If You're Wearing the All Balls No Brains Shirt, You're Kind of Forced to be Like The Guy Who Would Wear That Shirt

While waiting for my own kids in the high school pick-up line, I've seen one student a couple of times. I notice the kid because he wears a shirt that reads, "All balls, no brains.” It's not as obviously ridiculous as the giant pickup with the obnoxious exhaust and "Don't tread on me" flag, but the young man is still making a claim he may not be able to back up when push comes to shove.

My dad used to wear a "Beach Bum" t-shirt. Once after a contentious baseball game, a kid from an opposing team said to my dad, "You've probably never been to the beach!" Touché. When several of my friends used to wear obligatory early-90s Big Johnson t-shirts, I probably told them, "You've never even seen a big Johnson." Basically, if you're trying to be awesome because of your ironic t-shirt, you've got to be ready to whip out your swimsuit. 

Just like the Big Johnson shirts, however, the All Balls shirts aren't meant to be literal. I'm sure a literal interpretation would be against dress code. It's also a silly visual because really old men with dimensia and sagging testicles represent a better literal interpretation of the moniker. But the meaning is the challenge of this message. This young man is saying he will do anything to demonstrate his coolness, and that's dangerous. Like, if you ask him to eat a stick of deodorant. Or bite the head off a small fish. Or jump down a flight of stairs. How can someone wearing such a bold message say that doing anything is just too stupid? 

I can only hope that his friends have the sense not to ask him to cook a NyQuil chicken or stuff marshmallows, nutmeg, or whey protein in his mouth. I hope they don't ask him to swim across local ponds or file his teeth to look like a vampire. The problem is that they are dumb teenagers (we've all been there), so if they can get someone to ride a bike blindfolded while wearing a tutu, they will.  Wouldn't you?

[UPDATE] 

I was watching an episode of MST3K from the early 90s when the host made fun of the No Fear t-shirts as a thing, and then I remembered this original version of the All Balls No Brains shirt. I guess No Fear is more unisex, at least. 

AAA Roadside Assistance Kinda Sketchy in Jacksonville

You can blame the pandemic or the recession or the great resignation, but my latest experience dealing with AAA in Jacksonville was quite a bit worse than my last, even though it did end up with me getting back on the road. Here's the story.

My car had an error code along with three hard starts leading up to the problem. The error code had to do with the oxygen sensor or catalytic converter, so I wrote the hard starts off as having to do with a failure in the emissions or exhaust system, which I was planning on addressing. Besides, the car started, just kind of weirdly. But that's all really besides the point, since my car was starting and running, and then it was dead: no start, clicking, lights flashing, etc. I had all the classic signs of a dead battery. I've owned about 20 cars in the last 30 years, and I've put new batteries in all of them, so I have seen the signs. The hard starts were not starter-going-bad starts, and I didn't have the gradual depletion associated with a bad alternator. Basically, I was 99% sure a jump would start my car.

The AAA experience for getting help is actually pretty good. You call the number or go online, they send you a text, you fill in a quick form, and then they send you a link to a map with your helper's location. Except this guy wasn't really on the map...it kept saying he was down in the Murray Hill area, 20 miles away. And then he was on the 95, and then at 45th and Moncrief. Then back in Murray Hill. I don't understand that. At some point, my jumper guy called and said he'd be 45 minutes. His name showed up as something like Milli Vanilli, so that's what I'll call him. Even though I couldn't track him on the map and he seemed to alternately be in Murray Hill and Moncrief Park, eventually, he just showed up. It took like an hour or hour-fifteen from when he called.

He was driving a little white car, but I don't recall seeing any AAA or other markings. Milli Vanilli jumped out of the car wearing an orange vest and knowing my name, so I figured he was legit. I popped the hood. He grabbed a handheld jump starter that seemed well-used, sporting some duct tape as a battle scar. The guy didn't have a flashlight, but he hooked the cables up and told me to give it a try. Almost. He played with the cables. Again. More playing with cables. I noticed the dome light never got much brighter as he screwed around under the hood, but he kept trying to find the right connection and telling me to try it. To me, it didn't seem like his jump starter had enough juice, or maybe there was corrosion in the cables. But Milli Vanilli was the professional AAA sent me. 

When he declared he'd give it one more shot by ALSO hooking his own car to the battery, I wondered if he'd ever done that one before. I sure had never tried two charging sources for a jump, and I'm not even sure that it would help. It didn't. 

Milli Vanilli then told me it wasn't the battery and I would need a tow. He said he wasn't a mechanic but it might be the alternator. I told him it was the battery and maybe his jumper was weak, but then he got a bit in my face and said his jump starter could start a semi. Taking it any further would not have helped me, so I just went back to my car as he angrily unhooked all his charging devices. He told me I'd have to call AAA again to start a new request, now two hours into my ordeal.

