Saturday, April 29

Finally, A Breasteraunt Near Me

I didn't even know the term "breasteraunt" existed, but now that I do, I'm excited that one of these fine establishments is coming to Kernan and Atlantic June of 2023. I suppose I should have guessed that Twin Peaks was more than just an outdoorsy sports bar but more of a Hooters-style gentlemen's club for the family.

I ventured to the Twin Peaks website to do a little recon, and I discovered that the waitresses wear black and red flannel "shirts" and Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, the cooks and dishwashers don't get to wear those sweet threads. There's also a Man Card that I assume is for VIPs who spend their lunch breaks getting some twin peeks before heading back to work and then home to the ball and chain. Sign me up, I guess.

As far as the food goes, who really cares, right? But it's wings and burgers and lots of fried stuff that looks tasty enough. The only menu item that seems a bit titillating is the Twin Peaks Sundae that has side-by-side scoops of ice cream, each with a cherry on top. I suppose some drunk dad will motorboat it in front of the kids, but it's not like Mom has to order some inappropriately-named taco or clam dish. I didn't even see melons as a side dish, but I'm sure guys will try to create their own menu items for fun.

I'm sure the UNF girls who don't want to work an actual gentlemen's club or become a sugar baby for some CEO will flock to the opportunity to make Double-D-sized tips. The position is called a Twin Peaks Girl. Here's a description of the job from the Twin Peaks website:
The essence of the Twin Peaks Girl is based on female sex appeal, and encompasses her knowledge of sports, food, beverages, having a fun energetic personality, and her ability to meet and maintain the Twin Peaks Image & Costume Guidelines.
The wording of the job description confuses me a little. I guess for some guys sex appeal requires knowledge of sports, food, and beverages. I'm happy if my wife pretends to like sports a little bit and allows me to watch football instead of taking her shopping on Sundays. The description says she needs to be flirty and fill out the costume in all the right places. I assume these last two skills/natural endowment are more important than her knowledge of wing sauces or Weiss beers to her sex appeal, but you never know with these millennials and GenZers.

I suppose Twin Peaks should go on the bucket list of somewhat awkward things to do with my son or Bible study group. I hope it becomes a decent local Packer bar if nothing else because then I'd have an excuse to survey the landscape.

Tuesday, April 25

New Roof Miscommunications Lead to Buyer's Remorse and This Review

My neighbor recommended CNR Roofing in Jacksonville because of the warranty and price. Assuming the company is still in business, workmanship is guaranteed for 10 years rather than the typical 5 years. I liked that, too, so I added CNR to my list of roofing estimates. 

The salesman told me what they'd do and materials they'd use and how it was all quality, and I was pretty much sold, so I asked if I could get a cash or special-financing-rate credit card discount or offer. I was told 1% cash discount. That was cool, though I assumed my other options were to pay with check or credit card (also about 1% cash back depending on the card). I was wrong.

CNR pushed the date around to account for rain. That's not a big deal when it was pushed back, but when it was pushed up, I didn't have time to get cash in hand (though it was in the bank). When I told the salesman this, he said just pay with a check, and in my mind, a check would be the same as cash when compared to a credit card (which I know charges fees to companies), so I saw it as a green light to pay partial cash and the rest a check. Nope. I was later told cash or check was all they took, and I lost my discount because I didn't go get $8,000 from the bank, even though I was also told it costs then money to process cash, so I was confused. I thought they'd want cash for maybe paying a worker cash once in a while or whatever it is companies sometimes want cash for, and I was willing to go get the cash, but then they didn't really want it and seemed to want payment immediately, even though the roof was done a day early. I hadn't slept much in the previous 24 hours, so I went with it. 1% isn't such a big deal if the job's done right.

However, even before I didn't get my 1%, I had let CNR know that a rusty nail went through my foot the night before. I was very surprised to hear that I wasn't getting my discount AND that I need to be careful in my yard. No apology discount or immediate calling for a crew with magnets. Or an inspection of the yard together. Just be careful. After my overpayment, I headed outside to inspect, hoping the crew had picked up some nails since the previous night (they finished in the morning of the second day). I found over a dozen nails in the yard. That's worse than just be careful. All told, I found enough nails in the yard, plant pots, the shed roof, etc., to make the yard officially dangerous. Even the nails not in the yard itself, like the ten or so on top of the shed, would eventually end up in the yard. Honestly, if I wanted a crappy job of a roof tear-off, I would have done it myself. The photo I took of the nails I found does not include one my wife found (which she handed to the workers) and the one in my foot (which I tossed into the dumpster before cracking open a beer for self-healing heal).

