What Does it Mean to Get San Pabloed or Hodged in Jacksonville?

The other day, I got San Pabloed. I've also been Hodged plenty of times. You can get San Pabloed or Hodged at San Pablo or Hodges, but the general principal likely exists in other places around Jacksonville as roads reach capacity. Getting San Pabloed or Hodged is what I call it when you get stuck while traveling in the right or left lane of Atlantic or Beach (east or west) because the turn lanes to San Pablo or Hodges have reached capacity. This usually occurs during the afternoon rush hours. It might be because two elementary schools brilliantly sit across from one another on San Pablo or because hundreds of middle managers are getting home to let the dogs out after work. 

My usual method is to stay in the middle lane on Atlantic or Beach. The empty bus can kill you in the right lane, and the left and right turn lanes fill up and back up into traffic. A lot. In true Jacksonville style, I'm sure the answer will be to widen the roads, add longer turn lanes, and hope for the best. But that's still several years off. Maybe a few more inverted scissors intersections to mess with tourists.

So it's not going away. You will get San Pabloed or Hodged at some point in Jax. It's not as bad as getting Blandinged (which is just not going anywhere in any direction with 14 lanes), but it still sucks.

What Happened to the Dames Point Bridge Lights?

I was excited when I heard that the Dames Point Bridge would benefit from some lighting at night. I figured it would look cool. 

When the lights first came on, I was a little disappointed because it seemed that the lights could have been designed better or that a percentage of the lighting was still off. In fact, I think some nights the lights were only half on. 

Then, after about a month, I thought the lights appeared to be pretty good: you could see it from all directions, at least. Or maybe I just got used to the semi-lit look. Anyhow, the Dames Point Bridge was lit, and it looked good. Good enough. 

Then, after a couple of months of hearing positive comments about the pretty bridge, I noticed that the Dames Point was only half lit. One side only. Bridges don't look cool only half-lit, but we seemed to try it for a couple of weeks. 

Eventually, however, the lights went off completely, and that's around the time of me writing about them. I haven't done the research as to why the lights went off. It doesn't really matter. I can tell you that tourists liked them when they were on, but I can't confirm those tourists spent any more money in the region or bothered to go downtown. 

In the end, the lighting of the Dames Point Bridge may end up being a metaphor for Jacksonville: lots of potential, slow to get going, great for a while, sputtering, and then failure. As an outsider who has become an insider, I'd say that maintaining some attention to detail would be a positive improvement for a city that does not need to continually sputter and fail. Let's light the bridge and keep it lit. Let's start some projects and finish them. And then maintain what we finish. People notice. 

[UPDATE]

A few days after I published this article, the lights came back on the Dames Point. However, several of the lights seemed to be out, while others were continuously flashing. Maybe we need to get an electrician on the bridge to see if the connections are good. If the light bulbs are flashing because they're going bad after a few months, that's going to be a long-term problem with whatever bulbs were purchased, and the bridge will look half-ass for years to come.

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I'm Gonna be a Homeschool Millionaire!

Florida is about to pass a voucher school bill that lets responsible parents like myself decide what's best for my kids. Because I know. And I also know that I can get $8,000 for each one of those little bastards I keep home to educate. 

So let's see, four kids, fourteen years each...$448,000. Half a million, anyhow. I'll just set them right down in front of Fox News and they'll know all they need to know. Maybe some 700 Club for a little religion and Newsmax for some unbiased hard news. I can still work my other jobs as long as someone's home to make sure the kids are using some learning apps on their phones. 

Since it's about mind and body, weekly fishing and shooting field trips will be necessary, as well as recess at the local park for as long as it takes to tire them out. 

I guess it probably makes sense to get some book-learning curriculum, too, and since that only costs about $500 per year per kid, we'll still have plenty left over to put a down payment on my new RAM pickup.  

Actually, it probably makes sense to find four other families at church that also want to homeschool so that I only have to watch kids once a week. Yep, I'll be a pretty good teacher, for sure, and I know what's best for my kids. 

Amelia Concours d'Elegance, AKA And Another Porsche

To be fair, I didn't actually attend The Amelia, also called the Amelia Concours d'Elegance. So I'm not sure which vehicles are represented at the event. Someday, I'll check it out. I just wanted to take my 86 Bertone X 1/9 for a leisurely drive around Amelia Island while the concours was happening so that I could see some of the locals doing the same. Cruising, I guess. I figured I'd see all kinds of vehicles like mine: MGs, Triumphs, TVRs, Lotuses, Alfas, Ferraris. MR2s and Fieros wanting to be X 1/9s. Miatas wanting to be 124s. At least one Viper. Grand Nationals, Chevelles, Camaros and Mustangs. Of course, plenty of Corvettes. Some Teslas and Maseratis, too. However, I mostly saw Porsches.

I like Porsches, so I wasn't as disappointed as I was surprised. After I saw my first half-dozen German sports cars, I stopped looking too closely at them, just offering my event catch phrase, "And another Porsche."

I did see my fair share of Corvettes, so some of the coolest grandpas from several retirement communities were checking out the concours. I saw one MG, one Alpha Romeo Spyder, one legit American muscle car, maybe three Ferraris, etc. It was fun to see these cars, so I'm glad I ventured out. Perhaps Saturday is the big day to bring your own ride that might need an emergency tow, whereas Sunday is the day to bring the family in a Blah-serati SUV. But of the folks that did show up with sports cars, a majority of them drove Porsches. I guess Sunday could have been some kind of Porsche owners club event. 

I estimate that I saw about double the number of Porsches as Corvettes. Probably 25 Corvettes and 50 Porsches. Granted, a Corvette is a model while Porsche is a make, with such offerings as the 911, Cayman, and Boxster. I saw mostly 911s, though I did see a vintage 928 parked along A1A. I wish I'd seen at least one other Fiat, though I did get thumbs up from at least one Porsche driver and one Corvette passenger (whose grandpa probably used to have a Fiat).

I guess I'm wondering if the Porsche phenomenon is local to northeast Florida or attendees of fancy auto shows. Plenty of Navy guys in Jax own Mustangs, Camaros, and Chargers, but those guys are more likely to attend auto shows in local strip mall parking lots than at the Ritz-Carlton. Also, the categories for show cars include the "Porsche 959," "Porsche 2.7 Carrera," "Porsche Fiberglass Racing Spyders," etc. Lots of Porsche categories probably means lots of Porsche fans.

