Monday, September 18

If There Aren't Any Panthers in North Carolina or Jaguars in North Florida, Then Why?

I get the Dolphins, Rays, Buccaneers, Marlins, Hurricanes, and even Seminoles (I thought they were all in Oklahoma, but there are still some in Florida). There's Heat, daily Lightning, and Magic at the theme parks. And Panthers. All of it's here, but not Jaguars. Conversely, North Carolina has no actual Panthers.

I'm sure everyone in Jacksonville recognized the irony back in 1995 when Carolina and Jacksonville entered the league. I'm only noticing it now because I finally realized there's a pro football team in town. I'd never even thought about the Magic name until I wrote this article. So what about those Jaguars?

Based on recent events, as well as actual team performance, perhaps the Jacksonville Power Outage (and the no-lie, we had a power surge AS I WAS WRITING THIS SENTENCE). Or the Blackouts, maybe. While Electrical Failure might be a bit long, Disruption isn't bad. Recent events would also make The Flood or Storm Surge viable, but I think it's too soon.

Of course, the best option is really to ask for a trade. Blake Bortles and some leftover electric generators to Carolina for Ryan Kalil, the Panthers name, and Sir Purr (the mascot). If you are really into alliteration or naming a team after an animal that hasn't lived in the region for 10,000 years, then the Jaguars are the best option, and congratulations.

Here's a list of some other animals Jacksonville could tap from prehistoric times: American Lion, Bear-Dog, Bison, Camel, Dire Wolf, Giant Capybara, Gomphothere, Giant Armadillo, Giant Beaver, Giant Short-Faced Bear, Glyptodont, Scimitar Cat, Giant Ground Sloth, Three-Toed Horse, Prehistoric Horses, Rhino, Giant Land Tortoise, Agatized Coral, Tapir, Peccary, Manatee, Dugong, Porpoise, Terror Bird, Prehistoric Sharks.  These are some way-awesome names!

Since I played baseball for The Milwaukee Beavers, I love the Giant Beaver idea. However, I also cannot argue with the Terror Birds or Scimitar Cats.