Thursday, February 16

Sometimes, It's Not The Neighbor's Cat That Scratches Your Car and Poops on the Roof

In a news story from the Friendliest Hometown in America, I learned that if your car has scratches on it and poop on the roof, you better check surveillance video. While you might suspect the neighbor's large outdoor cat, it's also possible it's some cat you know from work:

Hoopfer identified the man as Powell, “who he recognized from work.” It appeared the damage had taken place at about 10:30 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday. When questioned by police, Hoopfer theorized that Powell might have been provoked to commit the vandalism “over a girl.”

Under closer inspection of the home security video, the officer noted the man was wearing a white T-shirt and dark pants. The man kicked the driver’s side mirror and scratched the doors before climbing onto the roof of the vehicle, dropping his pants and defecating. After he jumped back to the ground, he again scratched the driver’s side of the vehicle. The officer noted that the man captured on surveillance had a towering presence and that Powell’s driver license information indicated he stands 6 feet, 5 inches tall.

Can you imagine that one? Instead of a large house cat or panther or even crazed alligator, it was a 6' 5"' human scratching and pooping on a car. That must be some girl the two guys are competing for. I suppose she should feel special, unlike the poor car. I'd like to tell the tall pooper dude to just move on and find a new girl in town, but I think the better advice is to move far away, maybe to somewhere that doesn't have internet service (Green Bank, West Virginia), since I'm sure someone has this surveillance video all set to go viral. 

I'm sure most of us have gotten drunk at a Super Bowl party, after having also eaten too much. Most of us poop on or near our own toilets (or ones in a 7-11). Maybe we puke on the neighbor's azalea bush or piss on the neighbor's miniature water fountain. But this is next-level drunken debauchery, dropping trou on the roof of a car. On the roof, not the hood or trunk. 

I also think it's funny that the police noted he was wearing dark pants and a white t-shirt. Too bad it wasn't a Tom Brady jersey because that's a guy who probably wants to poop on his ex-wife's Ferrari. Or a Wisconsin Badgers Najeh Davenport jersey because that's a guy who did "allegedly" poop in a random girl's dorm room laundry basket (which is not something anyone wants to wake up to).   

I guess there was a simpler time, before surveillance cameras, when you could get away with vandalizing all kinds of random or targeted cars, lawn ornaments, houses, and whatnot, without the worry of police critiquing your wardrobe and all of your friends watching you poop atop a car on social media. When you could say, "No, that wasn't us in your alley tossing eggs at your house," and the issue would be resolved, unless a neighbor saw you and wrote down your license plate number. Also, we all still have Covid masks sitting around somewhere, so remember to add that to your late-night-white-t-shirt-and-dark-pants wardrobe.   

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