Finally, A Breasteraunt Near Me

I didn't even know the term "breasteraunt" existed, but now that I do, I'm excited that one of these fine establishments is coming to Kernan and Atlantic June of 2023. I suppose I should have guessed that Twin Peaks was more than just an outdoorsy sports bar but more of a Hooters-style gentlemen's club for the family.

I ventured to the Twin Peaks website to do a little recon, and I discovered that the waitresses wear black and red flannel "shirts" and Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, the cooks and dishwashers don't get to wear those sweet threads. There's also a Man Card that I assume is for VIPs who spend their lunch breaks getting some twin peeks before heading back to work and then home to the ball and chain. Sign me up, I guess.

As far as the food goes, who really cares, right? But it's wings and burgers and lots of fried stuff that looks tasty enough. The only menu item that seems a bit titillating is the Twin Peaks Sundae that has side-by-side scoops of ice cream, each with a cherry on top. I suppose some drunk dad will motorboat it in front of the kids, but it's not like Mom has to order some inappropriately-named taco or clam dish. I didn't even see melons as a side dish, but I'm sure guys will try to create their own menu items for fun.

I'm sure the UNF girls who don't want to work an actual gentlemen's club or become a sugar baby for some CEO will flock to the opportunity to make Double-D-sized tips. The position is called a Twin Peaks Girl. Here's a description of the job from the Twin Peaks website:

The essence of the Twin Peaks Girl is based on female sex appeal, and encompasses her knowledge of sports, food, beverages, having a fun energetic personality, and her ability to meet and maintain the Twin Peaks Image & Costume Guidelines.

The wording of the job description confuses me a little. I guess for some guys sex appeal requires knowledge of sports, food, and beverages. I'm happy if my wife pretends to like sports a little bit and allows me to watch football instead of taking her shopping on Sundays. The description says she needs to be flirty and fill out the costume in all the right places. I assume these last two skills/natural endowment are more important than her knowledge of wing sauces or Weiss beers to her sex appeal, but you never know with these millennials and GenZers.

I suppose Twin Peaks should go on the bucket list of somewhat awkward things to do with my son or Bible study group. I hope it becomes a decent local Packer bar if nothing else because then I'd have an excuse to survey the landscape.

New Roof Miscommunications Lead to Buyer's Remorse and This Review

My neighbor recommended CNR Roofing in Jacksonville because of the warranty and price. Assuming the company is still in business, workmanship is guaranteed for 10 years rather than the typical 5 years. I liked that, too, so I added CNR to my list of roofing estimates. 

The salesman told me what they'd do and materials they'd use and how it was all quality, and I was pretty much sold, so I asked if I could get a cash or special-financing-rate credit card discount or offer. I was told 1% cash discount. That was cool, though I assumed my other options were to pay with check or credit card (also about 1% cash back depending on the card). I was wrong.

CNR pushed the date around to account for rain. That's not a big deal when it was pushed back, but when it was pushed up, I didn't have time to get cash in hand (though it was in the bank). When I told the salesman this, he said just pay with a check, and in my mind, a check would be the same as cash when compared to a credit card (which I know charges fees to companies), so I saw it as a green light to pay partial cash and the rest a check. Nope. I was later told cash or check was all they took, and I lost my discount because I didn't go get $8,000 from the bank, even though I was also told it costs then money to process cash, so I was confused. I thought they'd want cash for maybe paying a worker cash once in a while or whatever it is companies sometimes want cash for, and I was willing to go get the cash, but then they didn't really want it and seemed to want payment immediately, even though the roof was done a day early. I hadn't slept much in the previous 24 hours, so I went with it. 1% isn't such a big deal if the job's done right.

However, even before I didn't get my 1%, I had let CNR know that a rusty nail went through my foot the night before. I was very surprised to hear that I wasn't getting my discount AND that I need to be careful in my yard. No apology discount or immediate calling for a crew with magnets. Or an inspection of the yard together. Just be careful. After my overpayment, I headed outside to inspect, hoping the crew had picked up some nails since the previous night (they finished in the morning of the second day). I found over a dozen nails in the yard. That's worse than just be careful. All told, I found enough nails in the yard, plant pots, the shed roof, etc., to make the yard officially dangerous. Even the nails not in the yard itself, like the ten or so on top of the shed, would eventually end up in the yard. Honestly, if I wanted a crappy job of a roof tear-off, I would have done it myself. The photo I took of the nails I found does not include one my wife found (which she handed to the workers) and the one in my foot (which I tossed into the dumpster before cracking open a beer for self-healing heal).

We chose to keep cars in the garage to protect them from the elements, and we assumed the dumpster would leave when the crew was finished. Nope. I couldn't pick my kid up from school or use my vehicle to get to work. Again, probably just another miscommunication, but enough to make me feel like there should have been better communication. As in, "Have cash on hand for the discount (even if we go a day early), and have your cars out of the garage for as long as it takes because our dumpster leaves when it feels like leaving. And be prepared to clean up your yard yourself."

If I'd known all that, I'd be much happier. In fact, if you hire CNR, now you know. I think the roof is fine, and I hope they stay in business 10 years, honestly. Being from Wisconsin, my expectations are just high, even when Florida proves time and again that even big-ticket purchases are just barely adequate in most cases. I'm not saying you should pay twice as much to ensure a better roof experience or go with a cut-rate company that uses worse materials. Mostly, I'd just say to not expect an excellent experience no matter which Florida roofer, car dealership, plumber, painter, contractor, or whatever you choose. I've seen the results of those and more, and it's just not all that good.

After the roof was done, the bills paid, and my clean-up complete, my insurance guy told me to get a wind mitigation report from the roofer. He said roofers and contractors in Florida can fill out the form. Again, nope. While someone at CNR could take a class and be qualified, they are not, so that means an extra $80 to $135 needs to be in your CNR roofing budget. Also, the inspector said my underlayment was basic and not necessarily the better material insurance looks for, so I guess I misunderstood the sales pitch that said CNR used something better than other roofers. 

I was told when I paid that I could leave the CNR sign up as long as I wanted, so I walked down to the street as the bill collector was leaving in order to remove the sign. The job is done, and I hope it's the last I have to deal with CNR or any other roofer for a very long time. I obviously do not recommend using CNR roofing for those of you who expect the best, but as long as you know what you're getting, I'd say the company is worth an estimate.

I wanted to add that my bill to CNR for poor cleanup, storage of their dumpster, and lack of communication comes to $280. I'll update this page if the company decides to pay the bill. Cash or check would be fine.

Places to Advertise Community Events in Jacksonville

My son is in another school play, and this time I decided to try to drum up a little attention. However, I don't know exactly how to do it, so I want to document what I have tried to get a community event publicized, especially when a few hurdles existed from the outset.

