has been target practicing with a compound bow in his back yard. I found this out when his target was missed and his arrow came thru my fence into my back yard. Is it legal to shoot a compound bow in the city limits?"

Dear Jacksonville Landlords: Sell NOW!

Full disclosure: I would rather live next to homeowner's than rental tenants. That's partially why I am writing this article, but it's also sound financial advice for landlords right now. Sell, sell, sell!

Why? I know a lot of Jacksonville Landlords got in to the real estate market after the 2008 fire sale. That was smart. You've made some good money. Now is your time to cash in and wait for your next conquest. In doing so, you will allow homeowners to live in my neighborhood with me rather than renters, which will make me happier.

Florida Sports Seasons

As our kids prepare for high school, it's time to consider which sports they might play. Florida has different sports seasons than some other states, including Wisconsin (where I played), so it's important to know which sports are available here for the kids. The offi official Florida site makes you click twice for the following list:

FALL

Bowling

Cross Country

Football

Golf

Swimming & Diving

Volleyball (G)

WINTER

Basketball (B)

Basketball (G)

Competitive Cheerleading

Soccer

Weightlifting (G)

Wrestling

SPRING

Baseball

Flag Football

Lacrosse

Softball

Tennis

Track & Field

Volleyball (B)

Water Polo

Weightlifting (B)

In case you were wondering, I know that Wisconsin had soccer in the fall because I recall watching Cheri R. run around the soccer field after football practice...and my dad always said football teams lost some of our best d-backs to soccer. Some Wisconsin high school baseball teams played in summer rather than spring, mainly because our first games were generally snowed or rained-out. As far as I can tell, there is no official summer high school sport in Florida. Also, I don't really understand why there are two separate weightlifting seasons, unless it has to do with steroids/transgender issues. Flag football was not an option when I was in high school, and I'm not sure if it's a girls only thing or if guys have teams, too. I'm also not sure why the state seems to delineate with a B or G in basketball but not soccer, both in the winter. But mostly I wonder how anyone plays water polo, unless it's just in the shallow end like Marco Polo.

Monday, April 26

Jax Local Ad of the Week: Jamie's Tree Service

Remember to support local businesses, not that anyone hires a national chain to cut down trees, but you get the point.

This week's ad seems pretty normal at first: a manly man up in a tree, holding part of the tree he's been cutting down, giving a thumbs up. He seems to be safely harnessed to the tree and adorned with proper attire to be cutting trees. I'd seen the ad several times before I noticed that it's all wrong.

Where Should Our Tunnels Go, Jacksonville? Part 1 - St. Johns Town Center

I was reading that parts of South Florida are getting excited about Elon Musk's Boring Company and its promises of being able to build cheap tunnels. While I'm not sure I totally buy into the dream, I also wasn't sure about electric cars or sending millionaires to tour outer space, so perhaps Musk will come through and build tunnels on the cheap. Or else he'll promise that and then jack up the prices like the Tesla Roof fiasco. But let's just assume the Boring Company can build cheap tunnels. Where should ours be in Jacksonville?

St. Johns Town Center

As the recipient of New Jax Witty's Worst Design Award, the St. Johns Town Center could use some help, maybe using tunnels. St. Johns Bluff stupidly ends into Town Center Parkway, which stupidly ends into Gate Parkway, which stupidly meanders all around the Southside. In planning classes I took, the technical term is "clusterf***." And tunnels probably won't fix it because it was just so poorly designed. But why not try, right?

Here's one idea: tunnel St. Johns Bluff into the Dick's Sporting Goods parking lot where it can meet up with Big Island Drive (where it stupidly meanders N/S after starting E/W). Now you have 25% of the traffic diverting right into the heart of the Town Center. Then, tunnel under the JTB and come up where the FBI building is at (big surprise) Gate Parkway. Instead of everyone playing around on Town Center Parkway and Gate Parkway, they just drive underground to get to Nordstrom and Dillard's and whatnot. That's the yellow tunnel in the image above.