I was on the X 1/9 forum recently and saw that there are roughly 1,000 registered and licensed Xs in the US (about 100 from 1986), and one argument was that if you don't pay premium prices for collector cars, you don't keep them up and expect premium sales prices later. I know Corvettes are seen as investments, and I bet all those Porsche owners probably feel the same way. For me, it's enough to invest in a yearly-ish oil change and hope the car keeps running. However, I did have to replace the fuel filter after I nearly stalled taking on the Dames Point Bridge (I luckily had an extra filter in my pre-bought parts box).

Anyhow, back to Porsches. They cost about $1,000 a year to maintain. Corvettes are around $700. My budget is maybe $200, which I've tried to stick to since my marriage 20 years ago. I used to take it to a real Italian dealership in Milwaukee (Reina) where it got pricey love. If 911 and Corvette owners believe it makes sense to spend 4 to 5 times my budget for keeping their cars from falling apart, that probably explains the numbers of those vehicles on the road. Maybe someday I'll own a Porsche along with my Fiat.

Even Newt Gingrich Says I Can Talk About Ron DeSantis

While some of my fellow Floridians might think the Second Amendment is the most important, it's really the First Amendment. Free speech. It allows you to say how important the other amendments are to you. While we have some limits to free speech/writing when it comes to defamation or libel, we Americans generally have the right to say what we believe, especially about public figures. If Ron DeSantis signs a bill saying bloggers will need to register with the government in order to discuss him, he'll be assaulting free speech in a way that will make his assault on state education look like light petting.

I understand the idea behind saying that some paid bloggers are really lobbyists. Some bloggers are probably paid lots of money by political parties in order to promote or denounce policies and politicians. It's probably frustrating that these folks hide behind the First Amendment the same way mass shooters hide behind the Second Amendment. Jason Brodeur, who would also be off-limits for bloggers who don't register with the FLestapo, has proposed a bill that would fine anyone who has gotten paid or will get paid for a blog post about DeSantis or any of his pets in office. Not journalists, supposedly. But then again, with DeSantis's view mainstream media being partisan, isn't everyone from USA Today to the Miami Herald just writing for blogs nowadays? And what about editorial opinions from newspapers?

I realize I'm not the target here. No one "pays" me to write my posts. I might make a little money from ads on my website. In general, however, if I wanted to start a blog, like desanctimonious.com and write hard news, fake news, satire, or even poetry about Ron Desantis (while getting paid by Donald Trump or George Soros), it's actually OK for me to do that. In Russia, I might go to jail, but even though we also border Georgia, this ain't Russia. Yet. 

Most of this stuff, I don't really care about. We've got property appraisers and school board members getting Desantis backing.  Disney taking it up the Astro Orbiter. Or AP taking it lying down. College professors, teachers, and students being told what to teach and learn. Unions getting busted (except police). Ex-cons who were told to vote by the state being sent to jail for voting and politicians who question RD's buddies in The Villages being sent to jail on trumped-up Sunshine law charges. And you can't have a meeting at the Capitol without a sponsor. Or a peaceful protest. But we sure as shootin can all carry concealed weapons, especially those in the new Florida secret police force. We even have guards at library voting stations. And what will we ever know about Kent Stermon or how Mike Williams kept his retirement or which donors have which construction/road project? Or why millions of our dollars are being used in Texas to send illegal immigrants north.

Ron Desantis, whose name I can say, is a one-trick pony who happened to open Florida up at the right time, and that might have warranted him a second term as governor. But he really seems to be an icky person who is trying to create new world order in Florida that limits more rights than it offers, all while hoping to control who can even write about him or talk about him.

If you're not a racist truck driver/housing developer, you can probably agree that Ron Desantis has taken taken things too far in at least a half-dozen ways. But there's no state legislature or state supreme court to check him, so we're kind of stuck with whatever plans he cooks up in his lair. I've lived in states with Republicans and Democrats as governor, and normally I agree with some policies and disagree with some policies. With Captain Ron, I agree with some, disagree with some, but for a vast majority, I am kind of in disbelief. I suppose his supporters would say I was indoctrinated as woke for too many years, but that's just not true. I don't agree with paying reparations and trans stuff makes me uncomfortable. I don't like illegal immigration or illegal voting. But I do believe that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I also believe that those who feel bullied become the worst bullies. Ron Desantis plays off the fear we all have of being bullied. Real or perceived, and from one perspective. You can look through history to find other leaders who led with that fear. Sure, our Founding Fathers might fit the description, but they also established our Bill of Rights that included free speech. It's the other leaders throughout history who tried to suppress rights that worry me. And those are the leaders that worried those who created our country.

FDOT Says We're Good in Northeast Florida

I was excited to see which project(s) might get fast-tracked in Northeast Florida with the state pumping $7 billion into solving congestion over the next four years. I read that some of these 20 major projects were supposed to take 20 years to finish, but an infusion of billions of dollars would cut that to four. So we're saved from traffic issues at last. Hooray!

Would we be getting that First Coast Expressway with a new bridge over the St. Johns River, an I-10 bypass of downtown/Arlington that isn't stupid, safe downtown I-95 ramps? Nope. Maybe a fix for the mess St. Johns County is creating for itself with constant building without planning? Nope. Fixing Blanding in Clay? Nope. Anything? Nope.

That's right, Florida's largest city and one of its fastest growing metro areas received none of the super-important traffic abatement cash. Sorry, neighbors.

Orlando to Tampa: five projects. Tampa to Ft Myers: six projects. One each in Miami, Tallahassee, Pensacola, Ft Lauderdale, and Panama City. I guess there's an I-95 project down in Volusia County, so traveling away from Jax might get easier, and I suppose that might be important. Duval County itself doesn't have the worst commute times (yet), and St. Johns County is about average for Florida, but Clay and Nassau Counties do have extra-long commutes, though that could just be bad decisions of where people live versus where they work. Anyhow, the whole region is growing faster than just about anywhere else on earth, so I assume we'll have plenty of road projects available in the next few years. Just not now.

What Does it Mean to Call Someone a Jackboy?

