Saturday, April 29

Finally, A Breasteraunt Near Me

I didn't even know the term "breasteraunt" existed, but now that I do, I'm excited that one of these fine establishments is coming to Kernan and Atlantic June of 2023. I suppose I should have guessed that Twin Peaks was more than just an outdoorsy sports bar but more of a Hooters-style gentlemen's club for the family.

I ventured to the Twin Peaks website to do a little recon, and I discovered that the waitresses wear black and red flannel "shirts" and Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, the cooks and dishwashers don't get to wear those sweet threads. There's also a Man Card that I assume is for VIPs who spend their lunch breaks getting some twin peeks before heading back to work and then home to the ball and chain. Sign me up, I guess.

As far as the food goes, who really cares, right? But it's wings and burgers and lots of fried stuff that looks tasty enough. The only menu item that seems a bit titillating is the Twin Peaks Sundae that has side-by-side scoops of ice cream, each with a cherry on top. I suppose some drunk dad will motorboat it in front of the kids, but it's not like Mom has to order some inappropriately-named taco or clam dish. I didn't even see melons as a side dish, but I'm sure guys will try to create their own menu items for fun.

I'm sure the UNF girls who don't want to work an actual gentlemen's club or become a sugar baby for some CEO will flock to the opportunity to make Double-D-sized tips. The position is called a Twin Peaks Girl. Here's a description of the job from the Twin Peaks website:
The essence of the Twin Peaks Girl is based on female sex appeal, and encompasses her knowledge of sports, food, beverages, having a fun energetic personality, and her ability to meet and maintain the Twin Peaks Image & Costume Guidelines.
The wording of the job description confuses me a little. I guess for some guys sex appeal requires knowledge of sports, food, and beverages. I'm happy if my wife pretends to like sports a little bit and allows me to watch football instead of taking her shopping on Sundays. The description says she needs to be flirty and fill out the costume in all the right places. I assume these last two skills/natural endowment are more important than her knowledge of wing sauces or Weiss beers to her sex appeal, but you never know with these millennials and GenZers.

I suppose Twin Peaks should go on the bucket list of somewhat awkward things to do with my son or Bible study group. I hope it becomes a decent local Packer bar if nothing else because then I'd have an excuse to survey the landscape.

Contact Brian

Name

Email *

Message *

Pennies From Heaven AKA Welfare for Writers

The reason why we have ads on this site is because that's one way writers make money online. Your presence on this site right now might make a penny for our family. Clicking on an ad might get us closer to $.50. Buying something online as a result of clicking on a link can make us a few dollars. We will not get rich from this money, but every penny helps out. Every like or share or re-post or follow. Please, make a donation to our family by clicking.

JAX Weather

Labels

Jacksonville jax money Florida crime housing activities vehicles economic development school home news transportation planning police Duval website design kids politics traffic research TV neighbor reviews sports taxes parks statistics East Arlington writing history environment St. Johns roads travel water employment fun men previous owner rankings Arlington weather women beach review business church jaguars pollution dating fashion football guns hurricane library race tourism fatalities health care zoning baseball music JEA Mayport restaurant summer animals games military unf Lyft St. Augustine education flooding pets spanish AC Halloween farms film french hockey noise ocean po radio Duval County Fletcher high school armada cats christmas controversy debate decision fall fort caroline style superhero 2021 AAA Roadside Assistance Advice Blowhard Cambridge AICE County Sheriffs Duval County Public Schools Easter FDOT FL Google Gyros Haretna Hilton Honors James jaeger Kernan Boulevard Lutheran Milano's Ocala Pressers SEO St. Johns County Starbucks T-shirts Tim Tebow VW acting ad of the week addiction again all balls arts asked avoid behavior belief best bi-polar boo celebration chances chump colleges column common comparison consequences councilmembers credit card cuisine difficult to use don't work doors driving games entertainment experience expression faith finding food frustration future gambling gaming gas station grass hack handles high school exchange homes housing market humor illegal traffic stops impact importance improve indians informed infrastructure insightful issue. killing language last chance light boat parade lights local dating scene lottery love made mascot meaning mental health merchandise mistakes mood swings no U-turn sign no brains notebooks opening opinion origins ownership party paying for hotels personal opinion pet ownership pitbull play players pooper popular pound sand program protect real estate reason reform religion request revenue rewards program rights road trip save school identity school pride school spirit service simple sketchy slang someone state struggle support system take down taste teachers thank you timucuan traffic laws traffic stop universities unpredictability usage vehicle pet peeves welcome workplace