First off, Duval County Public Schools have terrible websites, so while I don't think the school he's at has publicized the event, it's really hard to tell. On top of that, the tickets didn't go on sale on the GoFan site until less than a week before the event, which means all the meathead parents with kids in sports didn't see it as an upcoming event, nor could I use the link in material publicizing the play. Basically, the plan seems to be that no one will show up, and because no one will show up, there's no reason to publicize it. I don't like that plan, so this is what I tried:

About a month before the play (in this case it's Noises Off at Fletcher High School), I tried to add it to a couple of local events websites. Because I didn't have a link to tickets or an official website, I provided my own information. Folio Weekly ended up adding the event (Hooray!), while visitjacksonville did not (Boo! Hiss!) The only problem is that Folio Weekly doesn't rank high when it comes to theater events, and Jacksonville (no surprise) is all about the for-profit theater companies and their list of re-hashed productions. Anyhow, much love to Folio Weekly.

My next step is to get a document printed and posted wherever someone will let me in the East Arlington/Beaches area. I'll start with my church because my wife works there and the people know James. I went to the Pablo Creek Regional Library with one ad, but the library staff said I couldn't post it anywhere, which means a local public school can't post event info at a local public library about a literary event. My son was technically in charge of distribution of the rest of the printouts. I don't think he tried any local businesses, instead opting to hand them to fellow actors to each post one somewhere.

In the end, not much was advertised. We learned that Folio Weekly allows legitimate events, but it's not the calendar that tends to show up in Google searches. We learned that the library should change its policy and the high school should promote academic activities as much as sporting events. We learned that kids (even friends) don't attend plays, nor do most teachers or community members who happen to hear about them. That said, better execution of advertising will occur in the future because of what we've learned. If the play's appropriate, we'll try a local mom blog in the future, too. But I really believe a door-to-door canvassing with the printed playbill around the school might be the best way to let people know, since most people aren't actively searching for the information. We can ask the neighbors to post the info at work or pass the word to someone who might be interested.

San Pablo Construction - Neighborly Thoughts

I haven't checked out my neighbor complaint app recently, so I decided to read one about the construction on San Pablo, just to see how neighborly everyone can be about the issue. Here's the initial post: 

For everyone that complained to the city about the construction work being performed at night on San Pablo, thank you for making long traffic delays and problems while we’re trying to go to work and take our kids to school. All because you didn’t want a little bit of noise at night.

I lived through Zoo Interchange construction in Milwaukee, and I can tell you that some of it would have been impossible at night, but that's a major I-94 interchange as opposed to a road widening. Let's see how neighbors build each other up:

Lunch time this week San Pablo was at a slow crawl, one lane closed, I needed to make a left across San Pablo. I would say 30 cars wouldn’t let me make a left. I kept inching up and they would go around me to go nowhere. I was blocking their lane and they would still drive around me. So if you see a white jeep, yeah that’s me doing 25. Payback.

While a lot of commenters just agreed with the original post, the previous response added another element to neighbors not necessarily loving each other. The next guy probably always knows the local weather forecast if anyone wants to hear it:

I could never figure out why anyone would use San Pablo as a through road when Hodges is so much faster.

Others point out that Google sends people that way, but it might also have to do with two schools and lots of housing. Also tourists and new citizens. Basically, you've got A1A, San Pablo, Hodges, Kernan, St. Johns Bluff, and Southside. Take your pick, but it sucks to drive 2 miles out of your way in each direction to get where you're going. 

People don’t think things through. That’s the nicest way I can put it

I guess no one wanted to defend the decision to abort overnight construction in order to turn this forum thread into a bloodbath. If I lived on San Pablo and had complained, I think I'd be happy to step back and watch the madness from a distance, too, especially if I had a work-from-home job. 


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I-95, US 1, and A1A

I was taking US 1 (Hwy 1 or Philips Hwy) to St. Augustine when someone asked if it went up and down the coast and whether it or I-95 went to the Keys and all sorts of questions I hadn't considered. So I decided to write about the general rules for our main north-south roads in the Jacksonville area. 

US-1 does run the entire length of Florida, but it's kind of weird to start, coming through Georgia (Folkston) as 301 or 15, then turning into 23 or Rte1 or 15 at Callahan. And then it becomes Philips Highway after it cuts through Jacksonville. Also in Jacksonville is Alt1 (MLK Expressway and Hart Bridge), though I'm not sure where it hooks back up with US-1 south of the river. Since Hwy 1 follows New Kings road for a time, the route from Florida to Georgia probably follows generally the Kings Road that was built in the late 1700s that was supposed to diagonal from Macon through Cowford (Jacksonville) and down to St. Augustine and eventually New Smyrna. I believe the Old Dixie Highway is also part of this route. Anyhow, after Jacksonville when it veers towards the northwest, US-1 is a main thoroughfare that goes north-south along the Atlantic coast of Florida, staying west of the Intracoastal Waterway.

A1A is the road that goes up and down the coast that generally stays east of the Intracoastal. It's often the road next to the oceanfront properties. You can drive it right past Mar-a-Lago or the Kennedy Space Center. But A1A does get cut off by some inlets along the way from Amelia Island down to Miami, including the St. Johns River here in Jax, meaning you have to cross the Intracoastal and often use US-1 in order to pick A1A back up again. Therefore, a trip along the A1A along the entire Atlantic coast of Florida would be mind-numbingly long. If you could get lucky and average 35mph along the way, it would still be over 10 hours from Miami up to Fernandina Beach.

When you want to speed through Florida, then the I-95 is your road. Generally, it's further from the coast than the A1A or US-1. Around Miami, you also get the turnpike and I-75 going north-south alongside the 95. It's a dangerous road, and I think it's used by a lot of drug mules and people escaping from other states, but it's fast. Jax to Miami in about 5 hours. 

Trying to Understand Stand Your Ground

Two recent cases in Northeast Florida have me questioning the stand your ground law more than ever. One involves a bar fight and the other road rage, but both seem to allow more than you'd expect from a law meant to be used to protect responsible gun owners.

The St. Augustine bar fight went down like this: two guys get into a fight. One is losing the fight, so he pulls out his gun (which was banned in the bar) and kills his opponent. He's acquitted and only charged with a misdemeanor gun charge.

The other case is the local road rage story where occupants of two cars are getting into it. The passenger (wife) in one car throws a water bottle into the other car. The other driver shoots back with a gun. He's not charged because of stand your ground. The first driver retaliates with a gun instead of another water bottle. He is charged with attempted murder but will probably also use the stand your ground defense.

Do you see the problem here? The stand your ground law is encouraging people in non-lethal situations to retaliate with lethal force. The man losing the bar fight had no reason to assume he was going to be killed by getting his ass kicked. Most of us deserve an ass kicking once in a while. But he was a bitch and grabbed his gun, and I'd say if you bring your gun into a bar where no one is supposed to have one, you're planning on using it if you get into a bar fight. Just as importantly, the decision makes it nearly impossible for any male in his fightin years to NOT bring his gun everywhere he goes, since it's likely every other male also has a gun, and it's legal to kill anyone who might kick your ass.

Honestly, even at my age, I see a ton of people around Jacksonville whose asses I could pummel in a fight. But I guess that's not an option anymore, because the moment you win a fist fight, you're now the assailant and can be shot dead because of our rights to protect our property from British soldiers.