Maybe this is another local term, like pounding sand or the Devil beating his wife, but I was reading about a young Jacksonville man killed by another when a commenter called one of the two a jackboy. I don't really remember now which (victim or perp), but I'm also not sure it matters. Here's the definition of a jackboy that I found: 

a boy (as a stableboy) who does menial work

I think both of the youn men in the article had been in trouble with the law. Or at least they both could have been in trouble, being young and in the wrong neighborhood. But to call them jackboys seemed like a localism I'd never heard elsewhere. Granted, parts of Jacksonville do have horse stables, but I assume when one uses the term for someone involved in a crime, it has nothing to do with the horse-stabling class.

I'm going to assume the term jackboy is akin to low-life or working-class-grunt. I didn't find any evidence it's a racist term, but I suppose it's ageist and classist. Maybe like a deckhand or hired-man on a farm, but I'm still not positive how it applies to a crime scenario.

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Sometimes, It's Not The Neighbor's Cat That Scratches Your Car and Poops on the Roof

In a news story from the Friendliest Hometown in America, I learned that if your car has scratches on it and poop on the roof, you better check surveillance video. While you might suspect the neighbor's large outdoor cat, it's also possible it's some cat you know from work:

Hoopfer identified the man as Powell, “who he recognized from work.” It appeared the damage had taken place at about 10:30 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday. When questioned by police, Hoopfer theorized that Powell might have been provoked to commit the vandalism “over a girl.”

Under closer inspection of the home security video, the officer noted the man was wearing a white T-shirt and dark pants. The man kicked the driver’s side mirror and scratched the doors before climbing onto the roof of the vehicle, dropping his pants and defecating. After he jumped back to the ground, he again scratched the driver’s side of the vehicle. The officer noted that the man captured on surveillance had a towering presence and that Powell’s driver license information indicated he stands 6 feet, 5 inches tall.

Can you imagine that one? Instead of a large house cat or panther or even crazed alligator, it was a 6' 5"' human scratching and pooping on a car. That must be some girl the two guys are competing for. I suppose she should feel special, unlike the poor car. I'd like to tell the tall pooper dude to just move on and find a new girl in town, but I think the better advice is to move far away, maybe to somewhere that doesn't have internet service (Green Bank, West Virginia), since I'm sure someone has this surveillance video all set to go viral. 

I'm sure most of us have gotten drunk at a Super Bowl party, after having also eaten too much. Most of us poop on or near our own toilets (or ones in a 7-11). Maybe we puke on the neighbor's azalea bush or piss on the neighbor's miniature water fountain. But this is next-level drunken debauchery, dropping trou on the roof of a car. On the roof, not the hood or trunk. 

I also think it's funny that the police noted he was wearing dark pants and a white t-shirt. Too bad it wasn't a Tom Brady jersey because that's a guy who probably wants to poop on his ex-wife's Ferrari. Or a Wisconsin Badgers Najeh Davenport jersey because that's a guy who did "allegedly" poop in a random girl's dorm room laundry basket (which is not something anyone wants to wake up to).   

I guess there was a simpler time, before surveillance cameras, when you could get away with vandalizing all kinds of random or targeted cars, lawn ornaments, houses, and whatnot, without the worry of police critiquing your wardrobe and all of your friends watching you poop atop a car on social media. When you could say, "No, that wasn't us in your alley tossing eggs at your house," and the issue would be resolved, unless a neighbor saw you and wrote down your license plate number. Also, we all still have Covid masks sitting around somewhere, so remember to add that to your late-night-white-t-shirt-and-dark-pants wardrobe.   

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Grace Lutheran School in Jacksonville

Grace Lutheran School in Jacksonville, Florida is a private, Christian school that offers a comprehensive education to students from Pre-K through 8th grade. With a focus on academic excellence and spiritual growth, Grace Lutheran School provides a nurturing and supportive environment for students to learn and grow.

At Grace Lutheran School, students receive a well-rounded education that includes a strong curriculum in core subjects such as math, science, history, and English, as well as a robust offering of electives, including music, art, physical education, and Spanish. In addition to academic subjects, the school places a strong emphasis on character development, instilling values such as kindness, respect, and responsibility in its students.

One of the hallmarks of Grace Lutheran School is its commitment to small class sizes and individualized attention. With an average class size of just 20 students, teachers are able to provide each student with the personalized attention they need to succeed. This approach allows teachers to identify the unique strengths and weaknesses of each student and tailor their instruction accordingly, helping students to reach their full potential.

The school’s Christian-based curriculum provides students with a strong foundation in faith, helping to guide and shape their moral and ethical values. Through weekly chapel services, Bible studies, and other spiritual activities, students are able to deepen their relationship with God and learn about the role of faith in their daily lives.

Beyond the classroom, Grace Lutheran School offers a range of extracurricular activities and clubs, including sports teams, music programs, and community service opportunities. These programs provide students with a chance to explore their interests, develop new skills, and make lifelong friendships.

In conclusion, Grace Lutheran School in Jacksonville is a wonderful choice for families seeking a private, Christian education for their children. With a commitment to academic excellence, spiritual growth, and individualized attention, the school provides students with the tools they need to succeed both in the classroom and in life. Whether you are a parent looking for a quality education for your child, or a student looking for a supportive and nurturing environment, Grace Lutheran School is an excellent choice for anyone seeking a well-rounded education.

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Fletcher High School Theater

Fletcher High School in Jacksonville, Florida, has a thriving theater program that has been delighting audiences for many years. The program offers students the opportunity to learn about all aspects of theater, from acting and stagecraft to lighting and sound design. With a dedicated and passionate staff, students are able to gain valuable skills and experiences that will serve them well both in and out of the theater.

At the heart of the theater program at Fletcher High School is a commitment to excellence. The program’s talented directors and instructors work tirelessly to bring the best out of their students, pushing them to reach new heights and develop their craft. Whether it's through an annual play or musical, a student-led performance, or an intensive theater camp, the program is designed to offer a variety of opportunities for students to showcase their talents.

In addition to performing on stage, students in the theater program at Fletcher High School also have the opportunity to learn about the technical aspects of theater. With access to cutting-edge equipment and technology, students can explore the intricacies of lighting, sound, and set design, gaining valuable skills and knowledge that will serve them well in any theater-related career.

One of the most exciting aspects of the theater program at Fletcher High School is the opportunity for students to showcase their talents on a larger stage. Each year, the program produces an annual play or musical, which is performed in front of a live audience. These productions are a testament to the dedication and hard work of the students, and they provide a platform for them to showcase their talents to a wider audience.