I started the process again, requesting a tow. AAA said I'd get it at 7:42 am, about an hour after I should have been running my kids to school. But now it was after midnight. Just me and several homeless folks hanging out in a parking lot. Since I had a dead battery, it took a full minute of playing with the window to get it to go back up so I could lock the car and try Walmart for a portable charger. 

Just as I was heading to Walmart, however, Ryan called. He was the tow truck driver, but he also asked about what was happening with the battery. I described the situation, and he said he'd give the battery a shot before towing me. Apparently, my basic AAA plan got me 5 miles of towing, so I would owe $85 on a tow to my house from 20 miles. Luckily, Ryan was only 30 minutes away rather than the 7 hours estimated by AAA.

Ryan showed up with a light, a battery cleaning kit, and tools. He made sure the connections were good, got his jumper out, hooked it up properly, and jumped the car on the first try. Since he was heading back my direction, he followed me home to make sure I made it, which both of us knew wasn't totally necessary as the alternator was working properly (he checked). Ryan had also shown up on the map when I requested him, and I followed him all the way to my location. So he was professional from start to finish, just two hours later than I wanted.

What's crazy is that Milli Vanilli only exists in order to help people with battery, tire, and gas issues. He's not a mechanic, and I appreciate that, but it would be good if he could properly assess and then jump a dead battery. It's like if he worked at McDonald's and his only job was to put the fries in the fryer, get them out when it beeps, and salt them, but he kept forgetting the dang salt. And then telling the customer that he knows salt and salt's not the problem.

I'm not saying that the next time I have a battery situation and need AAA that I'll ask for a tow truck right away, but it's tempting if those are the only employees who know what they're doing. Also, I'm not totally sure what was wrong with Milli Vanilli's efforts, since Ryan was so thorough. Was it a bad charger and a stupid idea to add his car to the series, a bad cable, or battery corrosion? I've had all three issues in the past. I'm somewhat responsible if my battery was corroded, but I think that's part of car jumping 101. That and having a flashlight.

If you have AAA and need roadside assistance, I wish you the best of luck. If you get a call from Milli Vanilli saying he's on his way, you're going to need it.

Queen's Harbour Doesn't Immediately Lower Flags for Queen's Death

The Queen of Great Britain recently died. I know because my daughter told me. And it was in my wife's news feed. And our governor said flags in Florida would be lowered to half-staff, so I wouldn't assume it was another mass shooting. But if I'd been a resident of Her Majesty's namesake neighborhood, Queen's Harbour, I may not have known, since flags there remained at full-mast (if that's the hyphenated word for it). For two full days, at least.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in a monarchy. While I don't wish any monarch dead, I also don't really see Queen Elizabeth II as any more important than some other 96-year-old at the local nursing home. As Billy Shakespeare said, and I'm paraphrasing, monarchs return to dust just like the peasants. Eaten by worms and all that.

I guess the American peasants in Queen's Harbour are telling the British Monarchy that it's not legitimate by refusing to fly the flag at half-mast. Since we're all finally equal in death, why bother honouring the Queen at Queen's Harbour, right? I tend to agree, but I am kind of surprised. If any pretend-English-nobility neighbourhood in Jacksonville should have its American flag flying low for the old British bag, it's Queen's Harbour. Unless, of course, it was really named after Queen Isabella of Spain during the Spanish rule of Florida. Or maybe it was named for Queen Elizabeth I back when the Brits had Florida. I don't really know how old the neighbourhood is because I'm not allowed in.

Florida Universities and Colleges for Bright Futures - Cost Analysis

I created this list of colleges and universities in Florida when I learned about Bright Futures and was trying to see if my kids could afford to win the scholarship. Living on-campus or paying local rent/transportation is not as cheap as you might imagine, and since I created this analysis in May of 2021, rent has probably gone up in most places. That said, we can assume rent has gone up proportionally, and the affordability should still be similar as a comparison. 

Rankings were also from 2020-2021. These don't tend to change drastically, but it's always possible. I went from top-ranked to lowest-ranked, since my kids were interested in the "best" colleges and universities in Florida. I'm sure most of them are fine, and if it makes sense based on rent or sports or major fields of study, I think my kids can do well at any of the campuses. 