The other case is similar in that Lady MacBeth only tossed a water bottle at Dad 2. That's bad and should have led to an arrest, but it apparently created a justified shooting situation. Unless it was a 20-pound jug of water that crashed through the windshield, I'm thinking you still just call 911 and let the po-po handle it. 

Yes, Dad 1, after he realized his daughter had been shot, should have pulled over to tend to her instead of firing on Dad 2 (shooting Daughter 2) in return, but the gun escalation had already begun, and you could argue that returning actual gunfire is much more standing your ground than bringing a gun to a water bottle fight.

I know, maybe the bar fight guy who got killed was a kickboxer who was himself a deadly weapon, and a pickup truck/ water bottle combo is probably a deadly weapon, but it just feels like every shooting where people are disagreeing will lead to the stand your ground defense. In a state with millions of guns and a new conceal carry law, I'd say that means none of us should ever have any disagreements with anyone ever.

A few months ago, I saw a sports dad (justifiably) yell at an athletic director who employs a very awful coach. The dad was fairly fit, and the athletic director is an old-ass man. Based on Florida law, I assume the athletic director could have shot the dad dead because he would have taken an ass-pounding in a fight. Instead, they both yelled and then eventually talked it out in the parking lot. Even if the dad had pushed or punched the athletic director, it should have then ended with some kind of assault charges and nothing more. The other parents would have broken up the fight. But our law allows and, in a way, encourages a similar situation to end in a shooting. Even if the old man had been the first to throw a punch or pull out some pepper spray, the shooter who responds seems to get a huge benefit of a bad law.

What Does it Mean to Get San Pabloed or Hodged in Jacksonville?

The other day, I got San Pabloed. I've also been Hodged plenty of times. You can get San Pabloed or Hodged at San Pablo or Hodges, but the general principal likely exists in other places around Jacksonville as roads reach capacity. Getting San Pabloed or Hodged is what I call it when you get stuck while traveling in the right or left lane of Atlantic or Beach (east or west) because the turn lanes to San Pablo or Hodges have reached capacity. This usually occurs during the afternoon rush hours. It might be because two elementary schools brilliantly sit across from one another on San Pablo or because hundreds of middle managers are getting home to let the dogs out after work. 

My usual method is to stay in the middle lane on Atlantic or Beach. The empty bus can kill you in the right lane, and the left and right turn lanes fill up and back up into traffic. A lot. In true Jacksonville style, I'm sure the answer will be to widen the roads, add longer turn lanes, and hope for the best. But that's still several years off. Maybe a few more inverted scissors intersections to mess with tourists.

So it's not going away. You will get San Pabloed or Hodged at some point in Jax. It's not as bad as getting Blandinged (which is just not going anywhere in any direction with 14 lanes), but it still sucks.

What Happened to the Dames Point Bridge Lights?

I was excited when I heard that the Dames Point Bridge would benefit from some lighting at night. I figured it would look cool. 

When the lights first came on, I was a little disappointed because it seemed that the lights could have been designed better or that a percentage of the lighting was still off. In fact, I think some nights the lights were only half on. 

Then, after about a month, I thought the lights appeared to be pretty good: you could see it from all directions, at least. Or maybe I just got used to the semi-lit look. Anyhow, the Dames Point Bridge was lit, and it looked good. Good enough. 

Then, after a couple of months of hearing positive comments about the pretty bridge, I noticed that the Dames Point was only half lit. One side only. Bridges don't look cool only half-lit, but we seemed to try it for a couple of weeks. 

Eventually, however, the lights went off completely, and that's around the time of me writing about them. I haven't done the research as to why the lights went off. It doesn't really matter. I can tell you that tourists liked them when they were on, but I can't confirm those tourists spent any more money in the region or bothered to go downtown. 

In the end, the lighting of the Dames Point Bridge may end up being a metaphor for Jacksonville: lots of potential, slow to get going, great for a while, sputtering, and then failure. As an outsider who has become an insider, I'd say that maintaining some attention to detail would be a positive improvement for a city that does not need to continually sputter and fail. Let's light the bridge and keep it lit. Let's start some projects and finish them. And then maintain what we finish. People notice. 

[UPDATE]

A few days after I published this article, the lights came back on the Dames Point. However, several of the lights seemed to be out, while others were continuously flashing. Maybe we need to get an electrician on the bridge to see if the connections are good. If the light bulbs are flashing because they're going bad after a few months, that's going to be a long-term problem with whatever bulbs were purchased, and the bridge will look half-ass for years to come.

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Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
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McNewsy - Creative Writing
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Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

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Harrell & Harrell 'The Right Size' Ad is Hilarious

Maybe Harrell & Harrell was going for a sassy, naughty response to Morgan & Morgan. Maybe the law firm just got really lucky and never thought about it. However, the result is one of the best clapback ads ever created.

For context, Morgan & Morgan created a series of commercials and billboards claiming that size matters. It's because Morgan & Morgan is the largest injury law firm on earth or something. The phrase also has a sexual connotation. The ads didn't take it too far, but everyone knows the debate about male size and whether it matters. So a big law firm is saying that size matters, and they are kind of using sex to sell, even if the Morgans aren't the sexiest men alive.

The genius of Harrell & Harrell's ad campaign is that Holt Harrell probably is the sexiest lawyer alive. And the billboard, with a photo of Holt, reads, "The right size." That's freakin hilarious! Plausible deniability allows one to say it's just in response to some large law firm that doesn't really know who you are, but if you acknowledge the use of sex in the Morgan & Morgan ad, then the response ad is doing the same thing. It's not the size but how you use it, right? Morgan & Morgan is just too big and too firm. 

When you are a handsome, wealthy lawyer-veteran like Holt Harrell, you're probably more worried about lining up donors for a potential Senate bid than a pissing contest with Morgan and Morgan, but Holt won it anyhow. Because of the ad, you assume Harrell drives a sensible family sedan instead of a monster pickup truck. You assume he shows up for court well-rested rather than hung-over. You assume he is polite to the judge. You assume he holds you afterwards; or holts you. Most of us associate law firms with one-night-stands: you're ashamed to do it, but you kind of want it to be good if you're going to bother. But Holt Harrell is the lawyer you'd be proud to bring home to dinner with the family.

My wife used Milwaukee's biggest and most advertised law firm when she got into an accident, and it worked out OK for her, but when she finally met the man behind the "one call, that's all" catchphrase, she said it was like meeting a rock star. And that was after all his minions did his bidding to get the settlement. I told her he probably meets all the clients once just to see if they'd make good billboard photos, but she didn't really make enough money to get plastered on a giant sign. You don't imagine Holt Harrell checking out clients once just to see if they're billboard-worthy. That's a big, sleazy Orlando-lawyer move. And it's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean that makes all the difference.

I'm Gonna be a Homeschool Millionaire!

Florida is about to pass a voucher school bill that lets responsible parents like myself decide what's best for my kids. Because I know. And I also know that I can get $8,000 for each one of those little bastards I keep home to educate. 

