New Jax Witty

Saturday, April 4

Satan to Pay Rick Scott For Connect Reemployment System

the devil enjoys Florida's Connect website

Satan enjoys tormenting souls

When I read that Rick Scott spent $77.9 million for the Connect system, I wanted to know how one goes about procuring a contract like that. In its current form, no state would pay $77.90 for such a system. I wish the state would pay me for the hours I spent trying to submit my unemployment, but I guess the whole point of the system to prevent any payments from ever being made. Since the horrendous experience is fresh in my mind, I'll go through a few of the intricacies that made the Connect system worthy of the Prince of Darkness.

Coronavirus Family Activity: Filing For Unemployment Like it's 1999

Florida Reemployment Assistance Program Website on mobile

[UPDATE] This article was originally written before Captain Ron DeSantis said the problem was fixed by adding 70 servers and probably spending hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, I had the exact same problems AFTER the fix that was supposed to increase the capacity by so much. Great job, Florida.

If you want to see a time machine, head on over to Florida's Department of Economic Opportunity website, and the Connect pages you need to use to file for unemployment. I assume the website was developed back around the time Al Gore invented the internet, and that was the case well before the Covid-19 crisis.

Did DeSantis Just Reopen Churches?

Buried in all the Safer at Home orders today was a nugget that I almost couldn't believe. First, Jacksonville jumped the gun to issue a local order that apparently kept ammo shops open as an essential business, though I did not see the local Jax order on churches, most of which had already gone totally online.

The article I found about the Jacksonville order was updated to follow the national list of essential businesses, since the state order was said to follow the national list. Sorry, gun shops (I think). But there was still the first DeSantis Safer at Home order I saw that appeared to keep open or reopen churches, as long as people practice social distancing.

Churches are totally and completely non-essential, especially when we can get our services online. Yes, people are worried and scared, and maybe pastors could spend their free time calling members, but allowing church services to go on is the wrong decision. Plagues over the years never stopped at church doors, and this virus will not be kept out of services in Florida.

I'm hoping the opening of churches was a typo. If not, just don't go. It's probably one of the best places to spread disease, especially to older people. You can read the Bible and watch the services at home.

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Coronavirus Family Activity: Decorate for Easter / Puzzles

This is a dual activity for your family during the Covid-19 outbreak. Since no one should be visiting your house, this is your chance to decorate it however you want. This might include the most ridiculous Easter decorations, but it might also include setting up a puzzle or activity table right there in the living room. No one cares. The Queen of England is not coming over to inspect your house, so take this chance to live like it.

Coronavirus Family Activity: Camping Out

I'll begin this with my usual diatribe about why I hate camping. The human race has spent ions perfecting our dominion over nature, so why would I want to be sweaty/dirty/freezing/smelly/buggy/sleepless? I wouldn't, but I camped out for several years because my son wanted to be in Cub Scouts. Covid-19 and staying at home has provided our family with the perfect opportunity to use our camping equipment, even if not all of us actually spend the night in the tent.

Even if you are being forced to shelter in place, you have to get outside. Eventually, you might not venture any further than your own yard, but if there aren't strict rules, you can at least take a walk through your neighborhood. The only problem with having a dog who loves long walks is that you might get bored not having parks or beaches available. Our family decided to venture out to a new neighborhood for a walk before (and in case) the shelter in place order comes to Jax.

Bulk Commercial Toilet Paper Solution

Maybe we weren't totally out of toilet paper, and maybe the stores were going to catch up with all the hoarding. But we were running somewhat low, and I sure didn't want to have to use alternative solutions that might clog up the plumbing, so I got to searching online. Plus, if we could get TP delivered, then we would not have to worry about hanging out at the store with hundreds of people in order to find one item.

Online Church ... Now What?

Your church has transitioned to being online. Maybe you drove people away in the first week with a shrill-sounding Facebook Live service. Maybe you don't even have a Facebook or (better) YouTube account for video. Maybe you'd prepared by delving into online technology and presented yourself in a professional manner. But the money problem still exists. Even if SOME of your church members have been paying online for several years, not everyone pays online. And those who do pay online might like another option. Let's take a look at some of your online church options for keeping the money coming in.

I understand the toilet paper. Everyone wants two weeks worth of TP to make sure that they can survive a quarantine or shelter-in-place order. Or an apocalyptic zombie attack. Even guns I get, since you obviously need to protect your toilet paper and canned food stash with an assault rifle. Other Covid-19 hoarding I don't get. Like water and flour.