We chose to keep cars in the garage to protect them from the elements, and we assumed the dumpster would leave when the crew was finished. Nope. I couldn't pick my kid up from school or use my vehicle to get to work. Again, probably just another miscommunication, but enough to make me feel like there should have been better communication. As in, "Have cash on hand for the discount (even if we go a day early), and have your cars out of the garage for as long as it takes because our dumpster leaves when it feels like leaving. And be prepared to clean up your yard yourself."

If I'd known all that, I'd be much happier. In fact, if you hire CNR, now you know. I think the roof is fine, and I hope they stay in business 10 years, honestly. Being from Wisconsin, my expectations are just high, even when Florida proves time and again that even big-ticket purchases are just barely adequate in most cases. I'm not saying you should pay twice as much to ensure a better roof experience or go with a cut-rate company that uses worse materials. Mostly, I'd just say to not expect an excellent experience no matter which Florida roofer, car dealership, plumber, painter, contractor, or whatever you choose. I've seen the results of those and more, and it's just not all that good.

After the roof was done, the bills paid, and my clean-up complete, my insurance guy told me to get a wind mitigation report from the roofer. He said roofers and contractors in Florida can fill out the form. Again, nope. While someone at CNR could take a class and be qualified, they are not, so that means an extra $80 to $135 needs to be in your CNR roofing budget. Also, the inspector said my underlayment was basic and not necessarily the better material insurance looks for, so I guess I misunderstood the sales pitch that said CNR used something better than other roofers. 

I was told when I paid that I could leave the CNR sign up as long as I wanted, so I walked down to the street as the bill collector was leaving in order to remove the sign. The job is done, and I hope it's the last I have to deal with CNR or any other roofer for a very long time. I obviously do not recommend using CNR roofing for those of you who expect the best, but as long as you know what you're getting, I'd say the company is worth an estimate.

I wanted to add that my bill to CNR for poor cleanup, storage of their dumpster, and lack of communication comes to $280. I'll update this page if the company decides to pay the bill. Cash or check would be fine.

Tuesday, April 18

Places to Advertise Community Events in Jacksonville

My son is in another school play, and this time I decided to try to drum up a little attention. However, I don't know exactly how to do it, so I want to document what I have tried to get a community event publicized, especially when a few hurdles existed from the outset.

First off, Duval County Public Schools have terrible websites, so while I don't think the school he's at has publicized the event, it's really hard to tell. On top of that, the tickets didn't go on sale on the GoFan site until less than a week before the event, which means all the meathead parents with kids in sports didn't see it as an upcoming event, nor could I use the link in material publicizing the play. Basically, the plan seems to be that no one will show up, and because no one will show up, there's no reason to publicize it. I don't like that plan, so this is what I tried:

About a month before the play (in this case it's Noises Off at Fletcher High School), I tried to add it to a couple of local events websites. Because I didn't have a link to tickets or an official website, I provided my own information. Folio Weekly ended up adding the event (Hooray!), while visitjacksonville did not (Boo! Hiss!) The only problem is that Folio Weekly doesn't rank high when it comes to theater events, and Jacksonville (no surprise) is all about the for-profit theater companies and their list of re-hashed productions. Anyhow, much love to Folio Weekly.

My next step is to get a document printed and posted wherever someone will let me in the East Arlington/Beaches area. I'll start with my church because my wife works there and the people know James. I went to the Pablo Creek Regional Library with one ad, but the library staff said I couldn't post it anywhere, which means a local public school can't post event info at a local public library about a literary event. My son was technically in charge of distribution of the rest of the printouts. I don't think he tried any local businesses, instead opting to hand them to fellow actors to each post one somewhere.

In the end, not much was advertised. We learned that Folio Weekly allows legitimate events, but it's not the calendar that tends to show up in Google searches. We learned that the library should change its policy and the high school should promote academic activities as much as sporting events. We learned that kids (even friends) don't attend plays, nor do most teachers or community members who happen to hear about them. That said, better execution of advertising will occur in the future because of what we've learned. If the play's appropriate, we'll try a local mom blog in the future, too. But I really believe a door-to-door canvassing with the printed playbill around the school might be the best way to let people know, since most people aren't actively searching for the information. We can ask the neighbors to post the info at work or pass the word to someone who might be interested.