So let's see, four kids, fourteen years each...$448,000. Half a million, anyhow. I'll just set them right down in front of Fox News and they'll know all they need to know. Maybe some 700 Club for a little religion and Newsmax for some unbiased hard news. I can still work my other jobs as long as someone's home to make sure the kids are using some learning apps on their phones. 

Since it's about mind and body, weekly fishing and shooting field trips will be necessary, as well as recess at the local park for as long as it takes to tire them out. 

I guess it probably makes sense to get some book-learning curriculum, too, and since that only costs about $500 per year per kid, we'll still have plenty left over to put a down payment on my new RAM pickup.  

Actually, it probably makes sense to find four other families at church that also want to homeschool so that I only have to watch kids once a week. Yep, I'll be a pretty good teacher, for sure, and I know what's best for my kids. 

Why Isn't There an NCIS Jax?

I think the various NCIS and FBI shows are all that's on CBS, which is fine, but I just wonder why we don't have an NCIS Jacksonville TV show. Instead, we have Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol as our most important local police drama. NCIS would be a good fit because we're the second biggest Navy town and we have as much crime as any other big city. 

We have stupid Florida crime, which is mostly only available in Florida. While the other NCISs focus on criminal masterminds, NCIS Jax would be more about criminals who rob banks and then walk to their apartment complex across the street. Or folks who have kennels with 30 pit bulls in their yards. Or geniuses who 3D print fully-automatic gun modifications to sell out of their garages. Or dentists who practice dentistry in their living rooms. Or executives who try to sell public utilities to get rich. Really dumb, immoral crime that's the bread and butter of the Keep Florida Free movement.

Maybe NCIS Jax could also investigate Navy guys who rent in neighborhoods beyond their means with a bunch of buddies and refuse to take their recycling out on the right day of the week, letting it sit beside their house as an eyesore. I'd appreciate that storyline. NCIS Jax wouldn't even have to worry about Writers Guild strikes because stupid crime in Florida pretty much writes itself. As in, today we need to investigate the guy who keeps gardening in the nude. Or we have to decipher who wrote a blog post about Ron Desantis without permission. Or which teacher let students read a Judy Blume book. Big crimes.

The Jacksonville NCIS officers should be decidedly Florida in their law enforcement, evading questions from the press and turning off body cameras when convenient. They should pull people over without just cause and use Guantanamo-style interrogation techniques. It could also have a Baywatch vibe with some surfing and tail-chasing in between drug busts and murder investigations.

Amelia Concours d'Elegance, AKA And Another Porsche

To be fair, I didn't actually attend The Amelia, also called the Amelia Concours d'Elegance. So I'm not sure which vehicles are represented at the event. Someday, I'll check it out. I just wanted to take my 86 Bertone X 1/9 for a leisurely drive around Amelia Island while the concours was happening so that I could see some of the locals doing the same. Cruising, I guess. I figured I'd see all kinds of vehicles like mine: MGs, Triumphs, TVRs, Lotuses, Alfas, Ferraris. MR2s and Fieros wanting to be X 1/9s. Miatas wanting to be 124s. At least one Viper. Grand Nationals, Chevelles, Camaros and Mustangs. Of course, plenty of Corvettes. Some Teslas and Maseratis, too. However, I mostly saw Porsches.

I like Porsches, so I wasn't as disappointed as I was surprised. After I saw my first half-dozen German sports cars, I stopped looking too closely at them, just offering my event catch phrase, "And another Porsche."

I did see my fair share of Corvettes, so some of the coolest grandpas from several retirement communities were checking out the concours. I saw one MG, one Alpha Romeo Spyder, one legit American muscle car, maybe three Ferraris, etc. It was fun to see these cars, so I'm glad I ventured out. Perhaps Saturday is the big day to bring your own ride that might need an emergency tow, whereas Sunday is the day to bring the family in a Blah-serati SUV. But of the folks that did show up with sports cars, a majority of them drove Porsches. I guess Sunday could have been some kind of Porsche owners club event. 

I estimate that I saw about double the number of Porsches as Corvettes. Probably 25 Corvettes and 50 Porsches. Granted, a Corvette is a model while Porsche is a make, with such offerings as the 911, Cayman, and Boxster. I saw mostly 911s, though I did see a vintage 928 parked along A1A. I wish I'd seen at least one other Fiat, though I did get thumbs up from at least one Porsche driver and one Corvette passenger (whose grandpa probably used to have a Fiat).

I guess I'm wondering if the Porsche phenomenon is local to northeast Florida or attendees of fancy auto shows. Plenty of Navy guys in Jax own Mustangs, Camaros, and Chargers, but those guys are more likely to attend auto shows in local strip mall parking lots than at the Ritz-Carlton. Also, the categories for show cars include the "Porsche 959," "Porsche 2.7 Carrera," "Porsche Fiberglass Racing Spyders," etc. Lots of Porsche categories probably means lots of Porsche fans.

I was on the X 1/9 forum recently and saw that there are roughly 1,000 registered and licensed Xs in the US (about 100 from 1986), and one argument was that if you don't pay premium prices for collector cars, you don't keep them up and expect premium sales prices later. I know Corvettes are seen as investments, and I bet all those Porsche owners probably feel the same way. For me, it's enough to invest in a yearly-ish oil change and hope the car keeps running. However, I did have to replace the fuel filter after I nearly stalled taking on the Dames Point Bridge (I luckily had an extra filter in my pre-bought parts box).

Anyhow, back to Porsches. They cost about $1,000 a year to maintain. Corvettes are around $700. My budget is maybe $200, which I've tried to stick to since my marriage 20 years ago. I used to take it to a real Italian dealership in Milwaukee (Reina) where it got pricey love. If 911 and Corvette owners believe it makes sense to spend 4 to 5 times my budget for keeping their cars from falling apart, that probably explains the numbers of those vehicles on the road. Maybe someday I'll own a Porsche along with my Fiat.

Even Newt Gingrich Says I Can Talk About Ron DeSantis

While some of my fellow Floridians might think the Second Amendment is the most important, it's really the First Amendment. Free speech. It allows you to say how important the other amendments are to you. While we have some limits to free speech/writing when it comes to defamation or libel, we Americans generally have the right to say what we believe, especially about public figures. If Ron DeSantis signs a bill saying bloggers will need to register with the government in order to discuss him, he'll be assaulting free speech in a way that will make his assault on state education look like light petting.

I understand the idea behind saying that some paid bloggers are really lobbyists. Some bloggers are probably paid lots of money by political parties in order to promote or denounce policies and politicians. It's probably frustrating that these folks hide behind the First Amendment the same way mass shooters hide behind the Second Amendment. Jason Brodeur, who would also be off-limits for bloggers who don't register with the FLestapo, has proposed a bill that would fine anyone who has gotten paid or will get paid for a blog post about DeSantis or any of his pets in office. Not journalists, supposedly. But then again, with DeSantis's view mainstream media being partisan, isn't everyone from USA Today to the Miami Herald just writing for blogs nowadays? And what about editorial opinions from newspapers?