First, water. There is nothing wrong with the water supply, at least not until hurricane season. You don't need bottled water during a Coronavirus outbreak. There's a much better chance to spread the virus via packaged items from the grocery store than via a public utility. In fact, I believe there is a 0% chance of your house water or electricity giving you this virus. Bacteria infections can sometimes survive in public water, which is why you might want a fridge water filter. I guess these filter companies could say you have a 0% chance of catching Covid-19 from filtered water. Or from unfiltered water, probably. Like I said, there's no reason to fill your garage with bottled water.

Flour is the most odd hoarded item, assuming people are hoarding rather than just buying something they don't normally buy. And they don't normally buy it. Or use those bread makers that are still in the box since the wedding, five years ago. Or ten. or twenty. I wonder if there's a shortage of yeast, too. More than likely, people who have never made bread or baked much of anything, rushed out to get the one ingredient they know probably is needed in baking and cooking. Only to find out they might need yeast and baking powder and spices and all kinds of other items no one needs when you eat at Chick-fil-A or Panera four times a week.

For those of you who do eat out or buy frozen all of the time when the world is normal, flour is one of many ingredients in what you eat. For example, the breading on KFC's fried chicken would include flour along with 11 herbs and spices. Flour doesn't magically turn into bread or breading or cookies, my Millennial friends. And since it's not magical and does take effort and the use of a real oven rather than an air fryer, why did you bother to buy the last three pounds of flour from Family Dollar when you couldn't find it at Publix. Next year, you'll just have to throw it all away when you discover mealworms or flour beetles.

Based on social functions we've been to in Jacksonville, it seems that the only place around here where people actually bake is at the Publix bakery. I am optimistic that some old family recipes will be resurrected as more people are at home right now. Here are some pointers for you from a family that does a lot of cooking and baking.

1. Flour might look like sugar, but it's not.

2. Dark pans are terrible for baking cookies.

3. Bread in bread makers will often not rise. It's a problem a lot of men (and women) have, and you should not be embarrassed by it. You might need to change things up to get the rise to happen naturally, but don't give up and don't blame yourself.

4. Cooking and baking create a lot of dishes. You might need to learn how to use the dishwasher as more than just a drying rack.

5. Teach your kids to cook and bake so that they are not as helpless as you when they grow up.

Happy Homemaking!

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Monday, March 23

Online School Day One

It's not even noon in my house, and it's nearly complete insanity. Day 1 of online school. Both kids are currently in school-sponsored group discussions, so I am hearing them and all of their friends all at once. My wife, who teaches at the school, is trying to troubleshoot problems in communication with her own students. And either it will all work out eventually or else devolve into something of a scheduled daily chaos session as the world deteriorates around us.

Covidifiers Could Cure Florida

The worst part about Florida is the hot, humid summers. I always tell people from the Midwest who are also considering moving down here that the summers are like winters up there: just stay inside. However, Floridians have a real opportunity to live Covid-19-free this summer, and it's a natural solution, maybe with a little help from my new covidifier invention (patent probably pending).

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all

Sometimes it's fun to mess with people a little bit online, like when I ripped on some guy from Lenexa, KS, for thinking he was some kind of a real poet. Or the local Millennial on a mission to become a typical scammer. Or when I smoked a CEO who was acting like a CEO. However, as we all deal with Covid-19 and our families all day at home with us, let's all take some time to write something nice once in a while in order to keep the world and ourselves sane.

Just the Mobile Version of the Florida Coronavirus Covid-19 Map

Too many websites want you to read lots of content or click on newsy ad links before you use the Florida Coronavirus map of Florida Covid-19 cases. Or someone thought embedding the map on a website was a good idea using either mobile or desktop.

Online Lessons for Teachers

If you're a teacher suddenly having to teach students online for the first time, you're going to want to use the resources available from your district and beyond. I started teaching predominantly online about a decade ago, even though I still had students in my classroom. Most of my 300+ ORIGINAL assignments were created so that I could use them either as handouts or as Google Docs. They were also used as Microsoft Office assignments when I taught in Florida for a stint.

I was driving through the Five Points area, trying to avoid hitting one of those colorful ducks when my rider told me the worst story ever about a duck. At least the worst I'd ever heard, not having been told an abundance of duck stories.

Home Dental Office in my Neighborhood

Apparently, one of my neighbors was running an illegal dental office a couple blocks away. I never knew such a place existed. I mean, I could see a massage parlor or loansharking business, but an actual dental office? And without me even knowing it.

fix your cadillac srx or saab 9-4x liftgate

Our Saab 9-4x (similar to Caddy SRX) had a liftgate that started to creep back down after opening. We did not yet have the problem of it closing immediately or without warning like I'd seen on forum posts, but it was probably heading in that direction. I searched for the best replacement pressurized cylinder liftgate support, and this is the one I chose from Amazon.