Friday, April 14

San Pablo Construction - Neighborly Thoughts

I haven't checked out my neighbor complaint app recently, so I decided to read one about the construction on San Pablo, just to see how neighborly everyone can be about the issue. Here's the initial post: 
For everyone that complained to the city about the construction work being performed at night on San Pablo, thank you for making long traffic delays and problems while we’re trying to go to work and take our kids to school. All because you didn’t want a little bit of noise at night.
I lived through Zoo Interchange construction in Milwaukee, and I can tell you that some of it would have been impossible at night, but that's a major I-94 interchange as opposed to a road widening. Let's see how neighbors build each other up:
Lunch time this week San Pablo was at a slow crawl, one lane closed, I needed to make a left across San Pablo. I would say 30 cars wouldn’t let me make a left. I kept inching up and they would go around me to go nowhere. I was blocking their lane and they would still drive around me. So if you see a white jeep, yeah that’s me doing 25. Payback.
While a lot of commenters just agreed with the original post, the previous response added another element to neighbors not necessarily loving each other. The next guy probably always knows the local weather forecast if anyone wants to hear it:
I could never figure out why anyone would use San Pablo as a through road when Hodges is so much faster.

Others point out that Google sends people that way, but it might also have to do with two schools and lots of housing. Also tourists and new citizens. Basically, you've got A1A, San Pablo, Hodges, Kernan, St. Johns Bluff, and Southside. Take your pick, but it sucks to drive 2 miles out of your way in each direction to get where you're going. 
People don’t think things through. That’s the nicest way I can put it
I guess no one wanted to defend the decision to abort overnight construction in order to turn this forum thread into a bloodbath. If I lived on San Pablo and had complained, I think I'd be happy to step back and watch the madness from a distance, too, especially if I had a work-from-home job. 


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Thursday, April 13

I-95, US 1, and A1A

I was taking US 1 (Hwy 1 or Philips Hwy) to St. Augustine when someone asked if it went up and down the coast and whether it or I-95 went to the Keys and all sorts of questions I hadn't considered. So I decided to write about the general rules for our main north-south roads in the Jacksonville area. 

US-1 does run the entire length of Florida, but it's kind of weird to start, coming through Georgia (Folkston) as 301 or 15, then turning into 23 or Rte1 or 15 at Callahan. And then it becomes Philips Highway after it cuts through Jacksonville. Also in Jacksonville is Alt1 (MLK Expressway and Hart Bridge), though I'm not sure where it hooks back up with US-1 south of the river. Since Hwy 1 follows New Kings road for a time, the route from Florida to Georgia probably follows generally the Kings Road that was built in the late 1700s that was supposed to diagonal from Macon through Cowford (Jacksonville) and down to St. Augustine and eventually New Smyrna. I believe the Old Dixie Highway is also part of this route. Anyhow, after Jacksonville when it veers towards the northwest, US-1 is a main thoroughfare that goes north-south along the Atlantic coast of Florida, staying west of the Intracoastal Waterway.

A1A is the road that goes up and down the coast that generally stays east of the Intracoastal. It's often the road next to the oceanfront properties. You can drive it right past Mar-a-Lago or the Kennedy Space Center. But A1A does get cut off by some inlets along the way from Amelia Island down to Miami, including the St. Johns River here in Jax, meaning you have to cross the Intracoastal and often use US-1 in order to pick A1A back up again. Therefore, a trip along the A1A along the entire Atlantic coast of Florida would be mind-numbingly long. If you could get lucky and average 35mph along the way, it would still be over 10 hours from Miami up to Fernandina Beach.

When you want to speed through Florida, then the I-95 is your road. Generally, it's further from the coast than the A1A or US-1. Around Miami, you also get the turnpike and I-75 going north-south alongside the 95. It's a dangerous road, and I think it's used by a lot of drug mules and people escaping from other states, but it's fast. Jax to Miami in about 5 hours. 

Sunday, April 9

Trying to Understand Stand Your Ground

Two recent cases in Northeast Florida have me questioning the stand your ground law more than ever. One involves a bar fight and the other road rage, but both seem to allow more than you'd expect from a law meant to be used to protect responsible gun owners.

The St. Augustine bar fight went down like this: two guys get into a fight. One is losing the fight, so he pulls out his gun (which was banned in the bar) and kills his opponent. He's acquitted and only charged with a misdemeanor gun charge.

The other case is the local road rage story where occupants of two cars are getting into it. The passenger (wife) in one car throws a water bottle into the other car. The other driver shoots back with a gun. He's not charged because of stand your ground. The first driver retaliates with a gun instead of another water bottle. He is charged with attempted murder but will probably also use the stand your ground defense.