I realize I'm not the target here. No one "pays" me to write my posts. I might make a little money from ads on my website. In general, however, if I wanted to start a blog, like desanctimonious.com and write hard news, fake news, satire, or even poetry about Ron Desantis (while getting paid by Donald Trump or George Soros), it's actually OK for me to do that. In Russia, I might go to jail, but even though we also border Georgia, this ain't Russia. Yet. 

Most of this stuff, I don't really care about. We've got property appraisers and school board members getting Desantis backing.  Disney taking it up the Astro Orbiter. Or AP taking it lying down. College professors, teachers, and students being told what to teach and learn. Unions getting busted (except police). Ex-cons who were told to vote by the state being sent to jail for voting and politicians who question RD's buddies in The Villages being sent to jail on trumped-up Sunshine law charges. And you can't have a meeting at the Capitol without a sponsor. Or a peaceful protest. But we sure as shootin can all carry concealed weapons, especially those in the new Florida secret police force. We even have guards at library voting stations. And what will we ever know about Kent Stermon or how Mike Williams kept his retirement or which donors have which construction/road project? Or why millions of our dollars are being used in Texas to send illegal immigrants north.

Ron Desantis, whose name I can say, is a one-trick pony who happened to open Florida up at the right time, and that might have warranted him a second term as governor. But he really seems to be an icky person who is trying to create new world order in Florida that limits more rights than it offers, all while hoping to control who can even write about him or talk about him.

If you're not a racist truck driver/housing developer, you can probably agree that Ron Desantis has taken taken things too far in at least a half-dozen ways. But there's no state legislature or state supreme court to check him, so we're kind of stuck with whatever plans he cooks up in his lair. I've lived in states with Republicans and Democrats as governor, and normally I agree with some policies and disagree with some policies. With Captain Ron, I agree with some, disagree with some, but for a vast majority, I am kind of in disbelief. I suppose his supporters would say I was indoctrinated as woke for too many years, but that's just not true. I don't agree with paying reparations and trans stuff makes me uncomfortable. I don't like illegal immigration or illegal voting. But I do believe that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I also believe that those who feel bullied become the worst bullies. Ron Desantis plays off the fear we all have of being bullied. Real or perceived, and from one perspective. You can look through history to find other leaders who led with that fear. Sure, our Founding Fathers might fit the description, but they also established our Bill of Rights that included free speech. It's the other leaders throughout history who tried to suppress rights that worry me. And those are the leaders that worried those who created our country.

Getting a Ticket in JAX: No Easy Way Out

Someone in the family got a ticket in Duval County. It's a traffic ticket issued by a lazy cop who never asked any questions, probably because his very job as a Beaches police officer depends on how many tickets can be issued. Anyhow, the ticket exists, but the way out seems like we're stuck paying full price no matter what, and that seems to be the way it's stacked against us.

Pay and Add Points

You can just pay your ticket and accept the points. Insurance companies claim they don't discriminate based on points, but they might, and you can also eventually lose your license.

Pay and No Points

If you take an online class for $6, you can save $12 (on our particular ticket), but there's also a $20 state fee and $10 fee to get the proof you passed the class, which Duval requires. So you're spending an extra $24 to avoid the points.

Pay Online

Add $7 to pay online. I forget the scenario and whether we had to pay this or not, but there is some kind of online fee for the convenience of an instant transaction that costs Duval a lot less than $7.

Pay and Notarize

Add $7 for some kind of notarized payment option. Maybe this is in-person? I don't remember, but it seemed stupid whatever it was.

Don't Pay

Add $20 if you avoid paying by the due date. You still owe the money and the fees and you'll get the points, just an extra $20 for your decision to avoid the payment.

Pay a lawyer

Several law firms said they'd get you out of the ticket and points for about half the price or the ticket itself. That sounds good, if it works. If I had been the one receiving the violation, I probably would have rolled the dice with an attorney, but we didn't want to have to deal with it in this instance, especially since I checked the intersection and confirmed we were in the wrong. Also, I have to question a system that allows you to nearly automatically get our of a ticket with a lawyer. Also also, the lawyers warn against trying to represent yourself, but that should be just as good of an option, though it does require taking time off work or school with no guarantees.

In the end, it seems like the best option is to not get caught. I see so many bad drivers that don't get caught doing pretty insane stuff that I'm always surprised when someone gets a ticket for going 10mph over or coasting through a barely-red light.

FDOT Says We're Good in Northeast Florida

I was excited to see which project(s) might get fast-tracked in Northeast Florida with the state pumping $7 billion into solving congestion over the next four years. I read that some of these 20 major projects were supposed to take 20 years to finish, but an infusion of billions of dollars would cut that to four. So we're saved from traffic issues at last. Hooray!

Would we be getting that First Coast Expressway with a new bridge over the St. Johns River, an I-10 bypass of downtown/Arlington that isn't stupid, safe downtown I-95 ramps? Nope. Maybe a fix for the mess St. Johns County is creating for itself with constant building without planning? Nope. Fixing Blanding in Clay? Nope. Anything? Nope.

That's right, Florida's largest city and one of its fastest growing metro areas received none of the super-important traffic abatement cash. Sorry, neighbors.

Orlando to Tampa: five projects. Tampa to Ft Myers: six projects. One each in Miami, Tallahassee, Pensacola, Ft Lauderdale, and Panama City. I guess there's an I-95 project down in Volusia County, so traveling away from Jax might get easier, and I suppose that might be important. Duval County itself doesn't have the worst commute times (yet), and St. Johns County is about average for Florida, but Clay and Nassau Counties do have extra-long commutes, though that could just be bad decisions of where people live versus where they work. Anyhow, the whole region is growing faster than just about anywhere else on earth, so I assume we'll have plenty of road projects available in the next few years. Just not now.

Sometimes, It's Not The Neighbor's Cat That Scratches Your Car and Poops on the Roof

In a news story from the Friendliest Hometown in America, I learned that if your car has scratches on it and poop on the roof, you better check surveillance video. While you might suspect the neighbor's large outdoor cat, it's also possible it's some cat you know from work:

Hoopfer identified the man as Powell, “who he recognized from work.” It appeared the damage had taken place at about 10:30 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday. When questioned by police, Hoopfer theorized that Powell might have been provoked to commit the vandalism “over a girl.”

Under closer inspection of the home security video, the officer noted the man was wearing a white T-shirt and dark pants. The man kicked the driver’s side mirror and scratched the doors before climbing onto the roof of the vehicle, dropping his pants and defecating. After he jumped back to the ground, he again scratched the driver’s side of the vehicle. The officer noted that the man captured on surveillance had a towering presence and that Powell’s driver license information indicated he stands 6 feet, 5 inches tall.

Can you imagine that one? Instead of a large house cat or panther or even crazed alligator, it was a 6' 5"' human scratching and pooping on a car. That must be some girl the two guys are competing for. I suppose she should feel special, unlike the poor car. I'd like to tell the tall pooper dude to just move on and find a new girl in town, but I think the better advice is to move far away, maybe to somewhere that doesn't have internet service (Green Bank, West Virginia), since I'm sure someone has this surveillance video all set to go viral. 