For us in Jacksonville, room and board would be free for UNF or using Bright Futures to get two years at FSCJ. However, FSCJ is unranked. Also, my kids claim they want the college experience. Maybe your kids prefer the college experience over free rent at home. It's worth seeing what that will mean for their student loans. I don't think there will be another loan bailout for kids entering college now, so it's important to know how to manage costs. That's why I also provide a handy cost-estimator at the start of the college list. If you share rent costs with other people or choose a dorm, you can do it all a little cheaper. Even at the low $500 a month rent, however (no food), "free" Florida college will cost $24,000. Add $3,000 a year for food alone, and you're looking at $36,000 college costs if you're very budget-minded (assuming your parents were offering free room and board for comparison). Dorm estimates do include room and board, but only Gainesville was slightly under $15,000 per year as of 2021. 

Florida colleges and universities

Rankings via US News and World Report 

Rent using Rentcafe or *Zumper, Apartments.com, or other. Rentcafe may use average for all rent rather than 1 bedroom or studio like some of the others, 

Rent Cost Estimator

500/month x 12 months x 4 years = 24,000

1000/month x 12 months x 4 years = 48,000 

1500/month x 12 months x 4 years = 72,000

Dorm (room, board, books, and expenses - collegefactual.com)

10000/yr x 4 years = 40,000 ; 15,000/yr x 4 years = 60,000

University of Florida

Gainesville

Ranking 30

1,325/mo local rent

14,830 / yr on-campus

Florida State University

Tallahassee

Ranking 58

1,288/mo local rent

16,790 / yr on-campus

University of South Florida

Tampa

Ranking 103

1,432/mo local rent

17,036 / yr on-campus

University of Central Florida

Orlando

Ranking 160

1,432/mo local rent

16,180/ yr on-campus

Florida International University

Miami

Ranking 187

1,754/mo local rent

17,300/ yr on-campus

Florida A&M University

Tallahassee

Ranking 241

1,288/mo local rent

17,648/ yr on-campus

Florida Atlantic University

Boca Raton

Ranking 272

2,127/mo local rent

20,580/ yr on-campus

University of North Florida

Jacksonville

Ranking 272

1,173/mo local rent

New College of Florida

Sarasota

Ranking 82 in colleges

1,473/mo local rent

Pensacola State College

Pensacola

Ranking 30 regional colleges s

1,081/mo local rent

South Florida State College

Avon Park

Ranking 37 regional colleges s

662*/mo local rent

University of West Florida

Pensacola

Ranking 36 regional university s

1,081/mo local rent

Florida Gulf Coast University

Ft. Myers

Ranking 68 regional university s

1,333/mo local rent

St. Petersburg College

St. Petersburg

Ranking 68 regional colleges s

1,443/mo local rent

Seminole State College of Florida

Sanford

Ranking 70-91 regional colleges s

1,223/mo local rent

Broward College

Ft. Lauderdale

Unranked

2,056/mo local rent

Chipola College

Marianna

Unranked

550*/mo local rent

College of Central Florida

Ocala

Unranked

1,167/mo local rent

Daytona State College

Daytona Beach

Unranked

1,187/mo local rent

Eastern Florida State College

Cocoa 

Unranked

853/mo local rent

Florida Gateway College

Lake City

Unranked

699*/mo local rent

Florida Keys Community College

Key West

Unranked

1,600*/mo local rent

Florida Polytechnic University

Lakeland

Unranked

1,164/mo local rent

Florida SouthWestern State College

Ft. Myers

Unranked

1,333/mo local rent

Florida State College--Jacksonville

Jax

Unranked

1,173/mo local rent

Gulf Coast State College

Panama City

Unranked

1,126/mo local rent

Indian River State College

Ft. Pierce

Unranked

941*/mo local rent

Lake-Sumter State College

Leesburg

Unranked

958/mo local rent

Miami Dade College

Miami

Unranked

1,754/mo local rent

North Florida Community College

Madison

Unranked

725*/mo local rent

Northwest Florida State College

Niceville

Unranked

993/mo local rent

Palm Beach State College

Palm Beach Gardens

Unranked

2,002/mo local rent

Pasco-Hernando State College

New Port Richey

Unranked

1,062/mo local rent

Polk State College

Winter Haven

Unranked

1,052/mo local rent

Saint Johns River State College

Palatka

Unranked

933/mo local rent

Santa Fe College

Gainesville

Unranked

1,325/mo local rent

State College of Florida--Manatee-Sarasota

Bradenton, Venice, Lakewood Ranch

Unranked

1,342/mo local rent

Tallahassee Community College

Tallahassee

Unranked

1,288/mo local rent

Valencia College

Orlando

Unranked

1,432/mo local rent

Coolest Street in Jacksonville

I get news and weather updates from Boston once in a while. I'm not sure why. Anyhow, a recent story from Bean Town says that one of its iconic streets has been named one of the 33 coolest streets in the world. The travel website TimeOut is so cool that it chose 33 instead of 25 or 50. So Newbury Street in Boston is cool. It has the best new restaurants, funkiest speakeasies and chic-est boutique hotels in Boston. But what about Jacksonville? What's our coolest street?