If you really want the whole thing to make sense, you then build a road (call it St. Johns Bluff, perhaps) straight down from the tunnel along the high power lines until it hits Baymeadows. Wait, hit reverse for a second. Am I suggesting a North/South road should travel from the St. Johns River all the way down to Baymeadows (maybe even the 295) uninterrupted? Sacrilege! It should dead end or curve into oblivion, based on general rules for Jax right now. But really, building straight roads that go through to other straight roads actually works sometimes. Or all of the time. A double-tunnel could do what planners of the Town Center decided not to do (make sense).

The next phase of tunneling, since the first one worked so well, would be dedicated exit (from the Town Center) tunnels, maybe along that same area near the Uptown Funk Apartments (which probably would get torn down for the greater good). Direct exits to the 295/9B and the JTB, tunneled under the interchange. So instead of being stuck in traffic for 30 minutes to get to the on ramp after stuffing yourself at Maggiano's, you just hop on over to the JTB East tunnel and head to your beachfront home in Ponte Vedra. Those are the pink and orange tunnels.

Another option is to tunnel from the St. Johns Town Center over to the new neighborhood that is stupidly planned to dead end Kernan (south of the JTB) rather than have it go through to (you guessed it) Gate Parkway where it becomes Baymeadows. I'm not lying, Gate Parkway goes East-Westish until it crosses the 295 and then hits Baymeadows which has turned from a solid East-West road into a solid North-South road for no other reason than to make me angry. Anyhow, if Kernan is not linked to Gatemeadows, someone seriously needs to go to jail. And when I say linked, I mean Kernan continues north-south along the edge of all civilization (yes, all the way to Hwy 1) and Gate comes east to meet it, not that Kernan just meanders over to Gate. Does anyone out there understand the purpose of roads?

Sorry about the rant. We're talking tunnels here. Back to tunnels to fix bad road decisions. Maybe a tunnel from Town Center Parkway where it ends into Gate Parkway over to Southside Boulevard. That's the blue tunnel in the photo.

Just some ideas, folks, but not bad ideas if tunneling does end up being cheaper than building new roads. I'd prefer tunnels with conveyor belts and built-in carwashes. That way, no one breaks down and gets stuck, and your car gets washed. But I bet Elon Musk hasn't even thought of the tunnel carwash yet.

As an added bonus, let's look at the way the Town Center should have been designed when it comes to (major) roads. The image includes several new main roads that connect to one another, and then there would also be other roads that connect to those roads, kind of like an old downtown, which I'm pretty sure was the idea behind a town center, right? Go ahead and call all four of the East-West roads Gate Parkway if you want. They all would have connected Kernan to St. Johns Bluff to Southside, just like Beach does and Baymeadows should. I know someone out there made this exact design when the Town Center was being considered, but curves and dead-ends somehow won the day.

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Friday, April 16

Should I Drive for Lyft in Jacksonville? Uber?

I know you're not looking for a job until all your unemployment runs out, but just in case you want a gig once that happens, give Lyft a month. $1500 is a good guarantee from Lyft because many of the rides will be crappy $3.19 rides from McDonald's to a seedy apartment complex. So if you focus on crappy, short rides, you'll make maybe $500 or $750 for your first 100 rides. Signing up with the link gives you maybe double your normal pay for your first month, as long as most rides are short.

I Earned Wisconsin's Version of Bright Futures: Here's My View of Florida's System and The Fight to Keep it Bright

A quarter-century ago, I was ranked 2nd in my class and 95th percentile in the ACT, so I earned Wisconsin's version of Florida's Bright Futures award. Since Florida is considering changing how Bright Futures is distributed, I thought I'd weigh in based on my own experiences.

Using Walgreens For Covid Vaccine Semi-Fail

I was recently deemed eligible For a Covid-19 vaccine. Gateway Mall was a good site when my wife went, but I decided I'd save some time driving and choose a local Walgreens. Kind of a mistake, though I am vaccinated.

