Tuesday, August 7

Voting For Philip Levine Will Be The Best Thing I Ever Do?

Almost every summer of 2018 political ad is either pro-Trump or anti-Trump. Donald Trump is a lightning rod, but he has nothing to do with most local elections in Florida. I don't care if some Moody lady sued him for fraud or if Jeff Greene got into a shouting match with him at Mar a lago. The latest Phil Levine ad I saw attacked Trump a little bit, but it mostly just promoted Levine for something he did for Puerto Rico, ending with the mayor of San Juan telling me that if I vote for Levine, it will be the best thing I ever do. Uh, I hope not.


I'm sure Levine is a good guy, and there's even a chance he'd be a good governor. However, voting for Philip Levine in the Florida Democratic primary elections will certainly NOT be the best thing ANYONE ever does. I guess, maybe if Levine were to write each person who votes for him a $100,000 check, then maybe, but that's technically illegal and certainly unethical, so therefore not the best thing one could do. By the way, Uncle Phil could pay 1000 voters $100,000 and still have $30,000,000 left over for his retirement, so if he's offering...
Look at it this way: every single person who might vote for Levine has been on this earth for at least 18 years. If you have not done anything better than vote for a Democratic primary candidate in that time, then there's so much wrong in your life, and a new governor is not going to fix it. I mean, a really nice Mother's Day Card should beat out voting for Levine. Your first day joining the workforce. Your first date or kiss or whatevs. That A- you got in algebra or even gym class. Washing your car. Telling your grandpa you love him one final time. Holding a fart in while in a room full of classmates. And the list goes on and on.

Most of us probably did something better than vote for Levine by the time we were 10 years old. By ten, I had already gone out for Little League, gone on a family vacation to Canada, made a basket on a 10-foot hoop, seen Star Wars, ridden a mini-bike, learned to read, and tons of other "things" that all qualify as lifetime accomplishments that would be more satisfying than voting for Levine. 

The problem with saying voting for Levine will be the best thing I ever do for the primaries is kind of mind-numbing, since it doesn't even ensure the guy's going to win the general election. On top of that, I'm not a registered Democrat, so I legally CAN'T vote for Levine, meaning I have no chance whatsoever to do this  far, far better thing than I have ever done (Dickens). Sad (Trump).  Levine very well could lose to Ron DeSantis, making the best thing someone ever does into a total letdown, which is a depressing outcome for the best thing you could ever do. Of course, if you truly believe that voting for Philip Levine is the best thing you could ever do, by all means, get out there and vote for him. Take a selfie of yourself doing it so you can remember it for the rest of your quite fulfilling life.

And Phil, if you win the primary election and want to invest in a couple of votes from my household, I'll...oh wait, I just saw that Jeff Greene's a billionaire. That's millionaire with a B. Honestly, if I was a millionaire or billionaire, I can't imagine wanting to get into politics. I'd be getting into a freakin Ferrari and a beach chair.

[UPDATE]
Those of you who voted for Philip Levine in the 2018 Democratic Primary: that was definitely not the best thing you ever did. All 306,450 of you. Or 20% of voting Democrats. But you can be proud your candidate kicked Jeff Greene's ass. And Alex "Lundy" Lundmark. Please, please try to do something better as the best thing you ever do, starting today.