San Marco Boulevard, San Marco

Old-timey shops and whatnot, walkable. Nice. Pretty.

Park Street, Riverside

Bars and nightlife. Where the cool kids go to be seen, at least the ones who maybe also think they are intellectuals. 

St. Johns Avenue, Avondale

Fancy area with neat shops and restaurants.

Bay Street

So maybe a couple of bars and drunk people wandering after a game or concert.

1st Street,  The Beaches

So there's a big gap between Atlantic Beach and Jacksonville Beach along 1st Street, but it's bike-able. AB Town Center on Atlantic is a neat little area. Jacksonville Beach is perfect for trust-fund kids out carousing. And the beach is a few steps away.

Town Center Parkway

Ha ha ha ha ha! The St. Johns Town Center is so frustratingly horribly planned that it's amazing to me that it has remained so popular. All the fancy stores you could want packaged in an un-walkable, nearly un-driveable outdoor mall. You can sit in traffic on Town Center Parkway and see most of the stores, wishing you had the kind of job that could afford you the time and that Audi S8 parked at Nordstrom's during normal work hours for the rest of us. 

Vermanth Road

I was told by a friend that Vermanth Road in Arlington is the only so-named street in the United States. If that's true, then only about 65 households live on a street by that name, and that's pretty cool. That said, it's just a normal few blocks in Arlington, so it may not seem that cool unless you know how unique it is.

Moncrief

I once heard someone from Jacksonville talking to someone from Atlanta, and the guy from Atlanta said something about Moncrief, so the dude from Jacksonville was like, "You know Moncrief?" And the cat from Atlanta was all, "People all over know about Moncrief." I guess that's cool? But I wouldn't really suggest you go and check it out. Just ask someone.

Google's Finally Killing SEO, Again

I barely bother reading articles about SEO anymore. I never got great at manipulating the system, and I've always been frustrated by the amount of real work I've put into my writing compared to SEO wizards. On top of that, I've heard for years that Google's Search was finally demoting the poorly-written, seo-heavy content that often outperforms my own articles. But one day before I read yet again that Google was defeating SEO optimization, I was sucked into reading an article that had clearly been computer-generated. Looking back on my week, I'd say more like one article a day had been either reworded or generated by some kind of SEO program. Supposedly, Google is going to fix this. Again.

I remember talking to a wealth SEO lady a few years back who sold businesses on mostly useless articles and click funnels. She was rich because Google allowed her to manipulate the searches, and she had happy clients who benefited from her SEO wizardry, while I sat there wondering why no one was even reading some of my best articles. And the ones people did read never made me any affiliate money. Of course, I've always written on what interests me rather than on what I believed could get me click funnel victims, so there's that. Still, her wealth and how she made it bothered me, with Google seemingly endorsing her techniques. Right before that business meeting, I'd read SEO was getting a crackdown on Google Search. But I'd read the same thing several years earlier, when I first tried to build my own business. Since then, I think I see more useless, computer-generated or third-party content. More click-bait as real news in my feed. More SEO millionaires.

Sometimes the best article on a subject is on some old Angelfire website written by someone who's been dead a decade. However, anyone can take that top article and rewrite it with SEO wording and photos in order to steal the top spot without any authority, personal experience, or intent to help others. Maybe the new Google Search update will finally figure out why most of us ought to be disappointed with our search results and news feeds, but I won't believe it this time any more than the other times I've heard the same rhetoric.

If a lawn care business out of Houston or an HVAC company out of Massachusetts have the best articles about why my grass is dying or whether I should buy a heat pump, I'm fine with those results, but I'd probably prefer a good local article. I know local doesn't always exist, and most HVAC companies want you to hire them rather than give free advice, but when the top articles are useless or stolen (and some good ones are buried a few pages deep), it shows that Google still has an SEO problem. One that I can only hope gets resolved.

Shop Click Bait and Switch - Buying A Chevy Online 2022

A couple years ago, car dealerships and auto manufacturers were begging me to buy a car, so I obliged. Then the manufacturing of new cars slowed down. Then the prices of used cars exploded. But in late summer 2022, our family needed another car. With sky-high used car prices and low inventory, I decided to buy another new vehicle. I chose the Chevy Equinox because it was the only car in America with a decent incentive going (which means no one else in the country was terribly excited about this car). With two years of refinement, I figured the Chevy website or local dealerships had gotten better at the whole online shopping thing. Not even close.

