Thursday, March 28, 2019

I Think I'll Run For President

With Florida Mayor Wayne Messam of Miramar announcing his intent to run for president, I believe we've come to a point when I can probably get into the race. My kids (who are not of voting age) always tell me that they'd vote for me if I ran. Messam just won the office of mayor of a town of 140,000 by getting about 6,000 votes, defeating an opponent who got less than 1,000. Percentage-wise, that's a big victory, but it's not really any more impressive than when you count the number of hits my articles have received on various websites over the years: over 1,000,000. If most of those people enjoyed reading my writing, I figure I have just as good a long shot as Messam to become president.




Since we're gambling legally on sports now, I suppose there are odds on Messam winning the presidency. Go ahead and throw a dollar in, because if he wins, you'll be a millionaire. It's probably a "look at me" publicity stunt. Even Bill Clinton, who was a long shot, was a governor of an entire state, winning 300,000 to 400,000 votes for a decade there. That's more votes than Democrats in Arkansas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Mississippi combined, so the buses must have also been running from Missouri and Tennessee.

Maybe Messam has a plan. Most of us would assume the plan would be to get good at governing your city, then become a congressman, then governor or senator, and then run. That's why most of our presidents are old geezers. I suppose his plan might be to be younger than the other candidates. Messam is 44, so he's no Ocasio-Cortez. But he's part of my generation, Generation X, and there's nothing wrong with that. Unless all you've accomplished is being a two-term mayor of a one-horse city and want to be president.

Anyhow, back to me. If I run for president, I think I'd go full animal on people at the debates. That's what the American people want. Calling women "little girls," calling the other men "little girls," and generally mocking all the other candidates. Basically, the formula that worked in the last election was to put down everything from both parties as something that did not work, say what you've got planned will be huge, and then avoid making any plans so that you don't have to lie about what you don't really have planned. But still lie, a lot, usually just to promote how great things are going. 

I don't generally tell lies, but if I was going to run for president, kind of on a lark, I think I could put the persona on. Read something online about a challenger, retell the lie. Read something online about me, claim the media lies all the time. Make up lies about current and past administrations. Make up people who have told me lies that I can repeat without being the person telling the lie. All good stuff. And nicknames. Like I'd say Messam is the Mess-man because he's made a mess of Miramar. Or I'd call his the Yess-man because he just follows someone else's orders, like special interests. Everyone hates special interests. Who's next, Pocahantas? Aouuuuuuuuu!

So there's probably a form I have to fill out somewhere in order to run, so I better get on that.