I'm sure most of us have gotten drunk at a Super Bowl party, after having also eaten too much. Most of us poop on or near our own toilets (or ones in a 7-11). Maybe we puke on the neighbor's azalea bush or piss on the neighbor's miniature water fountain. But this is next-level drunken debauchery, dropping trou on the roof of a car. On the roof, not the hood or trunk. 

I also think it's funny that the police noted he was wearing dark pants and a white t-shirt. Too bad it wasn't a Tom Brady jersey because that's a guy who probably wants to poop on his ex-wife's Ferrari. Or a Wisconsin Badgers Najeh Davenport jersey because that's a guy who did "allegedly" poop in a random girl's dorm room laundry basket (which is not something anyone wants to wake up to).   

I guess there was a simpler time, before surveillance cameras, when you could get away with vandalizing all kinds of random or targeted cars, lawn ornaments, houses, and whatnot, without the worry of police critiquing your wardrobe and all of your friends watching you poop atop a car on social media. When you could say, "No, that wasn't us in your alley tossing eggs at your house," and the issue would be resolved, unless a neighbor saw you and wrote down your license plate number. Also, we all still have Covid masks sitting around somewhere, so remember to add that to your late-night-white-t-shirt-and-dark-pants wardrobe.   

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McNewsy - Creative Writing
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Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

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Grace Lutheran School in Jacksonville

Grace Lutheran School in Jacksonville, Florida is a private, Christian school that offers a comprehensive education to students from Pre-K through 8th grade. With a focus on academic excellence and spiritual growth, Grace Lutheran School provides a nurturing and supportive environment for students to learn and grow.

At Grace Lutheran School, students receive a well-rounded education that includes a strong curriculum in core subjects such as math, science, history, and English, as well as a robust offering of electives, including music, art, physical education, and Spanish. In addition to academic subjects, the school places a strong emphasis on character development, instilling values such as kindness, respect, and responsibility in its students.

One of the hallmarks of Grace Lutheran School is its commitment to small class sizes and individualized attention. With an average class size of just 20 students, teachers are able to provide each student with the personalized attention they need to succeed. This approach allows teachers to identify the unique strengths and weaknesses of each student and tailor their instruction accordingly, helping students to reach their full potential.

The school’s Christian-based curriculum provides students with a strong foundation in faith, helping to guide and shape their moral and ethical values. Through weekly chapel services, Bible studies, and other spiritual activities, students are able to deepen their relationship with God and learn about the role of faith in their daily lives.

Beyond the classroom, Grace Lutheran School offers a range of extracurricular activities and clubs, including sports teams, music programs, and community service opportunities. These programs provide students with a chance to explore their interests, develop new skills, and make lifelong friendships.

In conclusion, Grace Lutheran School in Jacksonville is a wonderful choice for families seeking a private, Christian education for their children. With a commitment to academic excellence, spiritual growth, and individualized attention, the school provides students with the tools they need to succeed both in the classroom and in life. Whether you are a parent looking for a quality education for your child, or a student looking for a supportive and nurturing environment, Grace Lutheran School is an excellent choice for anyone seeking a well-rounded education.

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Thanks for reading. See more of my content:

Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
McNewsy - Creative Writing
Educabana - Educational Resources
Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
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Fletcher High School Theater

Fletcher High School in Jacksonville, Florida, has a thriving theater program that has been delighting audiences for many years. The program offers students the opportunity to learn about all aspects of theater, from acting and stagecraft to lighting and sound design. With a dedicated and passionate staff, students are able to gain valuable skills and experiences that will serve them well both in and out of the theater.

At the heart of the theater program at Fletcher High School is a commitment to excellence. The program’s talented directors and instructors work tirelessly to bring the best out of their students, pushing them to reach new heights and develop their craft. Whether it's through an annual play or musical, a student-led performance, or an intensive theater camp, the program is designed to offer a variety of opportunities for students to showcase their talents.

In addition to performing on stage, students in the theater program at Fletcher High School also have the opportunity to learn about the technical aspects of theater. With access to cutting-edge equipment and technology, students can explore the intricacies of lighting, sound, and set design, gaining valuable skills and knowledge that will serve them well in any theater-related career.

One of the most exciting aspects of the theater program at Fletcher High School is the opportunity for students to showcase their talents on a larger stage. Each year, the program produces an annual play or musical, which is performed in front of a live audience. These productions are a testament to the dedication and hard work of the students, and they provide a platform for them to showcase their talents to a wider audience.

In conclusion, the theater program at Fletcher High School in Jacksonville is a thriving and dynamic program that offers students a unique and rewarding educational experience. With a commitment to excellence and a passion for the art of theater, the program provides students with the skills, knowledge, and experience they need to succeed in their future careers. Whether you are a student, parent, or simply a lover of the theater, the Fletcher High School theater program is an excellent resource for anyone interested in exploring the world of theater.

Upcoming and past shows include:

April 21st and  22nd, 2023- Noises Off

January 13th and 14th, 2023 - Romeo, You Idiot

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Satisfamily - Articles about being happy as a family
Passive Ninja - Web Design in Jacksonville
McNewsy - Creative Writing
Educabana - Educational Resources
Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
Epic Folktale - Stories of the unknown
Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
Educabana on Teachers Pay Teachers (mostly ELA lessons)
Real Wisconsin News - Satire from Wisconsin
Zoo Interchange Milwaukee - Community website
Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

Brian Jaeger - Resume (I'm always interested)

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Why I Asked For A No U-Turn Sign on Kernan

[UPDATE]

I did get a No U-Turn sign put in along Kernan, though a better solution might exist. Basically, even if you know people have a No U-Turn sign, always expect to see one. The good news is that the sign now means a fender-bender will be almost entirely the fault of the person making the illegal U-turn. This is also an example of getting things done to improve traffic safety in Jax. Smart people work for the city, but they don't always know about the intricacies of every intersection, so go ahead and make a suggestion.

I probably won't get a No U-turn sign at the entrance to my neighborhood, but it was worth suggesting. In two years after Kernan was rebuilt, I saw maybe one U-turn at Kernan Forest, but in two months since the Goodwill was built, I've counted about 20. And I don't have a camera set up...just me. If there are several u-turns per day at an intersection not built for them, then something ought to change.

I looked up some dimensions online and found that there's and inner and outer turn radius limit for a U-turn. When the median is very thin, then the inner turn radius is too small, which makes the outer turn radius spill into the second lane. However, with an outer turn radius needing to be at least 24 feet, and our roadway lanes being 11' (sometimes 12' wide), that's why you'll see No U-turn signs at many four lane intersections. For example, McCormick at Monument has a No U-turn sign. And similar to that intersection, I've seen pickups not make the U-turn at Kernan and Kernan Forest. However, right now it's legal to try it on Kernan, and you don't always get an arrow to turn, like on McCormick.

The solution isn't as bad at Kernan Forest as it is at McCormick and Monument, since you could just have traffic enter the neighborhood traffic circle and circle back out, though it might make more sense to create a dedicated u-turn spot in the median between Kernan Forest and Goodwill.