I had a special case because I was going to use a special GM discount. Some dealerships allowed me to choose this discount when I tried to use the online purchasing tool. Others implied I needed to call first in order to use it. Still others did not even suggest they would take the discount at all. But since the savings was worth the effort, I ended up contacting many of the dealerships. I believe the eventual winner of my money didn't even have the option for me to say I had a GM discount. That's a good surprise, while most of the Shop Click Buy experience was full of negative surprises.

By the way, and before I describe the real challenges I faced using the Chevy online buying tool, I wanted to say that I ended up buying our Equinox from Tom Gibbs Chevrolet in Palm Coast because the dealership honored the GM discount, answered my emails, sent me an offer in writing, and didn't add all the silly items I didn't need for huge fees. Basically, I got the published deal. Plus, I was even able to reserve my car with the deal I wanted, whereas most other dealers that even allowed the GM discount told me it was only good on current inventory. So Tom Gibbs gets my new car business going forward.

Back to the other guys. Most of them were very similar. I think locally, Beaver was the worst for "Market Adjustment," meaning it was the dealership that gouged buyers the worst online. That's not to say some of the other dealerships wouldn't try something once you got to the store. For example, Coggin added lock nuts and other crap to some kind of Coggin Crap Package that was not optional. It wasn't as bad as the Dirty Beaver Market Adjustment, but it was slightly annoying. Nimnicht seemed to think it had a Corvette Z06 with the Equinox that hadn't sold in two months on the lot, refusing to respond to my emails that asked for MSRP minus GM discount. And though their market adjustment wasn't terrible, I was told by a salesman that he'd never heard of them honoring a GM worker discount. That's a slap in the face, right? You work for 30 years for a company, get their stupid low-points credit card, save up for a new car, and then get told by nearly half the dealerships that your hard-earned discount is no good with them.

The most frustrating part of trying to buy the Equinox was the Chevy online tool, however, because it would promise MSRP pricing and often GM discounts, only to eventually tell me to contact the dealer before I could Click and Buy. But that wasn't the point of going mostly online with the shopping. The point was to avoid the sleazy salesmen at the stealerships, except the system just seemed to allow more of them to hide in plain sight.

I even contacted GM about the horrible customer experience of being able to basically buy the car I wanted online and then being told the clicked deal was not valid. The response was that they understood but it's new and not guaranteed. So no response. It wasn't new, and any other online shopping site that lets you get to the point of seeing all the numbers (even tax and other fees) is fully-functional. That means the online tool was being used by every dealership except Tom Gibbs within 150 miles of Jacksonville (my range) as a Bait and Switch ad to get unsuspecting consumers in the door. Making it even worse than before Covid. I tried to buy a car back then, and all I had to deal with was unresponsive salespeople, not an online click funnel designed to convince me I could get a deal that isn't really being offered.

I want to be clear that not all the dealerships were dishonest. About half of them said I couldn't really create my deal on the website, or didn't allow me to choose the GM discount. And a lot of dealerships were only adding about $1000 in unnecessary crap, which isn't all that bad considering others were jacking up prices or not allowing GM discount or claiming to allow it and then pulling the rug out from under me.

If you are a former GM employee in the Jacksonville area, make sure you try Tom Gibbs in Palm Coast first. You can also decide to give the others a try, since they might be more amenable when it isn't as much of a seller's market. But I won't bother with the other dealerships or with the online tool until there are guarantees that the deal I see is the deal I get.

Jacksonville Light Boat Parade 2021 Disappointment

There are times in life when you're glad you didn't invite family to come visit you. We've had a few of those experiences in Jacksonville, our latest being the 2021 Light Boat Parade. Our first and likely last time seeing the parade, even though all the locals have told us it's a must-see.

The boat parade is one of those local traditions we'd heard about ever since we moved here. Prior holiday disappointments had included the Christmas lifeguard chairs and the 4th of July at Jax Beach. But this isn't just a chair decorating/advertising event or a drunken college party. It was one of Jacksonville's true showcase events, like the Christmas tree at The Landing. Wait, that was also a local holiday disappointment--a tree in a half-empty mall thingy filled with homeless panhandlers.

But Jacksonville is bold, and we've moved past The Landing and toward a homeless park rather than a homeless mall. I didn't check out the local vendors at the park formerly known as The Landing because I was sure word had gotten out in the homeless community that a lot of folks with cash might be there. Also, I didn't need to buy a hot tub or beach-view art work painted in someone's garage studio. 

We chose a spot on the Southbank riverwalk to view the parade. We also brought our dog, which was a mistake, as the riverwalk was mostly full when we got there. Not realizing that you're supposed to bring chairs and huge strollers to block the walkway, we sat on a curb a little ways west of the DCPS building. We got there with maybe 15 minutes to spare, but we seemed to have some of the last public seats available. We felt like we'd made it. I might have even demanded high-fives from the fam.