JAXEX Craig: Loud Sunday in East Arlington Probably New Norm

I know some folks from Holly Oaks contacted me about the noise from JAXEX Craig Airport a while back they had video of planes continuously circling, reminiscent of something I'd see months later over my own neighborhood. Maybe complaints from Holly Oaks moved some of the routes. Maybe airport traffic means everyone in East Arlington must suffer.

First off, support local businesses, whether they use kids, animals, or inanimate objects in advertising.

Let's take a look at some of the local ads that use kids, who obviously say the darndest things. We'll look at five local Jacksonville ads that use kids as part of their pitches in order to see if it's effective as it is cute.

The first ad uses a slightly older kid than the rest, and we'll assume it's a daughter (heir) to the Air to Air company. She suggests, "Let's give away a $350 WIFI Thermostat with every Carrier 15 Seer Replacement Heat Pump." Even if this kid was raised in a household of HVAC folk, it's very unlikely she'd make this statement. Most kids would be like, "Buy a new Carrier system from my dad so he can get me a PS5." Maybe, if it's a really altruistic kid, she'd say, "Buy a new Carrier so that our company can donate food to homeless people or something." The latest ad for Air to Air features a teenage girl (not sure if it's the same girl), and she also suggests the same giveaway. Whereas I can almost buy that a little kid wants to give stuff away to customers, I'd think a teenager would be like, "Just buy a Carrier from my dad already so I can get a Jeep Wrangler for my Sweet Sixteen. Or don't. Whatever."

The next ad for Southern Home Additions features Erich, who says, "Don't wait til I take over...CALL NOW!" He's dressed in a tuxedo and seemingly dancing, perhaps at a family wedding. While he looks like he might be saying, "A cha cha, I love Kool Aid!" it's entirely possible that he was just told at the wedding that he would one day take over the family construction business, perhaps because his aunt just married some guy from a rival construction company. Still, I can't imagine he'd have the foresight to suggest people should invest in home additions now rather than in twenty years when he's the boss. He'd probably really say something like, "I love trucks and mac n cheese and puppies!" when asked what he wants to tell potential customers. And, honestly, who doesn't love those things?

The next ad from Elite AC features another cute kid who is looking shyly away from the camera and saying, "Kids like Clean Air, Trust us!" This is an interesting statement, coming from a kid. First off, kids are very self-centered, and it's unlikely this child would say that all kids like clean air if he's really talking about himself. Also, most kids don't use the royal we in a sentence or consider themselves to be part of the company. So a kid, when prodded to do so, MIGHT say, "I like clean air; trust me!" You notice how I also don't capitalize random words and use a semi-colon properly? If this wasn't a speech bubble that's quite obviously coming from a kid, I'd say it was the disembodied voice of the owner of Elite AC saying it, with "us" representing the employees of the company. If you really want to go out there, you could say that the eyes rolled to the side are more creepy and the possessed child is speaking as Legion, but most people wouldn't trust a child who's in need of an exorcism.

Precision Carpet features a little boy and a pit bull, two of the most destructive entities known to suburbia. The boy has a smudge of dirt on his face and maybe in his hair while wearing overalls (reminiscent of Dennis the Menace). He's not really saying anything or even doing anything, but I suppose he will make a mess, given the chance. However, the irony in this photo is that neither the boy nor the dog are on carpet. The vans are. I have not yet seen a carpeted garage or driveway in Jacksonville, but I guess Precision Carpet will clean em if you got em.

Side note: I did see a carpeted driveway while walking through Winnipeg (of all places), and I have seen some ratty carpet in enclosed patios here in Jacksonville, though I'm not really sure carpet cleaners can handle engine oil or grease from a grill.

Credible AC uses a baby with his/her family to sell UV light filtering and duct cleaning. While neither will actually protect anyone from Covid, my wife definitely made me get the ducts cleaned in our house when our first baby was born, so I get it: the billion-year-old dust just sitting in your ducts is better off aging in a vacuum or a landfill in Georgia. Guys, just humor your wives and get the ducts cleaned the one time you have a firstborn.