You might be wondering what happens when there's an accident at an intersection where no sign exists yet isn't designed for a U-turn. Well, I've told my family to be very careful exiting the neighborhood, since u-turners with a green arrow or yellow flashing arrow still have the right of way, at least until city engineers finally put the intersection into compliance with code. But it's also a good reminder at every intersection to be aware of the illegal turns you WILL see in Jacksonville, since signs, traffic signals, laws, and basic common sense don't apply at most intersections.

If You Can't Open The Doors at Starbucks, Use the Drive Thru, Old Bag

I'm normally not all that rude to old ladies who expect me to hold the door. In fact, I generally do hold doors for them, particularly if we are both entering a business together. I'm not a male chauvinist or against women's rights; I try to be nice to women. However, I recently messed up at Starbucks by not holding the door for an old lady, and I feel marginally bad about it.

The drive thru had a long line, so I went inside. The old hen in question wasn't entering the coffee shop with me. Rather, she was pecking around on the inside of the store. I realize now she was waiting for me to open the door for her, but since I'm not a regular at Starbucks, I saw a confused old bat fluttering around a table that possibly had some Coffeemate or sugar cubes or napkins. In reality, she was waiting for me to pull the door open and then hold it for her.

Since I didn't realize she was asking for help (and she didn't initially say anything), I walked in. As she left, she gave me a dramatic "Thank you!" and I knew I'd missed my chance to help someone out. That part makes me feel a little bad. However, and this is important: if she was getting too much to handle, why didn't she use the drive thru? 

Honestly, no matter how old you are or how much of a lady you think you are, if you decide to go inside a restaurant when there is an available drive thru option, then you're telling the world that you're capable of managing. I don't care if the car line is long and you have an expired wheelchair sticker on your rear-view mirror.

Besides, all she had to do was push the doors open with two drinks, something I did a couple minutes later. I live with a torn ACL and remnant of RA (perhaps punishment for being rude to old ladies), and I can manage pushing open a couple of doors. If I'd seen her struggling to open the doors initially, I would have helped, but she just waited there like she was waiting for the Grim Reaper, and it's hard to assume people want or need help. Also, it's freakin Starbucks, home of liberalism gone woke, and there isn't some kind of wheelchair accessible automatic door? To me, it's Starbucks that didn't hold the door for the old lady, but Starbucks probably would suggest she use the drive thru.

Support the Arts in Jacksonville: Go See a Play

Sure, you can watch the family-friendly stuff at the Alhambra Theater or venture into downtown for a highbrow experience. And you should. However, for my money, I've always enjoyed high school plays. And since the actual money is $6 and free parking, it's worth every penny compared to Alhambra's $70 plus drinks and tip or $50 plus parking for a downtown experience.  If you're looking for live entertainment on a budget, check out a local high school play. 

The preceding link is to the Fletcher High School GoFan Performing Arts site, but you can probably find a list of local schools and their plays. I know the performing arts school got into some hot water recently with its choice of a play dealing with sexuality, but you're mostly going to get the same fodder at local high schools as the big theaters, meaning stuff you've seen before or based on something you've seen before.

Not all of the performances at local high schools will be stellar. You need a big cast, it's not as popular as football, and performing in front of people isn't everyone's cup of tea. But these kids really do deserve a real budget, a dedicated director, and an audience. If you think you support the schools by paying property taxes and attending the alumni football game, then you are losing out on an opportunity to support kids with real-world skills.

My kid will be in all of Fletcher's productions from 2023 until 2026 because he has fun acting. Even if your kids aren't in high school, however, seeing a high school play is a good way to see some local talent before they get too talented. Scroll down for the list of dates for Fletcher High School productions. 

The plays I saw as an educator in Wisconsin seemed to have a much larger budget (and audience)  than those I've seen in Jacksonville. While this doesn't affect the acting (exactly), it does affect how the students see themselves as actors. It's hard to feel like you're a real star when you perform one or two shows over a single weekend that are less than half full, on top of having to buy any costumes yourself (and not everyone bothers). I remember seeing a production of Miss Saigon at Pius High School in Milwaukee that had a full-sized helicopter on stage, and Tosa West's production of Showboat must have had 50 dancers on stage for several numbers. And many of the suburban schools had auditoriums named after people who probably donated heavily to the theater. We don't have less total wealth than in Milwaukee metro (higher per capita income), so it's more of a values/priorities situation, and I'm hoping that can change. 

April 21st and 22nd, 2023- Noises Off

January 13th and 14th, 2023 - Romeo, You Idiot

What happens to those stars who are no longer stars? Not this.

Jacksonville Vehicle Pet Peeves: Lights

I do a lot of driving at night, so I'm kind of an authority as to the lackluster vehicular lighting on Jacksonville roads. Whether other drivers have too many lights or too few, it's an annoyance that can sometimes be a safety concern.

Dim-Witted

The most obvious lack of lighting in Jax seems to be none at all. This is mostly from people not using the most obvious safety feature in existence -- the Auto setting for lights. It's also possible that complicated LED lighting has caused more failures than in the past-- I believe this to be the case for some of the taillight issues. Or just drunk people. The net result is a lot of people seem to have missing lights, particularly tail lights. Sometimes tinted lights or license plates render actual lights ineffective, but it's mostly lights burned out, fuses blown, or lights turned off. Maybe some people just like to drive with parking lights on, too. Please, just set your lights to Auto and forget about them. Also, try hooking up your trailers so that the wiring works.

Too Bright

Some people drive around with their brights on, but that's not really the biggest problem in my opinion. It seems a lot of lights, especially on big, stupid pickups, are aimed wrong. If you lift your whole truck or just the front, you really need to aim your lights lower. People will spend $10,000 to lift their pickups and then skimp on the simple adjustment that would make the vehicle legal to drive (and avoid blinding other drivers). Florida law says your lights can be up to 54 inches off the ground, but you also need to aim the light lower than that at 25 feet against a wall. If your truck is lifted only in the front and you don't re-aim your lights, they are blinding and fairly useless.

Too Many

I'm not talking about the Hyundai Tucson and all its weird little lights, since those are just stupid looking and not a hazard. I'm referring to the aftermarket fog light strips (sometimes multiple) or even the use of fog lights in the hopes of looking cool. I've also seen add-on brake lights or light-up car-model-script tail lights. Some diy folks will slap stick-on red led strips on the bumper for reasons. It's really best to leave the lighting alone unless you need to replace a bulb because more lights are way less important than working lights.

The Circus

Back when I was in high school, the kids started lighting up the area below their cars with neon lights. I even knew a guy who made a pretty good living off the trend for about a year, or the amount of time it took local police officers to pull the cars over. Like high-waisted jeans, the unlikely trend is back, in the form of LED lights that last about 3000 times as long as neon. They can change color, flash like Christmas lights, and generally turn any respectable vehicle into a clown car. Still, consumers love these lights, and they'll light up every nook and cranny of the car with the marvels. A slight glow to show off your big rims and expensive suspension doesn't bother me, but bright, flashing lights shooting off in all directions is a road hazard. If your vehicle isn't a spaceship, it's white and amber lights in front with red and amber lights in back (with white backup lights). When you add color-changing headlight surrounds in red, that's illegal because you have the wrong color in the front. As a driver, I am also distracted by red and blue lights that seem like police lights or any flashing lights. I'd also mention that flashing brake lights is a dumb trend as you don't need them, and they are especially annoying in rush-hour traffic. 