But then nothing happened. We sat there until the official start time and we saw one or two boats cruising back and forth to get to a presumable starting location, but no parade. The guy next to me, who wore a walkie-talkie, came to sit with his family and said there was a delay, but his communication device never provided an update, nor did he (and his job there seemed to literally be to sit with his family).

Eventually, my daughter and I headed back to the car to get water for the dog. We figured if we missed the first wave across the river, wed at least see the boats up close on our side. But we got back to our seats and still no parade. In fact, families with young ones were starting to leave for their cars when we returned. The dog was restless, the kids were restless, and the wife was disappointed. We decided to walk the riverwalk further west in order to move and maybe see some boats sooner in the eventual parade, since it starts on the north side and then meanders over to the south. 

The people who'd been sitting for more than an hour did love seeing our dog along the route, probably because they were trying to entertain themselves and their poor kids. That kind of made it a nice walk. Plus, it was cool to see all the people who wanted to participate in a well-run community event. Too bad they were all as disappointed as we'd become. 

Based on our photos, I'd say the first boats that made the route along the northbank and back to the southbank arrived around 7:30, making it an hour-and-a-half wait for us. Much more for the seat-saving folks. I later learned that someone in city government whose sole task that day was probably to have the railroad bridge in the proper position had not done the job. That person was probably sitting in the crowd with his/her family and a turned-off walkie talkie. Speaking of which, the worker who sat next to us and had his own walkie talkie did not know why there was a delay and didn't receive a single communication while he was sitting there for an hour. You'd think somebody would have got on the horn and asked if anyone knew how to fix the bridge situation.

So we sat there a long time, which probably affected our expectations and subsequent disappointment. It was a parade of drunk wealthy people just as interested in showing off their boats as any light displays. Most of the displays were half-assed, and I know because that's how I do my own Christmas lights. At least all the rich folks were having fun on their boats, and that's really the point, right?

If you're new to the area, I guess you have to try the light parade at least once. I'm sure it won't start late for you. As for us, we had to leave early because the dog and kids were restless. And the wife. Me too, really, since it felt like we'd just witnessed the first awkward attempt at a mass public event rather than a yearly tradition pumped up by all the locals.

Lest I lament without suggestions, I would recommend the Girvin Christmas light experience. And we also did a gingerbread house/ historic house tour thing that wasn't bad in some half-abandoned part of downtown (I know, that's most of downtown). The Christmas lights put on by the Shriners is gone now to make way for apartments or a shopping center, but they were also borderline ok. If you like lots and lots of white lights on really old buildings, then St. Augustine is your jam for the holidays.

Should I Support the Duval County Public Schools Referendum Version 2022?

Even though my kids were attending a private school when the last referendum for Duval Schools came a begging, I voted for it because the schools were in need of maintenance and improvements. However, two years later and now two kids in a Duval County school, I have seen ZERO facilities upgrades. My kids' school has $24 million to spend, but this was the second summer in a row without a single brick being laid for the $12 million new classrooms to get my kids out of portables. I'm not sure if I can vote for the new referendum if the district can't spend the money it currently has to make schools better.

Here's what DCPS says the new money will provide: 

"65% of the revenue would be used to supplement teacher pay, 12.5% would be used for arts and athletic programs at public schools, 12.5% would go to charter schools, and 10% would go to pay increases for district staff."

To me, it looks like a total of 75% will go to teacher or staff pay/raises. I taught in the district for a year, and I'd say it's deserved, but as a parent with two kids in core classes illegally stuffed to the gills, I'd rather see more core teachers than more pay for gym teachers. If the referendum would guarantee reduced core class sizes, I'd vote yes and maybe even work in the district again.

I'm all for arts and athletics. However, I'd again ask if that means more teams and student participation or just new art tables and uniforms. My daughter just missed making a JV team last year for a sport that cut more than a dozen freshmen and could have had a freshman team. Maybe 12.5% more money would have made that team possible, but I don't know. 

I can unequivocally say that I can't support 12.5% of my extra tax burden to fund charter schools. These schools compete for students and funding while rewarding suspect for-profit companies that mostly prove that pilfering a district's best students results in good schools.

So there you have my opinion on the 2022 DCPS tax referendum. If I knew it supported core teachers, more sports participation, and better public schools, I'd vote yes in a heartbeat. I'd like to say I trust DCPS to spend millions of dollars wisely, but the lack of transparency in how or when the last referendum money is being spent leads me to believe this money may be better off in my own pocket.

Jax Local Ad of the Week: Milano's For Easter

Milano's is no stranger to being the local ad of the week. Its Valentine's Day ad from 2021 was a classic, but this new Easter ad is also an awesome example of ads that don't quite make sense but do make you want some Italian food. Let's see if we can identify everything odd about this photo. 