Getting a Dog License in Jax

I don't really know why a dog needs to be licensed in Jacksonville. I have a microchip inside my dog that will lead me to it, and the dog also wears a collar with contact information for our household. We have the documents stating the dog has three years of rabies shots, but we did not have a tag for Duval County. And that's probably the reason to get licensed, not that I've ever heard of animal control shooting a dog for not having tags in Jacksonville. Anyhow, the wife says we need a licensed dog, so for $20 a year, I figure that's the least of our dog-related expenses.

Viral NextDoor Child Care Post

Normally it's the crime posts that get the most comments on NextDoor, but one slightly out-of-touch grandma set off a firestorm of responses, so I figured I'd give her post another boost on here:

Childcare Needed
For our 4 year old granddaughter......We prefer an adult, with or without children, but a responsible college or high school student will be considered.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
* We live in Cobblestone
* Provide Care in your home
* We will pay you $5 per hour cash, weekly
* No set hours, but mostly afternoons and evenings, including weekends
* * Anywhere from 10 to 25 hours per week.

1001 Reasons NOT to Build a New Website

Salesmen are good at what they do, and they will tell you that apps are the future or that you can simplify your website. While apps aren't the future, there's some truth to simplifying, but it's at a cost. What I would say is that you should simplify and then have a blog or archive, just in case. Facebook doesn't do this for you. Twitter or Instagram either. Youtube can be useful, but it's not really a great place for people to learn more about your business.

I just found out that the neighbors that we like next door are moving out. That's good for them, as they get an opportunity to get a new home of their own. We are hoping it's good for us, too, but just in case it's not, I am prepared because of events that happened on our block about a year ago.

Voter Slightly Confused About Role of Korean War Veteran

A woman interviewed at an early polling site said that she appreciated all the Korean War Veteran had done for her. That's great, and I appreciate the man's service. The problem is that the woman believed the vet had paved the way for her to be able to vote. Since I wasn't there for the speech, I can't say she was totally wrong, but I wondered whether she wanted to believe a bit more than was possible for a Korean War Veteran to have done.

I was talking to a young man visiting Jacksonville from Illinois, and he wanted to know more about the city, as he was considering relocating here. I gave him the regular routine about the weather (heat and hurricanes), told him to be ready for long dinners out, and said that you always have to be aware of criminal activity. He also wanted to know about downtown, since he had been there at a bar but didn't know much beyond that.

Sawgrass Village Shopping Center Road Rage

I guess folks with expendable income show up in their Mercedeses and Lexuses (Mercedes and Lexi?) to the Sawgrass Village Shopping Center on Valentine's Day. At 1:15 on Valentine's Day, it was if there was a senior citizen convention at the shopping center. One of them nearly made a citizen's arrest on me, just before another one nearly crashed into another patron of the NY strip mall. Overall, there were too many mini and mega SUVs vying for the same parking spots, presumably occupied by shoppers looking for that perfect gift to curb the whining before it even happens.

I was looking for a deal on a synthetic oil change, and I'd used the Money Pages magazine for such a deal before with Southside Kia, when I came across an even better price at Nissan of Orange Park. When I looked at the ad a little closer, I saw the phrase, "Formerly Fuscillo Nissan," which got me to wondering what happened to the Fuccillo business, and whether it was Fuccillo (like the other dealerships in Florida) or Fuscillo (like the ad says).

Is Regulation The Problem With Jacksonville?

I got into an interesting conversation with a gentleman about why Jacksonville has not yet attained the stature that it should have as a metropolis of one million residents. We kind of went back and forth for a time, both of us mentioning what might be wrong, when he came up with government regulation. He claimed government regulation was the number one worst thing with living here, even though I often look around and wonder whether there's any regulation at all in the city.

The Last-Minute Valentine's Day Guide: Jacksonville

So, you're supposed to book something romantic in Jacksonville, but you put it off until the last minute. Worse, you hate calling restaurants. Sure, you could seek out some national chain restaurant that doesn't take reservations and tell her everything else was booked. Or you could try to be a little more creative (though she probably won't appreciate that anyway). Here's what I did.

Jaguars in London Has Precedence (And it Worked)

I grew up in Milwaukee, near where the Packers played. When my family moved to a new house near County Stadium, I lived just a few miles from Packer home games. Yes, home games in Milwaukee for the Green Bay Packers. The Jacksonville Jaguars are going from one to two games in London, and it's being done for the same reasons as the Packers playing in Milwaukee. The real question is whether it will work out for the Jaguars as well as it did for the Pack.