My recommendation is that you leave your car lighting alone and use your talents to add majestic lighting to rooms inside your house. LED toilet seats, backlighting around the television, and lighting above and below kitchen cabinets are pretty cool. You can even slap your Instagram sticker on the wall in whatever room you upgrade so everyone who is enchanted by your skillz can follow you.

Local Dating Scene: Mostly Mistakes by Men

I recently asked a local woman about dating after divorce, since both my wife and I agree it would be quite difficult (not that we're interested in finding out). Still, I was interested to discover what this woman (who told me her divorce made her very happy) thought about the dating scene. Her stories seem to prove men continue to make the same mistakes all their lives when it comes to dating. It's funny and sad, but the saddest part is that I only got to hear a handful of examples, even though she claimed to have many more. Anyhow, in case you're wondering what it's like to date after a divorce in Jacksonville (likely Anywhere, USA), here are some reasons to stay married. We'll call the woman I met Lucy because 50 First Dates.

The Movie Closeup Featuring Mr. McTexty

Instead of dinner and a movie, this guy decides to just catch a film together. Lucy and Mr. McTexty sit next to each other in the empty theater. He decides to hold her hand, and she's cool with that. However, at some point early in the film, she senses that his face is right next to hers. Lucy figures the guy is hoping she'll turn to him for a kiss, but she's only just met the guy  and doesn't want to go there. The crazy part is that Mr. McTexty doesn't get the hint, and he keeps his face right there waiting for the next hour. Lucy feels uncomfortable for the duration of the movie, but even after getting shot down like a bogey in Top Gun, Mr. McTexty decides the date went so well that he texts Lucy continuously for the next several days, telling her he had such a great time and wanted another date. Maybe he was planning on sitting on the other side of her at a different movie. Or right next to her in a booth at a darkly-lit restaurant.

My reaction to Lucy's story was to tell her about Dave from back in high school. He was super-flirty and silly around girls, and most of them made fun of him, but the technique only has to work once. Or once in a while. So I was generally dateless back then yet Dave was outkicking his coverage with all kinds of lady friends. If Mr. McTexty has a 10% success rate in empty theaters with women he couldn't possibly land with a real date, he's probably doing just fine. Even if he creeps out the other 90%.

The Spanxman

Lucy had gone on a few dates with Spanxman when she goes over to his place. At some point, she removes her Spanx. I was not told if this was an entire body suit or high-waisted shorts, but it's basically a tight-fitting, modern girdle that women who return to the dating scene use to recapture their college bodies in cute outfits but are probably removed well before any happy-action-fun-time begins. Since Spanx doesn't sell a discreet carrying case, Lucy leaves hers somewhere at Spanxman's place. When he talks to her to let her know he has her undergarments, he also reveals he's been enjoying smelling them because they smell like her (obviously). Once again, Lucy is creeped out and another guy who thinks he's being sexy gets shot down.

Not to defend the Spanx Sniffer, but I did mention to Lucy the Ed Sheeran song where he sniffs his bedsheets that smell like his special lady. I get Lucy's point, however, because I have compression shorts for baseball that make me all sweaty. Even after a really good game, I would never toss them at my wife and encouraged her to sniff away. Also, it's a lot like panty sniffing. Also, he probably tried them on. And lastly, because I know you were wondering, Spanx sells products for men that enhance your "pecs."

The Business Witch

Lucy started dating a guy (we'll call him Darrin) who she described as too nice in the dating scene. Before he found Lucy, he went out with a business witch but didn't break it off because he didn't want to judge. Or because being a witch fits into that category of girl you've kind of thought about but never would ask out, like women with full-body tattoos or who are professional weightlifters. Anyhow, this woman wasn't really a total witch--she just uses witchcraft to try to make her business perform better. I guess religious people pray to God for business success, but if you don't believe in God, your options are limited. I told Lucy she should be concerned the business witch might have a Voodoo Doll of her boyfriend, but after saying it, I wasn't sure if mainstream witches in America use that type of magic. I was intrigued by how magic or witchcraft works in making business better, like if you cast spells on clients or use magical scents in your store to make people buy stuff. Or maybe a hex on your competition.

OK, this one's a stretch to say it's in any way Darrin's fault for not dumping the business witch because he was too nice. However, as a guy, I don't buy that he was too nice. Whether she's a hot witch, a hot Russian spy, a hot Christian blogger, a hot married woman, or a hot illegal immigrant, most guys are going to hold onto the hot, crazy woman until something better comes along for fear of being all alone and shriveled up, like a dried toad used in a potion.

The Married Booty Call Co-worker

Lucy talked about a co-worker who used the employee texting system to contact her at 10 pm. He asked if it mattered to her that he was married. It did, so he stopped texting, but she did say that he'd hooked up with another co-worker earlier in the year. This proves my earlier point that your game only has to work some of the time. Obviously, a certain percentage of single ladies at work must not mind that you're married. Or, he felt a little guilty after the first co-worker and decided he'd lead with the whole marriage angle, but then he's learned his lesson and will most certainly not ask next time. Lucy also figures she's dated several married men from the dating app (never on purpose). All this leads to the relationship rule that Booty Call Co-worker and Spanxman broke: Avoid being honest. I have a friend who would also add that when you get caught, deny everything. Maybe it sounds like what politicians do, but remember that they win elections that way. I've never been able to be dishonest myself, but I can look back now and say I would have had many more dates in high school and college using dishonesty as my starting point.

The Ex-machinegunna

Lucy briefly mentioned the ex, saying that he did the "typical" driving up and down her block with his guns in the front seat of his car. And that he's already remarried. I bet he wasn't honest with his new bride when discussing Lucy, at least about how he tracked her every purchase and yelled at her for buying name-brand soda. And the guns in the front seat thing. I also assume Lucy knew better than to tell her potential new boyfriends that her ex might be driving by the house during their dates, unless she saw it as a test of their pecs.

Til Death Do Us Part

Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife tossed out my Big Dog Milwaukee Bucks jersey, and I nearly lost it. For her, cleaning means throwing things away, while for me, it's more about finding a place for the things to be stored out of her sight. I was angry, but I wasn't going to leave or toss my compression shorts at her. She'd have to throw all of my stuff away and sign us up for a line dancing class for me to really fly off the handle. Mostly because I love her, but also because I can be relatively  honest with her and avoid awkward first dates with women whose exes may be hiding in bushes with assault rifles. 

I also want to reassure Mr. McTexty and Spanxman that there are women for you out there. Just try a little less honesty, whether you think she's the one or just the one for now. Even if she's a witch.