In conclusion, the theater program at Fletcher High School in Jacksonville is a thriving and dynamic program that offers students a unique and rewarding educational experience. With a commitment to excellence and a passion for the art of theater, the program provides students with the skills, knowledge, and experience they need to succeed in their future careers. Whether you are a student, parent, or simply a lover of the theater, the Fletcher High School theater program is an excellent resource for anyone interested in exploring the world of theater.

Upcoming and past shows include:

April 25th and 26th, 2025

Blithe Spirit

January 17th and 18th, 2025

Almost, Maine

April 19th and 20th, 2024

House of Blue Leaves

April 6th and 7th, 2024

Barefoot in the Park

January 19th and 20th, 2024

Rumours

October 20 and 21, 2023

Twelve Angry Jurors 

You may also know this play as Twelve Angry Men

April 21st and  22nd, 2023- Noises Off

January 13th and 14th, 2023 - Romeo, You Idiot

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Why I Asked For A No U-Turn Sign on Kernan

[UPDATE]

I did get a No U-Turn sign put in along Kernan, though a better solution might exist. Basically, even if you know people have a No U-Turn sign, always expect to see one. The good news is that the sign now means a fender-bender will be almost entirely the fault of the person making the illegal U-turn. This is also an example of getting things done to improve traffic safety in Jax. Smart people work for the city, but they don't always know about the intricacies of every intersection, so go ahead and make a suggestion.

I probably won't get a No U-turn sign at the entrance to my neighborhood, but it was worth suggesting. In two years after Kernan was rebuilt, I saw maybe one U-turn at Kernan Forest, but in two months since the Goodwill was built, I've counted about 20. And I don't have a camera set up...just me. If there are several u-turns per day at an intersection not built for them, then something ought to change.

I looked up some dimensions online and found that there's and inner and outer turn radius limit for a U-turn. When the median is very thin, then the inner turn radius is too small, which makes the outer turn radius spill into the second lane. However, with an outer turn radius needing to be at least 24 feet, and our roadway lanes being 11' (sometimes 12' wide), that's why you'll see No U-turn signs at many four lane intersections. For example, McCormick at Monument has a No U-turn sign. And similar to that intersection, I've seen pickups not make the U-turn at Kernan and Kernan Forest. However, right now it's legal to try it on Kernan, and you don't always get an arrow to turn, like on McCormick.

The solution isn't as bad at Kernan Forest as it is at McCormick and Monument, since you could just have traffic enter the neighborhood traffic circle and circle back out, though it might make more sense to create a dedicated u-turn spot in the median between Kernan Forest and Goodwill.

You might be wondering what happens when there's an accident at an intersection where no sign exists yet isn't designed for a U-turn. Well, I've told my family to be very careful exiting the neighborhood, since u-turners with a green arrow or yellow flashing arrow still have the right of way, at least until city engineers finally put the intersection into compliance with code. But it's also a good reminder at every intersection to be aware of the illegal turns you WILL see in Jacksonville, since signs, traffic signals, laws, and basic common sense don't apply at most intersections.

If You Can't Open The Doors at Starbucks, Use the Drive Thru, Old Bag

I'm normally not all that rude to old ladies who expect me to hold the door. In fact, I generally do hold doors for them, particularly if we are both entering a business together. I'm not a male chauvinist or against women's rights; I try to be nice to women. However, I recently messed up at Starbucks by not holding the door for an old lady, and I feel marginally bad about it.

The drive thru had a long line, so I went inside. The old hen in question wasn't entering the coffee shop with me. Rather, she was pecking around on the inside of the store. I realize now she was waiting for me to open the door for her, but since I'm not a regular at Starbucks, I saw a confused old bat fluttering around a table that possibly had some Coffeemate or sugar cubes or napkins. In reality, she was waiting for me to pull the door open and then hold it for her.

Since I didn't realize she was asking for help (and she didn't initially say anything), I walked in. As she left, she gave me a dramatic "Thank you!" and I knew I'd missed my chance to help someone out. That part makes me feel a little bad. However, and this is important: if she was getting too much to handle, why didn't she use the drive thru? 

Honestly, no matter how old you are or how much of a lady you think you are, if you decide to go inside a restaurant when there is an available drive thru option, then you're telling the world that you're capable of managing. I don't care if the car line is long and you have an expired wheelchair sticker on your rear-view mirror.

Besides, all she had to do was push the doors open with two drinks, something I did a couple minutes later. I live with a torn ACL and remnant of RA (perhaps punishment for being rude to old ladies), and I can manage pushing open a couple of doors. If I'd seen her struggling to open the doors initially, I would have helped, but she just waited there like she was waiting for the Grim Reaper, and it's hard to assume people want or need help. Also, it's freakin Starbucks, home of liberalism gone woke, and there isn't some kind of wheelchair accessible automatic door? To me, it's Starbucks that didn't hold the door for the old lady, but Starbucks probably would suggest she use the drive thru.

Doors Open Historic Jacksonville?

I got a news feed article about Doors Open Milwaukee. 120 historic buildings and museums opened their doors (at least to some extent) so that residents could learn more about the city. Maybe buy memberships, tickets, t-shirts, etc. I'm not sure if Jacksonville has a similar weekend, but it's worth considering for our city leaders.

The idea is that big cities like Milwaukee and Jacksonville have historic buildings, whether they are museums, bars, factories, or private residences. Making a list of the buildings of interest and then asking the owners to open them up to the public seems like a good idea. Of course, we're not talking totally open free-for-all, especially the homes. I'd imagine seeing the foyer and dining room or living space would suffice. Maybe just the garden. And it's not like the public needs factory tours, but I'm sure there are old-timey entries and offices out there. Basically, if you own an old home or building and want to show it off in order to just show off or drum up some business, opening your doors to the public isn't such a bad idea.

I know, it's Florida. We're all worried about someone casing the joint to steal stuff later. But with small admission fees and a bit of owner diligence, I don't think opening doors will result in mass burglaries. Granted, this is the city that saw folks stealing saved items from in front of burning homes during the 1901 fire, so we do have a history of of the have-nots taking when it's there for the taking. Anyhow, let's at least try to pretend there's a circle of trust amongst people interested in history and culture. By all means, hide the silver and Faberge eggs, but trust us to not steal the area rug from under the dining room table.