Do you see the problem here? The stand your ground law is encouraging people in non-lethal situations to retaliate with lethal force. The man losing the bar fight had no reason to assume he was going to be killed by getting his ass kicked. Most of us deserve an ass kicking once in a while. But he was a bitch and grabbed his gun, and I'd say if you bring your gun into a bar where no one is supposed to have one, you're planning on using it if you get into a bar fight. Just as importantly, the decision makes it nearly impossible for any male in his fightin years to NOT bring his gun everywhere he goes, since it's likely every other male also has a gun, and it's legal to kill anyone who might kick your ass.

Honestly, even at my age, I see a ton of people around Jacksonville whose asses I could pummel in a fight. But I guess that's not an option anymore, because the moment you win a fist fight, you're now the assailant and can be shot dead because of our rights to protect our property from British soldiers.

The other case is similar in that Lady MacBeth only tossed a water bottle at Dad 2. That's bad and should have led to an arrest, but it apparently created a justified shooting situation. Unless it was a 20-pound jug of water that crashed through the windshield, I'm thinking you still just call 911 and let the po-po handle it. 

Yes, Dad 1, after he realized his daughter had been shot, should have pulled over to tend to her instead of firing on Dad 2 (shooting Daughter 2) in return, but the gun escalation had already begun, and you could argue that returning actual gunfire is much more standing your ground than bringing a gun to a water bottle fight.

I know, maybe the bar fight guy who got killed was a kickboxer who was himself a deadly weapon, and a pickup truck/ water bottle combo is probably a deadly weapon, but it just feels like every shooting where people are disagreeing will lead to the stand your ground defense. In a state with millions of guns and a new conceal carry law, I'd say that means none of us should ever have any disagreements with anyone ever.

A few months ago, I saw a sports dad (justifiably) yell at an athletic director who employs a very awful coach. The dad was fairly fit, and the athletic director is an old-ass man. Based on Florida law, I assume the athletic director could have shot the dad dead because he would have taken an ass-pounding in a fight. Instead, they both yelled and then eventually talked it out in the parking lot. Even if the dad had pushed or punched the athletic director, it should have then ended with some kind of assault charges and nothing more. The other parents would have broken up the fight. But our law allows and, in a way, encourages a similar situation to end in a shooting. Even if the old man had been the first to throw a punch or pull out some pepper spray, the shooter who responds seems to get a huge benefit of a bad law.


Thursday, April 6

What Does it Mean to Get San Pabloed or Hodged in Jacksonville?

The other day, I got San Pabloed. I've also been Hodged plenty of times. You can get San Pabloed or Hodged at San Pablo or Hodges, but the general principal likely exists in other places around Jacksonville as roads reach capacity. Getting San Pabloed or Hodged is what I call it when you get stuck while traveling in the right or left lane of Atlantic or Beach (east or west) because the turn lanes to San Pablo or Hodges have reached capacity. This usually occurs during the afternoon rush hours. It might be because two elementary schools brilliantly sit across from one another on San Pablo or because hundreds of middle managers are getting home to let the dogs out after work. 

My usual method is to stay in the middle lane on Atlantic or Beach. The empty bus can kill you in the right lane, and the left and right turn lanes fill up and back up into traffic. A lot. In true Jacksonville style, I'm sure the answer will be to widen the roads, add longer turn lanes, and hope for the best. But that's still several years off. Maybe a few more inverted scissors intersections to mess with tourists.

So it's not going away. You will get San Pabloed or Hodged at some point in Jax. It's not as bad as getting Blandinged (which is just not going anywhere in any direction with 14 lanes), but it still sucks.

Saturday, April 1

What Happened to the Dames Point Bridge Lights?


I was excited when I heard that the Dames Point Bridge would benefit from some lighting at night. I figured it would look cool. 

When the lights first came on, I was a little disappointed because it seemed that the lights could have been designed better or that a percentage of the lighting was still off. In fact, I think some nights the lights were only half on. 

Then, after about a month, I thought the lights appeared to be pretty good: you could see it from all directions, at least. Or maybe I just got used to the semi-lit look. Anyhow, the Dames Point Bridge was lit, and it looked good. Good enough. 

Then, after a couple of months of hearing positive comments about the pretty bridge, I noticed that the Dames Point was only half lit. One side only. Bridges don't look cool only half-lit, but we seemed to try it for a couple of weeks. 

Eventually, however, the lights went off completely, and that's around the time of me writing about them. I haven't done the research as to why the lights went off. It doesn't really matter. I can tell you that tourists liked them when they were on, but I can't confirm those tourists spent any more money in the region or bothered to go downtown. 

