Thursday, June 6

I Hate to Disappoint Home Invaders, But...

A home invasion down in Eagle Landing (Oak Leaf Plantation) netted $140,000 that the owner had hidden in the attic. Three home invaders and a gun. Scary stuff.  I'm here to tell anyone planning a home invasion not to bother with my home. Apparently, the man whose home was invaded flaunted money on social media. Maybe he was one of those make money fast gurus. I'm not, so no money here, home invaders.

Starting with the attic (house and garage), I have plastic containers filled with old clothes and some old books that my wife told me to throw away. There's a grinder that blows circuit breakers, and a torch light that stopped working. Also, my bowling balls. And an old computer monitor. Total value? Maybe $15.

The rest of the house is pretty typical. I like my TV, but it only cost me around $500 new about a decade ago. XBox 360, anyone? Several Windows XP laptops, perhaps? So on and so forth.

We have some cars in the garage, I suppose, but most criminals don't bother with home invasions to steal cars. Apparently, they just go to local Jax dealerships to steal them. I have a nice freezer in the garage, too, filled with fairly healthy food that my wife bought at Trader Joe's and Earth Fare.

I'm not trying to trivialize home invasions. What I'm saying is that most people are like me, and most potential home invaders know this. It might be worth the time and effort to break in when I'm not home in order to rummage through the whole house and eat some leftovers/microwave some gnocchi from Trader Joe's. But you'd have to get past my two cameras and door with an added interior bolt that cannot be kicked in. Just to enjoy some frozen noodles.

I assume the assailants in most home invasions have a reason to target specific homes. Some people might own a business that deals in a lot of cash. Probably legal most of the time. The news said that people in the area are scared because it could have happened to anyone in the neighborhood. I mean, really? If it's true there's $100,000+ sitting in the attics of all the homes in Oak Leaf Plantation, there would be daily home invasions. I'm not lying. The average BANK robbery in 2015 only netted $4,000, according to the FBI.

If everyone in Oak Leaf Plantation has that kind of money sitting around in attics, you'd have Oceans Eleven heists, complete with con men, tech gurus, and immigrant acrobats. Plus, carloads of thugs would be lined up outside the neighborhood. Local gangs, Miami gangs, Atlanta gangs. Probably gangs from Chicago would show up.

Basically, our HOMES are probably worth around $140,000 in cash to most of us, assuming the bank owns the rest, even in fancy-pants Oak Leaf Plantation. Unless home invaders are going to break in and make you list your home for sale in order to then steal your profit, you don't have a lot to worry about. And home invaders, this is not me coming up with a new game plan for you.