I hope Jacksonville's historical society looks into some kind of open doors event for the city as it grows with mostly new Floridians who likely have some interest in the history of their new town.

Jacksonville Vehicle Pet Peeves: Lights

I do a lot of driving at night, so I'm kind of an authority as to the lackluster vehicular lighting on Jacksonville roads. Whether other drivers have too many lights or too few, it's an annoyance that can sometimes be a safety concern.

Dim-Witted

The most obvious lack of lighting in Jax seems to be none at all. This is mostly from people not using the most obvious safety feature in existence -- the Auto setting for lights. It's also possible that complicated LED lighting has caused more failures than in the past-- I believe this to be the case for some of the taillight issues. Or just drunk people. The net result is a lot of people seem to have missing lights, particularly tail lights. Sometimes tinted lights or license plates render actual lights ineffective, but it's mostly lights burned out, fuses blown, or lights turned off. Maybe some people just like to drive with parking lights on, too. Please, just set your lights to Auto and forget about them. Also, try hooking up your trailers so that the wiring works.

Too Bright

Some people drive around with their brights on, but that's not really the biggest problem in my opinion. It seems a lot of lights, especially on big, stupid pickups, are aimed wrong. If you lift your whole truck or just the front, you really need to aim your lights lower. People will spend $10,000 to lift their pickups and then skimp on the simple adjustment that would make the vehicle legal to drive (and avoid blinding other drivers). Florida law says your lights can be up to 54 inches off the ground, but you also need to aim the light lower than that at 25 feet against a wall. If your truck is lifted only in the front and you don't re-aim your lights, they are blinding and fairly useless.

Too Many

I'm not talking about the Hyundai Tucson and all its weird little lights, since those are just stupid looking and not a hazard. I'm referring to the aftermarket fog light strips (sometimes multiple) or even the use of fog lights in the hopes of looking cool. I've also seen add-on brake lights or light-up car-model-script tail lights. Some diy folks will slap stick-on red led strips on the bumper for reasons. It's really best to leave the lighting alone unless you need to replace a bulb because more lights are way less important than working lights.

The Circus

Back when I was in high school, the kids started lighting up the area below their cars with neon lights. I even knew a guy who made a pretty good living off the trend for about a year, or the amount of time it took local police officers to pull the cars over. Like high-waisted jeans, the unlikely trend is back, in the form of LED lights that last about 3000 times as long as neon. They can change color, flash like Christmas lights, and generally turn any respectable vehicle into a clown car. Still, consumers love these lights, and they'll light up every nook and cranny of the car with the marvels. A slight glow to show off your big rims and expensive suspension doesn't bother me, but bright, flashing lights shooting off in all directions is a road hazard. If your vehicle isn't a spaceship, it's white and amber lights in front with red and amber lights in back (with white backup lights). When you add color-changing headlight surrounds in red, that's illegal because you have the wrong color in the front. As a driver, I am also distracted by red and blue lights that seem like police lights or any flashing lights. I'd also mention that flashing brake lights is a dumb trend as you don't need them, and they are especially annoying in rush-hour traffic. 

My recommendation is that you leave your car lighting alone and use your talents to add majestic lighting to rooms inside your house. LED toilet seats, backlighting around the television, and lighting above and below kitchen cabinets are pretty cool. You can even slap your Instagram sticker on the wall in whatever room you upgrade so everyone who is enchanted by your skillz can follow you.

Local Dating Scene: Mostly Mistakes by Men

I recently asked a local woman about dating after divorce, since both my wife and I agree it would be quite difficult (not that we're interested in finding out). Still, I was interested to discover what this woman (who told me her divorce made her very happy) thought about the dating scene. Her stories seem to prove men continue to make the same mistakes all their lives when it comes to dating. It's funny and sad, but the saddest part is that I only got to hear a handful of examples, even though she claimed to have many more. Anyhow, in case you're wondering what it's like to date after a divorce in Jacksonville (likely Anywhere, USA), here are some reasons to stay married. We'll call the woman I met Lucy because 50 First Dates.

The Movie Closeup Featuring Mr. McTexty

Instead of dinner and a movie, this guy decides to just catch a film together. Lucy and Mr. McTexty sit next to each other in the empty theater. He decides to hold her hand, and she's cool with that. However, at some point early in the film, she senses that his face is right next to hers. Lucy figures the guy is hoping she'll turn to him for a kiss, but she's only just met the guy  and doesn't want to go there. The crazy part is that Mr. McTexty doesn't get the hint, and he keeps his face right there waiting for the next hour. Lucy feels uncomfortable for the duration of the movie, but even after getting shot down like a bogey in Top Gun, Mr. McTexty decides the date went so well that he texts Lucy continuously for the next several days, telling her he had such a great time and wanted another date. Maybe he was planning on sitting on the other side of her at a different movie. Or right next to her in a booth at a darkly-lit restaurant.

My reaction to Lucy's story was to tell her about Dave from back in high school. He was super-flirty and silly around girls, and most of them made fun of him, but the technique only has to work once. Or once in a while. So I was generally dateless back then yet Dave was outkicking his coverage with all kinds of lady friends. If Mr. McTexty has a 10% success rate in empty theaters with women he couldn't possibly land with a real date, he's probably doing just fine. Even if he creeps out the other 90%.

The Spanxman

Lucy had gone on a few dates with Spanxman when she goes over to his place. At some point, she removes her Spanx. I was not told if this was an entire body suit or high-waisted shorts, but it's basically a tight-fitting, modern girdle that women who return to the dating scene use to recapture their college bodies in cute outfits but are probably removed well before any happy-action-fun-time begins. Since Spanx doesn't sell a discreet carrying case, Lucy leaves hers somewhere at Spanxman's place. When he talks to her to let her know he has her undergarments, he also reveals he's been enjoying smelling them because they smell like her (obviously). Once again, Lucy is creeped out and another guy who thinks he's being sexy gets shot down.

Not to defend the Spanx Sniffer, but I did mention to Lucy the Ed Sheeran song where he sniffs his bedsheets that smell like his special lady. I get Lucy's point, however, because I have compression shorts for baseball that make me all sweaty. Even after a really good game, I would never toss them at my wife and encouraged her to sniff away. Also, it's a lot like panty sniffing. Also, he probably tried them on. And lastly, because I know you were wondering, Spanx sells products for men that enhance your "pecs."