In the end, the lighting of the Dames Point Bridge may end up being a metaphor for Jacksonville: lots of potential, slow to get going, great for a while, sputtering, and then failure. As an outsider who has become an insider, I'd say that maintaining some attention to detail would be a positive improvement for a city that does not need to continually sputter and fail. Let's light the bridge and keep it lit. Let's start some projects and finish them. And then maintain what we finish. People notice. 

[UPDATE]
A few days after I published this article, the lights came back on the Dames Point. However, several of the lights seemed to be out, while others were continuously flashing. Maybe we need to get an electrician on the bridge to see if the connections are good. If the light bulbs are flashing because they're going bad after a few months, that's going to be a long-term problem with whatever bulbs were purchased, and the bridge will look half-ass for years to come.

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Brave New Church - Church Website Design
Voucher School - Pros and Cons of School Vouchers
Luthernet - Web Design for Lutheran Churches
Sitcom Life Lessons - What we've learned from sitcoms
Mancrush Fanclub - Why not?
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Wild West Allis - Every story ever told about one place
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Chromebook Covers - Reviews and opinions

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Harrell & Harrell 'The Right Size' Ad is Hilarious

Maybe Harrell & Harrell was going for a sassy, naughty response to Morgan & Morgan. Maybe the law firm just got really lucky and never thought about it. However, the result is one of the best clapback ads ever created.

For context, Morgan & Morgan created a series of commercials and billboards claiming that size matters. It's because Morgan & Morgan is the largest injury law firm on earth or something. The phrase also has a sexual connotation. The ads didn't take it too far, but everyone knows the debate about male size and whether it matters. So a big law firm is saying that size matters, and they are kind of using sex to sell, even if the Morgans aren't the sexiest men alive.

The genius of Harrell & Harrell's ad campaign is that Holt Harrell probably is the sexiest lawyer alive. And the billboard, with a photo of Holt, reads, "The right size." That's freakin hilarious! Plausible deniability allows one to say it's just in response to some large law firm that doesn't really know who you are, but if you acknowledge the use of sex in the Morgan & Morgan ad, then the response ad is doing the same thing. It's not the size but how you use it, right? Morgan & Morgan is just too big and too firm. 

When you are a handsome, wealthy lawyer-veteran like Holt Harrell, you're probably more worried about lining up donors for a potential Senate bid than a pissing contest with Morgan and Morgan, but Holt won it anyhow. Because of the ad, you assume Harrell drives a sensible family sedan instead of a monster pickup truck. You assume he shows up for court well-rested rather than hung-over. You assume he is polite to the judge. You assume he holds you afterwards; or holts you. Most of us associate law firms with one-night-stands: you're ashamed to do it, but you kind of want it to be good if you're going to bother. But Holt Harrell is the lawyer you'd be proud to bring home to dinner with the family.

My wife used Milwaukee's biggest and most advertised law firm when she got into an accident, and it worked out OK for her, but when she finally met the man behind the "one call, that's all" catchphrase, she said it was like meeting a rock star. And that was after all his minions did his bidding to get the settlement. I told her he probably meets all the clients once just to see if they'd make good billboard photos, but she didn't really make enough money to get plastered on a giant sign. You don't imagine Holt Harrell checking out clients once just to see if they're billboard-worthy. That's a big, sleazy Orlando-lawyer move. And it's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean that makes all the difference.

I'm Gonna be a Homeschool Millionaire!

Florida is about to pass a voucher school bill that lets responsible parents like myself decide what's best for my kids. Because I know. And I also know that I can get $8,000 for each one of those little bastards I keep home to educate. 

So let's see, four kids, fourteen years each...$448,000. Half a million, anyhow. I'll just set them right down in front of Fox News and they'll know all they need to know. Maybe some 700 Club for a little religion and Newsmax for some unbiased hard news. I can still work my other jobs as long as someone's home to make sure the kids are using some learning apps on their phones. 

Since it's about mind and body, weekly fishing and shooting field trips will be necessary, as well as recess at the local park for as long as it takes to tire them out. 

I guess it probably makes sense to get some book-learning curriculum, too, and since that only costs about $500 per year per kid, we'll still have plenty left over to put a down payment on my new RAM pickup.  

Actually, it probably makes sense to find four other families at church that also want to homeschool so that I only have to watch kids once a week. Yep, I'll be a pretty good teacher, for sure, and I know what's best for my kids. 

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