Forks and knives

Part of the fun of eating pizza is getting to shove it in your mouth with your hands. This family, however, seems to be intent on eating pizza with utensils. It's borderline child abuse to be cutting up pizza into bite-sized pieces for the kids, but it's downright un-American for Mom and Dad to be eating it that way. Do they think they're dining with the Queen of England? 

Weddings

It's perfectly OK for this family to have a kid without being married. However, parents who force their child to eat pizza with a fork and knife should be prepared for all kinds of badgering from the child if they continue to live in sin. I suppose it's plausible that Mom takes her wedding ring off to eat pizza, but that would make a lot more sense if she actually used her hands to eat it.

 

Fresh fruit

A basket of fresh fruit is a pretty good indicator that this meal is being eaten at home rather than in the restaurant. That's sort of odd, right? If I wanted to show that I made some good food at my house, I'd show my family enjoying a meal at our kitchen table (or even at the patio picnic table we never use), but I don't think I'd show us eating our home-cooked meal at the beach. Anyhow, there's fruit, but that's not the only odd thing...

Cut fruit

The oranges in the fruit basket are CUT! Nobody has any fruit on their plates, so the assumption is that this family cuts oranges and then puts them back in the fruit basket to spill sticky orange juice all over the other fruits until morning. Or...

OJ

Speaking of orange juice, that seems to be the drink of choice. Fresh squeezed, perhaps?

I have to assume that if you were to poll a million people asking them what their favorite drink with pizza would be, exactly zero would choose orange juice. While some beers are slightly orangy in color, I can't imagine a family that forces a kid to eat pizza with utensils and keeps a basket of fresh fruit stocked is going to pour a pint of  Brew Free! Or Die Blood Orange IPA for the little girl. So they all drink orange juice or maybe orange soda with cut-up pizza.

Weird salad utensil

I know it's hard to see dimension in a photo, but the salad utensil looks like a wooden spoon turned sideways. Or a wooden spear. Neither of these utensils would be great at serving salad, which might be why no one seems to have eaten any salad. It's possible this family eats super-healthy, so it might be salad and cut oranges for dessert.

Last supper seating

Personally, I enjoy sitting across from my wife. This was especially useful when the kids were little disasters throwing food and making messes. I could watch the chaos from my relaxing spot on my side of the table. This family, however, all sit on one side of the table, like in The Last Supper by da Vinci. I guess it's an Italian thing, but Mom has to reach over her daughter to get to the fruit, while Dad had to reach over her to get to the 'za.

Whole pizza still there

Speaking of the pizza, either this family served itself from the far side of the box (which makes little sense given their seating positions), or there's a whole pizza sitting in front of them as they each eat one single piece from another box? I'll give this one the benefit of the doubt and assume they spun the pizza around after taking pieces from the side not seen in the photo, but no one really does that. Also, the kid is eating s slice of pizza that has something green (spinach?) and what look like onions. Possible? Yes. Probable? No.

Disappearing cabinets in ephereal bricks

If you look close at the background, this family meal gets really freaky. There's a fancy kitchen counter with a bottle of wine (or maybe champagne for mimosas). Then the brick backsplash. Then, right behind Dad's head, an upper cabinet exists and disappears into a brick wall. Is this brick wall in the real restaurant, implying the family is both at home and in Milano's? Are they stuck between two dimensions? Do they have a faux brick sheet hanging from the ceiling? Maybe it's some kind of empty tomb metaphor because this is an Easter ad. Wine into orange juice and extra slices of pizza. 

I can't explain it, but I also love this ad because of how complicated someone decided to make it. Honestly, I'm not sure I'll ever see another ad with this much strange going on that also looks perfectly normal on the surface. I just imagine the photo shoot filled with a bunch of artsy Gen Zers who have never had a family meal and never cook anything that can't be microwaved. This is what young people in the ad world imagine a family dinner to be, and the decisions that went into the ad reflect a society where families don't eat together or all the members are on their devices and not paying attention to what's even on the table. My family, for example, would have some napkins, parmesan cheese, and red pepper flakes, but these marketing pros settled on a fruit basket.

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Related Stories Jax Local Ad of the Week: Milano's for Valentine's Day Jax Local Ad of the Week: Those Krazy Kids  Jax Local Ad of the Week: Beachside Swimwear and Gifts

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Another Year, Another Pitbull Story

I think it's been about a year since I wrote my last anti-pitbull article, so it's probably good that I saw my neighbor/attack-dog owner as a reminder that I don't like pitbulls. By association, I don't really like their owners very much. If you own a pitbull, you also don't like me because my opinion is that they should be turned in like AR-15s to either be destroyed or used in special military operations.