The Business Witch

Lucy started dating a guy (we'll call him Darrin) who she described as too nice in the dating scene. Before he found Lucy, he went out with a business witch but didn't break it off because he didn't want to judge. Or because being a witch fits into that category of girl you've kind of thought about but never would ask out, like women with full-body tattoos or who are professional weightlifters. Anyhow, this woman wasn't really a total witch--she just uses witchcraft to try to make her business perform better. I guess religious people pray to God for business success, but if you don't believe in God, your options are limited. I told Lucy she should be concerned the business witch might have a Voodoo Doll of her boyfriend, but after saying it, I wasn't sure if mainstream witches in America use that type of magic. I was intrigued by how magic or witchcraft works in making business better, like if you cast spells on clients or use magical scents in your store to make people buy stuff. Or maybe a hex on your competition.

OK, this one's a stretch to say it's in any way Darrin's fault for not dumping the business witch because he was too nice. However, as a guy, I don't buy that he was too nice. Whether she's a hot witch, a hot Russian spy, a hot Christian blogger, a hot married woman, or a hot illegal immigrant, most guys are going to hold onto the hot, crazy woman until something better comes along for fear of being all alone and shriveled up, like a dried toad used in a potion.

The Married Booty Call Co-worker

Lucy talked about a co-worker who used the employee texting system to contact her at 10 pm. He asked if it mattered to her that he was married. It did, so he stopped texting, but she did say that he'd hooked up with another co-worker earlier in the year. This proves my earlier point that your game only has to work some of the time. Obviously, a certain percentage of single ladies at work must not mind that you're married. Or, he felt a little guilty after the first co-worker and decided he'd lead with the whole marriage angle, but then he's learned his lesson and will most certainly not ask next time. Lucy also figures she's dated several married men from the dating app (never on purpose). All this leads to the relationship rule that Booty Call Co-worker and Spanxman broke: Avoid being honest. I have a friend who would also add that when you get caught, deny everything. Maybe it sounds like what politicians do, but remember that they win elections that way. I've never been able to be dishonest myself, but I can look back now and say I would have had many more dates in high school and college using dishonesty as my starting point.

The Ex-machinegunna

Lucy briefly mentioned the ex, saying that he did the "typical" driving up and down her block with his guns in the front seat of his car. And that he's already remarried. I bet he wasn't honest with his new bride when discussing Lucy, at least about how he tracked her every purchase and yelled at her for buying name-brand soda. And the guns in the front seat thing. I also assume Lucy knew better than to tell her potential new boyfriends that her ex might be driving by the house during their dates, unless she saw it as a test of their pecs.

Til Death Do Us Part

Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife tossed out my Big Dog Milwaukee Bucks jersey, and I nearly lost it. For her, cleaning means throwing things away, while for me, it's more about finding a place for the things to be stored out of her sight. I was angry, but I wasn't going to leave or toss my compression shorts at her. She'd have to throw all of my stuff away and sign us up for a line dancing class for me to really fly off the handle. Mostly because I love her, but also because I can be relatively  honest with her and avoid awkward first dates with women whose exes may be hiding in bushes with assault rifles. 

I also want to reassure Mr. McTexty and Spanxman that there are women for you out there. Just try a little less honesty, whether you think she's the one or just the one for now. Even if she's a witch.

Illegal Traffic Stops in St. Johns County

I don't really want to help any criminals out of trouble, but I also don't want to see the rights of my fellow citizens trampled by overzealous police officers. I was recently the victim of an illegal traffic stop in St. Johns County, and I'm hoping that by writing about my experiences, you'll be prepared for a similar trampling of your own rights.

I'm sure there are some law and order folks out there who feel that any police officer can pull any driver over at any time. I'm not one of those people. Police officers need probable cause to pull you over in Florida/ free America. If they observe you running a red light or speeding or if your lights are out at night, that counts. Maybe if you're driving erratically or if your vehicle matches that of a suspect. Even if there's a planned DUI roadblock (though I have yet to see one in Florida), I can see it. We also have a loud music ban that creates probable cause to the chagrin of many teens. Windows that are too dark will lead to some debatable stops, and I was once pulled over for not having a license plate light (which is a legal stop but pretty borderline). However, in St. Johns County along Highway 1 coming out of St. Augustine, I was pulled over just because.

Technically, the officer started with the explanation that my lights looked kind of bright when he pulled me over. He didn't ask for a license and registration, and I hadn't gotten them ready because I wasn't planning on having to prove anything. I told him I had auto brights, which are legal. I did not have my fog lights on. He asked me to show him the difference between normal and brights. He also said dealerships can adjust the brightness. My vehicle has 150,000 miles, 75% at night, and exactly one traffic stop for excessively bright lights, so I'm thinking nope. The officer never mentioned speed (I wasn't speeding) or erratic driving (there wasn't any), so the sole reason for a nerve-wracking traffic stop was possibly slightly bright standard lights. No illegal lighting, lack of lighting, too dark tint, obscured license, etc. Nothing. 

At the end of our conversation, the officer said he was just pulling over people looking for DUIs. The problem is that he detained me, ran my tag, wasted my time, and forced me to allow him to see inside my vehicle and talk to me, all without probable cause, making it a violation of my rights.  

If St. Johns County wants to set up mandatory DUI checkpoints, then follow the rules for doing so, and go right ahead. The problem with illegal stops is that people develop a distrust for police. I don't think I was being profiled, but was this officer going to stop a Maserati, also for no reason? I bet cops avoid pulling people over for no reason if the vehicle exudes a sense that the owner might know the right people, whereas my vehicles are more average. However, all of us should have the same expectation that we will not be harassed by law enforcement if there is no probable cause.

Lastly, had I been under the influence or transporting illegal drugs, an illegal stop of my vehicle makes prosecuting the real infractions more complicated than if I'd been pulled over for a legitimate reason. I assume most lawyers would be able to get the case thrown out if the initial stop was illegal. Therefore, St. Johns County Sheriff's should put an end to illegal traffic stops.