There is one other detail that might need some explaining: the extremely appealing model-parents both sport thick and dark hair, while the cute baby seems to be totally blonde or completely bald. I'm sure the kid will look like dad eventually, but that's one father who might be doing the math of his deployment and when his wife scheduled the construction work, carpet cleaning, and AC installation. I'm kidding. The real question is why the dad's dressed like a lumberjack when the family lives in Florida and has a working HVAC system.

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Monday, March 8

Jax Local Ad of the Week: Pro Glass

Remember to support local businesses. Now to the ad.

Pro Glass is advertising frameless shower doors, but the door itself, along with the rest of this bathroom scene, seem just a little bit off. At first glance, it's a beautiful master bath, but the fun (and the devil) is in the details. Let's take a closer look at that room.

The glass door looks great. But something seemed weird about it swinging in to me. When I looked it up, building code generally says that shower doors CAN swing in but MUST swing out. That's why I've never seen one swung in, and you probably haven't, either. My assumption is that this door swings in AND out, and maybe people tend to like the look of it swung into the shower area. The reason for the code is that a door that only swings in would trap someone in the shower if he or she falls, which is why this one must swing both ways (insert pop icon joke here). So I get that, but why is it swung in or out in the photo? Would anyone leave the shower like this? My wife certainly wouldn't let me leave the shower door open after I was done. Just in case you want to duplicate this look without hiring pros like Pro Glass, be sure to avoid installing a shower door backwards in order to save space.

The bathtub seems to be in the middle of the room, which is fine by me. I assume it makes plumbing a little more difficult, but that's a homeowner's choice. The little end table/stool next to the tub is a bit more questionable. It seems to be leather or some other soft material. On top of the table is a tray with bath oils or whatnot. Also, two towels. One towel is rolled up while the other is draped over the table. Why? I guess it looks fancy, but also, no towel racks. Is that a Florida thing? Because when I bought my house, it only had one towel rack in the shower and one over the tub, neither of which were convenient. I had to add more to the walls, where towel racks go. Or, you could add a door towel rack. But this bathroom has no towel racks at all. Just a window to allow sun-drying, but no rack in the shower or near the tub or on the door. I guess you're supposed to drape your wet towel over your beautiful shower enclosure, but that kind of defeats the purpose of all that beautiful glass.

The last detail that is odd and maybe even a bit frightening is the bird.

The bird is standing in the way of a door that clearly opens in. Is it a doorstop? Maybe it's a towel rack. But when I searched online for bird doorstops and towel racks, I could not find this bad boy. I did notice that the bird stands out more than anything else in the room, so it must be important. But it's blocking EMTs from getting into the bathroom, just like a shower door that opens in. It also looks like it has sharp edges, like something I'd stick in the garden rather than where naked people walk around. If it's iron, it would probably rust as a towel rack. My wife says it's a crane. Do you want to have a crane, whether it's a towel rack, a doorstop, or a piece of art, staring at you in the shower or tub while blocking your only exit? No, thank you.

Thursday, March 4

1986 Bertone (Fiat) X 1/9 in Jacksonville

I've been asked by a reader to add some photos of my X. I don't think she'd mind.

I've seen a few people snap photos of her as I drive around, but I've kind of neglected to take many of my own. Her permanent, legal home is in Wisconsin, where most of the photos were taken.