Alleys in Jacksonville Confirmed

There are alleys in the Springfield area of Jacksonville

I was driving in the Springfield area of Jacksonville when I finally saw my first alley. As I drove around a bit more, I saw more of the handy passageways, nestled behind homes. I'm not sure if this is exclusive to Springfield or if I've missed the miniature roads in other parts of town, but I'd been under the impression that alleys never made their way to Jacksonville at all.

I was listening to a lady today as she described her recent car accident. She had a green left turn arrow, but she was hit by someone who seemed to have been disobeying the law. While I think she was being truthful, I also think that she's probably in some trouble if she doesn't lawyer up.

No Locals at Local Hotels Could be the Answer

I was reading an article about a hotel policy in Milwaukee aimed at keeping parties, prostitution, and other illicit activities out of a hotel. The policy is not to allow anyone who lives within 30 miles of the city to book a room. It was kind of a secret policy, apparently, and local government officials are probably going to stop it, but maybe the hotel chain that was doing this has an idea that could work for Jacksonville.

Lyfted From Town

If getting a rider for the airport when a return ride is available is the Holy Grail of ride-sharing, then getting sent further and further from home as the rush hour ends is the bottom of the rideshare barrel. Unfortunately, you might just have to eat the time and fuel.

Three Decades and Then No Pet Headstone

I know it kind of seems like news that a man who buried his pet 30 years ago could not find the headstone in a local pet cemetery. It's almost like the news stories about underrepresented minority cemeteries or poorly maintained veteran gravestones. Almost. It's a poodle that dies 30 years ago. If the owner had visited the grave each year for the past three decades, the headstone would not be lost.

Lyft Driver Jax Snap Review

For reasons beyond my control, my first weekend of driving with Lyft resulted in an hour of work and two rides. From these two rides, I can see the potential for good and bad when it comes to rideshare driving with Lyft or Uber.

Florida Teacher Pass Guide

Several attractions offer free admission to Florida teachers. However, many of requirements are slightly different, so I thought I'd write them down so that I can remember (as a teacher) how to sign up for my free pass.

Keep in mind that your kids (and non-teacher spouse) will still cost you money at all these locations.

Male Fashion and Lifetstyle: Cute Kids at the Gun Show

I've always heard that women dig a man with kids. Since I was happily married when I had kids, I guess I wouldn't know. If you happen to be an uncle in search of a special lady, however, I'd recommend babysitting in order to show off the kids at a gun show.

Guide to Running a Hurricane Newscast

Before I begin this article, I want to state that I am grateful that Hurricane Dorian missed Jacksonville, and I am also very aware that the storm's destruction was catastrophic for some. This article is not about trivializing a hurricane. It's more about trying to fill air time when the hurricane shows up and is just a wind storm in your area.

The only torture worse than waiting for a hurricane to hit is watching hours of news leading up to the event. And then hours of news people trying to make a small, off-shore hurricane seem like something else in order to keep viewers tuned in. The news channels know a lot of people are watching, so the show must go on, and on, and on. The stars are the weather people, but you need the anchors to provide words such as "devastating" to describe storm potential, as well as general assignment reporters stationed at important spots in order to monitor that which needs no actual monitoring.

New-to-Florida Guide to Pressure Washers

electric pressure washer on driveway dirt

I got the dreaded letter from my HOA that I was in violation of something new. This time, it was the driveway and sidewalks that were deemed dirty, so it was suggested that I pressure wash them. While I'm not a big fan of pressure washing houses or cars, as it can (I assume) create leaks or strip paint, I figured washing concrete was a DIY job I could handle. However, I needed to decide if a rental or a purchase was in order.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle: $100 Shoes

If you've read some of my other blogs about male fashion and lifestyle, you're not impressed right now. $100 shoes! That's way too expensive, and I agree. But I'm not talking ONE pair of shoes, my friends. That's FOUR pairs of shoes. $25 each, on average.

I went from being a public school teacher to a private school parent. I don't always love public schools, but I also don't think private schools are for everyone. However, the existence of strong public schools should be a goal for ALL parents, public and private.

Does HOA collect police reports for crimes in my neighborhood?

JSO on my block because of nuisance neighbors

Someone on Nextdoor was asking this question, and I was tempted to respond that the only thing HOAs collect is money. The real responses to the question ranged from, "It depends on your HOA" to "That's not part of what an HOA does." While I can understand that crime is separate from house paint and green lawns, since crime is the #1 factor in property values, HOAs probably need to DO something when it comes to crime.