Driving Games Jacksonville Style

My daughter was telling me about a driving game she played with someone who was originally from Missouri (where driving games are probably still a thing) called My Cows. Basically, you claim cow herds. And there's some mechanism by which you can lose your herds, I guess if someone else sees a cemetery. That's a cool game in Missouri or Wisconsin (and some parts of Florida), but driving entertainment in Jacksonville is much more refined, and we don't have enough cows, so I've come up with some local games.

My Abandoned Building

It's like the cows game, but you claim abandoned buildings in Jacksonville. However, if you see new construction, you can blast your opponent's cache of abandoned buildings.

What I'm Thinking in the Rain

This was my original Jax driving game. You just come up with the thoughts of the pedestrians you see when there's a torrential downpour.

The Fashion Police Have Issued a Warrant for...

Jacksonville isn't exactly Los Angeles, which is apparent when you see people (including me) walking around. An extra-large purple workout suit? Leather pants on a hot day? Plaid shorts with a striped shirt? I've seen them all, and you will too if you look. Pretend you're one of the mean girls and have fun. Just remember to keep your windows up or your voice down.

Pitbull Name Game

Killer, Daisy, Cupcake, or Scooby. It doesn't really matter. Pitbulls are everywhere in Jacksonville, so I made this game up just for that breed. However, if you're in Ponte Vedra, just change it to Doodle Name Game. Also, once you decide on a name, you have to sing the song. Killer, Killer, bo-billler, banana-fanna fo-filler, me-my-mo miller, Killer. Something like that.

Homeless Dream Ride

Identify a homeless person and then pair that person to a vehicle currently on the road with you. Then give a reason for the choice as a dream ride. Like the BMW will remind him of when he was a banker in New York.

Pickup Truck Bingo

You'll need some bingo cards for this, but the it's very easy to get a lot of variety. White F-150, Black Ram, Blue Silverado, etc. You can also have more general slots, like Japanese or Heavy Duty. You want El Camino, go ahead.

Hauling at the Moon

For this game, you identify the item that's being hauled by a Jacksonvillian that is most likely to fall out or off of a vehicle. Pickups, trailers, open trunks, roof racks, bike racks, handheld roof surfboards, etc.

Cheers!

I might have been drinking when I came up with this game, and I don't exactly remember what it was about. Maybe drunk drivers. Sure, why not. Let's just say it's what you yell when you see a vehicle that should get pulled over for probable cause (no headlights, erratic driving).

Pin the Pin on the Address

Get out your phones for this one. Someone picks an address in Jacksonville and then everyone else drops a pin closest to where they think the address might be (without looking it up). Closest wins. This game works because Jacksonville is stupid-big with stupidly-named roads.

Bus Stop Confessions

When it's your turn, choose a person at the bus stop and imagine what their deepest secret might be. Nothing obvious, like, "I enjoy yelling at people on the street." More like, "When I was a vice-president at AOL, I enjoyed getting snail mail," or, "I'm wearing Christmas pajamas under this outfit."

I'm Firm For The Law

Pick a word like Gavel or Lawyer. Yell it when you see a law firm billboard or bus seat ad, or hear a law firm ad on the radio. First to say the word gets the points and the winner with the most points gets to say, "I am the law!" at the end.

Pound Sand, Chumps

When I read the words our mayor tweeted to a local lawyer, I wasn't sure what it meant. Sure, the mayor was upset because the lawyer was questioning why a large GOP donor (and special friend of Curry and Desantis) had an access card to enter police stations, but I'm not sure how bringing light to the situation warrants saying a guy has no moral compass and should pound sand. Also, what does pounding sand mean?

I looked it up, and apparently when you tell someone to pound sand, you're saying they don't have enough sense to do anything worthwhile. Because pounding sand is a worthless endeavor. I guess it's a beach thing, like saying, "Former JEA CEO (who I barely know and whose plan to make a lot of people I don't really know rich was illegal and unrelated to me), go pound sand." Or, "Former Sheriff who moved out of town and barely showed up to work (and who I barely even know), pound sand. Or, "Former good friend who I didn't know was under investigation for sex crimes (which resulted in me accidentally defending him), go pound sand." 

I'm sure all the investigators who looked into the JEA sale or Sheriff Mike Williams's retirement plans also had no moral compass. The problem is that the defacto moral compass in Jacksonville for politicians and public servants seems to point straight at themselves. Maybe their buddies, too. I was hoping the guy who was buddies with Curry and Desantis maybe sent something incriminating in the mail before he offed himself in the post office parking lot. Or I guess we could go down the conspiracy road and say he was planning on mailing something incriminating but something happened to him before he got out of the car and the letter got misplaced. Or he was planning on mailing a confession revealing his own misdeeds along with those of dozens of those he financed in politics, but the line was so long that he just gave up.

The thing is that these self-righteous politicians and fat cats don't tend to give up. They deny everything or scapegoat one guy, and the machine keeps on steamrolling the rest of us who don't have moral compasses pointing directly at ourselves. And so we get cynical and frustrated, or at least wonder to ourselves how we too can build a business that helps soldiers relocate and have millions of dollars leftover to donate to politicians, along with time to serve on the college board of governors, hang out at the police station more often than the county sheriff, and participate in some kind of illicit sex crime that was apparently news to everyone. Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it sure seems to buy a lot of friends. 

Anyhow, I guess I want to tell all those of you with a very obscured view of a moral compass who disagree with me to pound sand, chumps. To those who question and investigate (all four or five of you in Jacksonville), thank you for at least adding a level of difficulty to the local corruption.

Haretna for Gyros Review

My family likes us some gyros, sometimes. In the case of Haretnas, however, we won't be returning. We got a Restaurant.com deal to try the restaurant, and the fact we didn't pay full price is the only our experience would be rated as almost acceptable. Like 2/5 stars. At full price, 1/5. Really.

When I walked in with my daughter at around 8pm, I asked if the place was still open. A pair of blue-hairs were seated in one booth having long ago finished eating, while a disheveled man sat in another booth with no food. The main employee was doing paperwork. There might have been a cook in the back. But this is a large restaurant inside, and it seemed bleakly empty. The main who told us to sit wherever also claimed the restaurant was open, so we went with that. 

It's reasonable to assume some of the food on the menu is fine, but we just like gyros, so that's what we order. I'm always a bit worried when a place lists the gyro meat as being either beef or beef/lamb mix. This place claimed to use beef and lamb. We ordered the platter that came with fries, except our server said there were no fries. That's because they shut the fryer down because they were basically closed, which he should have told us from the get-go.