Anyhow, I saw my neighbors new pitbull, purchased or "adopted" after his other killer dog had already attacked our dog. And the new one looks like a pitbull you'd see in an actual pit, fighting other dogs. Whereas the neighbor feigned innocence with the other dog, saying it was a mixed breed dog and not a pitbull, the new one is 100% pure-bred trashy pitbull. Every so often I see a pitbull owner who also picks up a beagle or cocker spaniel or some other scared-to-death breed in order to seem a bit more civilized, but the folks who initially pretend to own a mixed-breed, harmless dog and then go out and add a giant pitbull to the household are really special. The thinking is that your other pitbull only viciously attacked another dog once, so it makes total sense to double the chances for another attack. Or a mean dog needs a mean friend. Or that you really like your dog even if it's a menace, so you should adopt another one?

I do understand that since the average income level of pitbull owners is lower than the rest of us, it would seem to make sense to adopt your next dog from the humane society. Of course, 90% of the dogs at the Jax Humane Society are pitbulls, so there you go. I actually wondered how many times the same pitbull ends up in a humane society for adoption. I mean, the people who had the dog from a puppy decided it was too much to handle, so I can't imagine some old lady with a kind heart will figure out how to control a six-year-old killing machine.

Also, this year when we went to the veterinarian, he was nursing a hand wound that would not stop bleeding. He volunteered that he'd been bit by a pitbull. Without us asking or assuming. He didn't blame bad owners (like some people do) or unwarranted reputations. He just said some breeds are worse than others. And he was right.

Always remember that everyone who does not own a pitbull judges you if you do. That includes your homeowner's insurance company. Owning a pitbull is like ear gauging or face tattoos: it probably seems really cool until most people are scared of you.

I know, that's the whole point. You have a small paycheck or other appendage, and you're compensating. It doesn't work. Get a hella hot girlfriend or stupid big pickup truck instead. Or a jet ski or Rogaine or new false teeth. You could even adopt a kid from Bulgaria or purchase Jaguars season tickets. There are all kinds of ways to prove you have some culture and a little extra spending money, but owning a pitbull is not one of them.

If you want to see the available pitbulls for adoption, take a look here. The list includes other dogs available, but it will mostly be pitties because those are the ones that people don't want but our city refuses to send elsewhere. 

Tag em and Bag em, Jacksonville

Moving to Florida, I noticed that more abandoned cars littered the roadway than other places I'd lived. At first, I assumed this was a result of more tourism, more poverty, or hotter weather. However, after living here for several years, I've come to the conclusion that we've got more abandoned cars because of policy as much as any other factor, and that policy should probably be updated.

I drive the same route every day, just like many of us who commute to work. I've noticed that the same abandoned vehicle sits at the side of the highway for several days, especially if it's just parked and not in obvious distress. However, these parked vehicles represent a major crash hazard if someone needs to swerve into the shoulder. I've even seen some abandoned vehicles on I-95 that didn't fit on the tiny shoulders and ended up in the traffic lane. I've seen plenty of vehicles right at on-ramps or off-ramps, too.

 The policy seems to be to give these vehicles at least two days to be moved before they are towed away, but I'd say that they ought to be removed immediately if there's any chance an accident could be caused. And there's always that chance. The policy should be to give an abandoned vehicles owner until the next rush hour to move it or lose it. If your car breaks down at 7am, then it's got to be gone by 2pm. Or make it a blanket six hours from the time it's tagged.

Even the actual tagging of abandoned vehicles is pretty poorly done around here. Most vehicles that are well off the road or have been in an obvious accident receive an orange tag. A tag lets the rest of us drivers know the situation has been acknowledged by the authorities and we don't need to stop to help out. Every abandoned vehicle should be tagged as a courtesy to those of us who wish to be good Samaritans if needed. When I was in St Johns County on a recent weekend evening, I came across a vehicle that had run off of Highway 1 in the fog. I circled back in order to check it out (parking and exiting my own car in the fog), but no one was in the car. I later called to police department only to find out it was a known abandoned vehicle. That means I endangered myself and other drivers in the fog in order to attempt to help someone who was long gone. Yes, I could have called the sheriff from a safe location a mile away before investigating, but if someone had been injured behind the wheel, it made more sense to stop to see. And I probably wasn't the only passerby to check out the crash scene that had not been tagged to let us know there was nothing to be done. But if I was the only one who stopped, that's kind of sad and scary for those of us who might someday need someone's help. Moving cars as soon as possible, or at least tagging them, makes a lot more sense than what seems to be the current practice in Northeast Florida.