Jacksonville List of Neighborhoods

Most Duval neighborhoods are not on the ocean

I keep seeing all the Jacksonville neighborhoods as backdrops to maps, but I have yet to see them listed for those of us who like lists. So, after using the government websites to find the GIS maps that contain the neighborhoods, I was able to extract the lists of areas in Jax that appear on maps. It could be useful to those of you who also like lists and deal in real estate or something where you'd need the names of all the neighborhoods here.

Top 4 Spots in Jacksonville's Arlington Neighborhood

I was on the News4Jax website when I saw an "article" about local restaurants. The article said it was about Arlington restaurants, and I figured it wasn't that big of a deal that my location was being used to show me stories relevant to where I was. However, after reading the short blurbs about the top 4 restaurants in my area, I saw the disclaimer on the bottom of the article:

This story was created automatically using local business data, then reviewed and augmented by an editor.

My Messy Office

My messy classroom, home office, and garage all indicate the same thing to people: I must be careless, cranky, and uncaring. That's according to a study that showed two different work spaces to participants. A messy workspace left people with a negative perception of the unknown worker who occupied the space.

There was a time when I saw an ad for St. Augustine, Florida. It was a simpler time, when none of the other ads were about politicians of ill repute. But it seemed to be a time when St. Augustine had decided to infringe upon the terminology associated with Biltmore. It was last year on local TV.

This is an interesting question that pops up on Google when you search for information about Jacksonville. I believe people want to know the most populous or populated city in Florida, unless they are total tourists who are just interested in popularity. As far as being popular, I suppose Miami is tops, then Orlando and Tampa. Population is always a bit more complicated.

Deep Forest Airport, Please

I've complained a little about the local JAXEX Craig airport, and while I am hoping it stays at a manageable size, I wanted to take this opportunity to redirect some of you to an airport I never knew existed. I am hoping some of the rich and famous who fly over my house will choose to hit up another rich and famous local resident to use his private runway instead. Please, all you robber barons, carpetbaggers, venture capitalists, elite socialites, property developers, and ponzi schemers, give your buddy George a call and use the Deep Forest Airport instead of JAXEX.

Male Fashion and Lifestyle: Matching Hats

If you want to be really cool as a group, get you some matching hats. Most of us don't think about it ahead of time, and we often make the mistake of matching t-shirts or NASCAR jackets, but matching hats are really the way to go for guys. Let's take a look at how to decide on those hats so that you can look your best.

sunny boy and big mike apple picking at elegant farmer

I originally got the "Sunny Boy" wig when I was an extra in an independent film that was never finished. I had to wear a Polo shirt, a sweater over my shoulders, and the Sunny Boy blonde wig. I was the bad guy, and my Mercedes 300SD also fit the bill. We only finished one day of filming, at Lake Park Golf Course in Milwaukee. I was probably revealing my devious plans to co-conspirators while golfing. I don't recall. However, Sunny Boy stayed with me, and I put it to some use over the years.

Check Your Google Adsense, Fellow Jacksonville Bloggers

I'm not going to keep this one to myself, since someone not on my site isn't clicking my ads, anyway. If you have a blog or even a big ol' company website that has some Adsense ads on it (the Google ads), then you need to add a custom ads.txt file to your website. I did not receive an email about it. I just showed up to check earnings, which I don't really bother to do very often, and there it was: a dozen websites without the right code.

Zillow is going to join open door in Jacksonville as companies that will buy your house fast. I assume we've also had the We Buy Ugly Homes folks in Jax for a while, too. Flippers, and those types. But Zillow and Opendoor are supposed to be more mainstream, and I assume the business model is just to buy low and sell high.

Northeast Florida Churches, Schools, Non-Profits and Businesses - FREE Tech Tools

Free technology tools for churches, schools, businesses in Jax

Local Jacksonville churches, schools, and businesses, you are in luck. If you're looking for some FREE advice on how to use FREE marketing tools, then I've got the presentation for you. I'm linking out to my Passive Ninja website where you can see the presentation embedded better. I used the presentation while speaking to a group of church leaders in Orlando, and I can speak to your church, too. However, the tools mentioned can be used with other types of organizations, and I have a lot of advice on HOW to implement the tools.

Jacksonville is not in the Panhandle. Florida's Panhandle extends east-west from about Tallahassee to the western-most edge of the state near Pensacola. While the I-10 does go straight across the top of the state to Jacksonville, the Panhandle ends where the Gulf of Mexico ends as a southern border and becomes the western border.

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