Section 8 Housing In Jax and St. Johns

I first heard of Section 8 housing when I saw a news story about St. Johns County. That story said St. Johns had some kind of law against Section 8 housing, which resulted in fewer options to house the homeless contingent in St. Augustine. I never looked up Section 8 at the time, though I did wonder how St. Johns could ban Section 8 while Duval can't. I'm still not all that sure about how or why, but I do know most of us don't want Section 8 in our back yards. In fact, I just discussed something similar to Section 8 with my kids, as we drove past the Dunes Apartments next to Ed Austin Park. I said the apartments looked so bad that it might make sense to pull them down and build some smaller single-family homes, which might result in some of the people who no one really wants hanging out in a park being forced to move away. But then one of my kids asked me where they'd go, and that's what makes it complicated. I'd like to say, "St. Johns County," but I can't. And so that means that those of us in Duval who live too close to Section 8 housing will eventually move to where that type of housing can't exist.

First and foremost, support local businesses. Now, let's look at the ad.

At first glance, this week's ad might seem like standard swimwear fare, but (like most ads) there are some strange details as you look closer. But maybe it's just because the business is trying to sell off those old 2020 swimsuits. Or it's just really difficult to make swimsuit models look natural in a tiny print ad.

Jacksonville's Two Civil War Burnings

Union troops hanging out at Bay and Ocean

At some point, most of us who live in Jacksonville learn about the fire of 1901 that destroyed most of the city. That's why I was surprised to learn of two other fires in the city's past, both during the Civil War. Neither fire was as destructive property-wise, but I think the argument could be made that both of these fires were more destructive to relationships between locals that extended to the rest of the country. These fires were burnings rather than an accidental fire like in 1901.

Polar Blue Skies?

What are polar blue skies?

I saw the term used on the First Coast News Weather Channel. When I asked Google, she said she didn't know how to help with that, so I just searched the term "polar blue skies" myself on Google. The top results were from old First Coast News posts about the weather. So is it a Jax thing or a local meteorologist thing? Or a real thing that most weather people ignore?

Jax Local Ad of the Week: Milano's for Valentine's Day

Local ads can be fun because they are not always as polished as national ad campaigns. This is the first in a series that will take a look at some local ads from mailer magazines.

Support local businesses, even if their ads weird you out a little.

My wife enjoys Milano's, and we have used the restaurant's promotions in the past. And if it wasn't for a pandemic, we might have done the Valentine's Day Special, even with it being presented in this somewhat odd ad.

Culver's Arlington Location (UN)Explained

Evan Clagnaz is a lot like me. He's from Wisconsin. He wants a Culver's in the Arlington area of Jacksonville. He trusts other people. He has a few million dollars to invest in a restaurant. Etc.

OK, fine, at 36 I didn't quite have $4+ million to invest. Or at 46. Maybe at 56 (fingers crossed), but by then, all the Culver's restaurants will have been built in Jax, and I'll have missed my chance to own one. Except for maybe one that fails because it’s been built in the wrong location.

The Best Gyros in Jacksonville

I wish this article was about the best gyros in Jacksonville. My family loves us some gyros, having learned about the awesomeness from Milwaukee staples like Oakland Gyros and Golden Gyros. We tried gyros when we lived in Kansas City, but almost every restaurant there mixed beef and lamb (at best) and fell a bit short. In Jacksonville, we've tried a few places, but we have yet to really find the best gyros in Jacksonville, so if your restaurant wants me to find out if you qualify, then contact me. We're good for several visits per year once we find you, but I'd suggest a discount or coupon to entice me from the start.

Siteground Officially Not Best Hosting Provider

Let's say you have an idea to build a website, or maybe you want to build a website farm in order to funnel people to your pyramid or ponzi scheme. It used to be that if you wanted to use Joomla to build the websites involved in your business venture, you'd choose Siteground. It was a level above the other hosts for both services offered and customer service. Plus, it offered special tools dedicated to helping those who preferred Joomla to Wordpress.

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Tuesday, May 11

Monday, May 10

Saturday, May 8

Monday, April 26

Friday, April 23

Friday, April 16

Thursday, April 15

Tuesday, April 13

Monday, March 8

Thursday, March 4

Friday, February 26

Tuesday, February 23

Saturday, February 20

Friday, February 12

Wednesday, February 10

Tuesday, February 9

Thursday, February 4

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