$12 for a gyro platter isn't outlandish, but the offer was for us to now get a side salad instead of fries, which was kind of a disappointment because both of us were hungry. But it got worse when we actually got the food: the salad was just the same lettuce that was already sprinkled on the gyro, so just more of something that may or may not belong on a gyro. But worst of all, the amount of meat on the pita was about half of what I generally expect on a gyro. You could literally fold this pita up like a burrito, with half of the food inside consisting of lettuce and Tzatziki. Maybe onions, too. It doesn't matter, because it just wasn't very good. The meat, the pita, the sauce. None of it. It was about as good as the Trader Joe's prepackaged gyro meat with a sauce submitted to an online forum by some old lady from North Dakota. But mostly it was a big doughy pita without much on it. 

My daughter didn't touch her salad, partially because there was salad as part of the gyro, and partially because we were going out to eat. We eat salad nearly every night at home, so it's just not special to offer your high school kid two puny salads as part of a restaurant experience.

At some point, the server/owner/accountant/janitor told us they were short staffed. Fine, then say you're closed when someone asks. Or just close down and invest in a food truck. I know, I sound bitter, but if you're going to stiff a customer on a "platter," offer something better and make the gyros better than usual instead of serving what seemed like warmed up leftovers from another restaurant.

What sucked is that I was visibly disappointed, as was my kid, but our guy just went back to working on folding napkins or counting receipts. I had to track him down just to pay. At least the coupon brought the price down so that I based my tip (for nothing) based on a lower price. I always leave a tip, but this was very close to me leaving without. In fact, if I was in charge of this restaurant, a customer would have gotten the meals and an apology for free. Maybe a dessert. Anything to acknowledge how sucky you felt about it all. Oh well, at least I have the internet so I can vent and you can put this restaurant in the "don't bother" category, at least for gyros.

Florida All Set to Take Down Teachers Unions

I was a teacher in Wisconsin when the state, under Scott Walker, took on the teachers unions. The unions lost, and I was eventually laid off without cause. Plenty of other teachers were laid off, but even more we're simply told to do more with less. By the end, I had very little love left for my union or my job, wishing I had the thousands of dollars I'd paid back. Like Florida, Wisconsin was a purple state with a bright red governor. Like Walker, Desantis has stuck his nose in education, and he probably believes a big win against unions would cement his place in the White House. 

De Santis has recently backed school board candidates across the state, replaced Democrat-leaning school board members, mandated a civics curriculum to be taught, promoted barely-educated military personnel to become licensed teachers, and asked schools to burn books while avoiding the discussion of woke topics. That's a lot more intrusive than Scott Walker ever got in Wisconsin, yet Walker was able to bring the biggest union in the state to its knees. I figured Crist's choice in running mate (teachers union boss) might sway Desantis to attack the teacher unions, but since the Democrats didn't mount a real campaign against him, I guess there was no point in spooking teachers.  

But now might be the right time. St. Johns County teachers just voted down a pay raise for the first time, and that's probably not the only union in the state complaining. If county budgets are suffering, onw way to ease the pain is to eliminate collective bargaining. School districts want to pay new teachers more and old teachers less, but pay schedules don't allow it. With no unions and voided contracts, schools can change to fewer total pay lanes while saving tons of money in health insurance and pension benefits-- my district no longer paid my retirement contribution for me and bought high-deductible insurance for our group, while also freezing my pay to the new lane, essentially cutting most total compensation packages by roughly $10,000 per year without it looking like my pay went down to outsiders. Those outsiders were already paying their own retirements and had worse insurance, so it was acceptable to them. Of course, the lack of a union meant class sizes could increase and schedules could change (going from five classes to six), thus requiring fewer teachers. I got caught as a mid-career teacher who didn't have extra certifications but was still heading for the next pay increase. 

But think about the numbers. $10,000 less per teacher per year and about 30 fewer teachers (out of around 200) because of new schedules, along with the ability to fire teachers who might someday cash in on retirement benefits. My medium-sized district could save around $2,000,000 on salary and benefits and then another $1,500,000 on non-renewal of contracts. Probably another $1,000,000 (probably way more) down the road by hiring all new teachers who may or may not put in 30 years with the district. On the other side, teachers were told we no longer had to pay money in union dues, which obviously didn't make up for the losses, but I guess was something.

When I got to Jacksonville and eventually started teaching, I told a union rep about what happened in Wisconsin and my reluctance to join the union. She had never heard about Wisconsin and seemed confident no such situation could possibly occur in Florida, but she's so wrong. If King Ron wants to come for public school unions, he will. Didn't any teachers or unions question why the governor was weighing in on school board elections? Sure, it might just be about indoctrination and control for parents, but the next logical step is going after those who don't agree.

Several school boards have already severed ties with superintendents viewed as too liberal for mandating masks. Another school board member posted to social media asking for parents to rat-out teachers who show movies before breaks. It's not a very far leap to start looking at teacher total compensation packages and whether a change could save money to build more football stadiums. The power structure in Wisconsin needed to vilify teachers as greedy and lazy in order get the general population behind dismantling the union, and it wasn't all that difficult. Old wives tales like, "If you can't do, teach," were all the rage, along with publicly posting salaries. Anti-teacher pundits focused on summers off and the union protection of obviously bad teachers. Soon, we were all lazy, greedy, criminal, dangerous, and naive (for being in unions). We were the cause of budget shortfalls and high taxes, and because our jobs were so easy, anyone could replace us. 

While Scott Walker believed dismantling the unions would thrust him into the White House as the ultimate fiscally-conservative candidate, Desantis might just see it as the final feather in his cap. Or, if the teachers are lucky, he'll see it as an unnecessary fight because he's already got enough power to force teachers and school districts to behave. More than likely, the teachers unions in Florida will behave like the Democratic party of the state and just give up (while still collecting dues). And the state will slowly chip away at union power and public opinion until it needs the money from destroying the union. At 160,000+ teachers in our state, if budgets could save $10,000 a year on each individual, that's $1.6 billion a year in savings. Luckily for teachers, our state finances are currently doing ok, so maybe ignoring it will make it go away. That was often my technique for student misbehavior, and once in a while it even worked.